Effective – at the very latest – Spring of 2010, I hereby predict the following changes to FAA and TSA SOPs (they like acronyms in government work) given the current climate in the world of air travel safety:
1. Price jacking. Air travel will be even more ridiculously overpriced. Why? Because rich people don’t hijack, and almost never bomb. This is a widely known fact. Terrorists are only financed by rich people, ones that have fortunes made from selling oil, a lot of times to the US so we can drive our muscle cars and Humvees because alternative fuels are for pussies! Right? Have fun driving that faggy Tesla Roadster to Burning Man, commie.
2. Institutionalized rudeness. Every member of the flight crew will individually remind every single passenger that they are a giant bother and not worth any modicum of kindness and/or understanding. Nobody wants to be a customer in such an environment. This will deter potential jihadists too. Who wants to kill a bunch of people who are pissed off at the same smaller group of people, a nasty group in synthetic fibered uniforms?
3. Decrease haste at check-in. Haste breeds mistakes. If you haven’t checked in by the six hour mark before your departure, you are S.O.L. my friend. I don’t care if your dog ate your tickets or if you are the only compatible kidney donor for beloved President Barack Skywalker himself. No punctuality? Well then, you fly standby… starting the following business day… and that resets if you leave the airport grounds.
4. No more carry on. Every airline has, at the minimum, crappy radio stations to listen to, and catalogues or magazines to peruse on the flight. Virgin America has video games and pay-per-view movies. So, guess what, buddy? You don’t need your iPod with your “listenable” music and “free” video content. Nor do you need your laptop, which is clearly capable of concealing a tactical nuclear device. You’re wearing clothes already. Just throw the rest in your checked baggage and stop being such a whiner about waiting for another two hours after the flight for your bag to appear at the baggage claim. Deal with it, Captain Impatient.
5. No more checked baggage. Why stop at carry on? There’s always some remote chance that a person could sneak some new kind of explosive into a checked bag. Do you know how closely monitored those x-ray stations are for the checked baggage? I don’t, but I’d guess that they are staffed by the same crack team of professionals that man the checkpoints… or, more likely, the ones that were a little too “touchy feely” during the “random” screenings of Asian females between the ages of six and nine. Chances are that you are traveling to a destination with a department store or two around. Just pick up the required sundries and garments there! It’s only another couple hundred dollars. Isn’t that worth it for peace of mind?
6. No more drink service. Seriously, the drink cart is festooned with available improvised weaponry – hot coffee; broken miniature bottles of booze and wine; shaken soda grenades; the vegetarian meal – and the cart itself is a giant cockpit-door battering ram. That supposedly reinforced bulkhead is only a few “heave-hoes” away from splintering into shards of pilot-stabbing death. Your precious thirst is endangering us all.
7. No more bathroom visits. All lavatories are going to be converted into fore and aft rubber-bullet turrets. Don’t worry; these turrets will be staffed by government employees with over two hours of training. See, TSA has already announced that all passengers must remain seated for an entire hour both before and after takeoff on international flights. So you are already now totally screwed if you are one of the millions of people out there who really isn’t comfortable with the idea of riding in a piece of aluminum and plastic just below the stratosphere at speeds just shy of those used by Metallica to fill a stadium with shitty, has-been pseudo-metal, and tend to savor a drink or two to calm the nerves before embarking on such a journey. You’re already gonna be holding it a lot more from here on out, Dr. Drinksabit. But, guess what? Soon you won’t be alone, because it’s clearly been theorized that people who can’t stand up are less dangerous… unless they have bombs strapped to their legs, or in their shoes. Then people who are sitting down seem pretty freaking dangerous after all. But whatever; I have a solution for this problem as well.
8. No more seats. It’s so simple, right? Those seated-bomber-types are going to have pretty tough times blowing things up when they are on the turbulent ascent out of Vegas bouncing around the cabin like racquetballs served in a handicapped restroom stall while being shot by hoards of stinging rubber bullets!! And think of the reality TV show footage we could glean from this.
9. No clothing allowed. Before you get all freaked out, consider the following implications of mandatory nude air travel. Shoe-bomber: disarmed. Nigerian pant-leg bomber: disarmed. 911 hijacker types: won’t dream of springing into any kind of malicious action because them floors are cold and that shrinkage is brutal. Not only that, but considering the safety enhancements I’ve already spoken of, where would you hide a box-cutter? There’s only one spot (if you are male, that is). But, by now you should know I’ve thought of that too. I’m serious about safety. This is a perilous world, and we cannot allow our security to be compromised by those who seek to cause us harm and disrupt our way of life. So…
10. Vaginal and anal cavity searches for every passenger. I mean what else is TSA gonna have to worry about now that there’s no more carry-on, and no more clothing? We can’t just lay off two-thirds of the workforce. We are trying to get out of a recession still. TSA just needs to stock up on KY, some of those folding screens Japanese people change behind in movies, and rubber gloves. Print up some signs that say, “Step up to the yellow line. Bend over. Brace. Cough when instructed. That’s what the terrorists not winning feels like!”
Yes, even you, grandma. |
