My Top Five Post-Writers' Strike Show Predictions

So, there's this writers' strike. (Or is it a writer's strike? Wait, no; that would mean it was the strike of one writer. Seems like the papers always say it's the "writers strike" which is like saying garbage-men strike, and that kind of makes strike into a verb -- this crap is confusing.) I digress. There's a strike of writers, and it's been going on for a long time now - months. I'd comment on it were I informed of the issues. Yet, as my dad is a professional writer, I'm kinda biased. I'll just note this: my opinion is whatever my dad's opinion is on the matter. I assume he sides with his fellow scribes. I could be wrong, though. You'll have to ask him.

That reminds me: I should call my dad.

I'm a union man, and I believe in the right of workers to protest unfair treatment, especially when everybody else involved in the creative aspects of the stage and screen are getting rich as hell off the product of the lowest man on the creative totem pole: the writer. The problem is that the fallout of this protest cannot be avoided. In fact, I believe that it has already begun. Case in point: American Gladiators. Who in the world pined for the days when a man or woman could flip on NBC on Monday nights at eight to watch a steroid-addled, over-tanned, spandex-clad behemoth named Lazer shoot some scurrying, over-competitive administrative assistant with a tennis ball cannon?

Not I.

Not you.

Not anyone with an IQ greater than that of your average retarded lemur.

And, furthermore, who was the drooling, slack-jawed, heavy-browed, mongoloid studio executive that decided to press the small button that illuminated the green light rather than the giant, flashing red one? I can't even begin to guess. Yet, I do suspect that this same exec is responsible for this forthcoming drivel, another show nobody missed - ever.

Know what? Hollywood isn't done with this crap either. They're just getting warmed up; I can feel it in my bones. So, here we go. I am going to list and summarize my predictions for five new shows we will see on TV in the near future because of the American Gladiator/Knight Rider demographic that seems to have such a firm grip on the business end of my digital cable, and perhaps my very soul. On with it:

1.) Seaquest: The Next Voyage (NBC)

Remember Seaquest? Of course you don't. It was a quickly canceled Star Trek rip-off in the early Nineties that was about a giant submarine, commanded by Roy Shieder, which explored the final, final, final frontier: the fucking ocean.

I know what you're thinking: That's ridiculous. How on earth could you make an entire series about a big submarine that cruises around and looks at fish? The ocean ain't that big, son.

Answer: You can't; not anything worth watching. But, here's how they'll make the new one interesting -- Seagates! Yep, basically "Stargates," (gay) but under the water. That way the big f-ing sub won't be forced to putt around, demolish sea life with its huge turbine engines and take algae samples. Instead, it’ll be able to explore the many oceans of the universe and, err, look at different fish and coral and crap.

Jonathan Frakes will totally direct the first episode. Mark my word.

2.) Triple Dare! The New "Double Dare!" (Nickelodeon)

Y'all probably don't know this, but Mark Summers, the past host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare, was my mom's hairstylist for a bit in the late Seventies. This is neither here nor there; just an anecdote.

Double Dare was my favorite game show when I was like ten, but I rapidly tired of it, as the only good part was the obstacle course at the end wherein the pasty, out-of-shape sixth graders would slog their respective ways through moderately torturous series of tests of agility and speed, no doubt being covered in the Nickelodeon network's beloved green slime in the process.

It's been long enough now. The last Double Dare series went off the air around the Millennium, which means there is a whole new generation of ten-year-olds with basic-cable access ready to tear themselves away from Nip/Tuck long enough to see Mr. Summers laugh at the public humiliation of their fellow youths.

3.) The Hitler/Nostradamus Code (The History Channel)

There really isn't one at all, except for one four line, vague, cryptic, open-ended prediction by Nostradamus a few hundred years before Hitler took power but -- it'll take an entire miniseries to illustrate that, as years and years of shows about Hitler and Nostradamus will be re-edited into one super show!

The "code" part is just because people are all stoked on that book that became the crappy summer 2006 movie with Tom Hanks, and the good people at the History Channel are hoping to cash in on that free-association.

4.) Law and Order: District Attorney's Investigators (NBC)

Tune in and bask in the golden light of adventure as DAIs from the Houston County District Attorney's Office of Investigations serve subpoenas and locate witnesses for preliminary hearings. Joy.

5.) Old Country: The Sopranos Prequel (HBO)

You might as well start paying me royalties now for this one.

You know I'm right about this.


I hate my TV -- so, so much.
 
Okay, not always.
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