Tonya was out of her mind. Not in the way that all women are but in
the 'mercury in the hat lining' way, in a 'really damn funny' way. It's
unfortunate that I was unable to remember all the crazy stuff that
came out of her mouth but I tried to remember the highlights.
the 'mercury in the hat lining' way, in a 'really damn funny' way. It's
unfortunate that I was unable to remember all the crazy stuff that
came out of her mouth but I tried to remember the highlights.
"I love you so much, I'd even not try heroin for you."
"When I was growing up, my house was always full of dead animals."
"At least she switched to cocaine."
"I love my cats but I'm looking forward to them getting old and dying."
"I really need to think about finding a career that doesn't rely so much on me being able to see."
"I took Riley (the dog) to the dog park but we couldn't go in because there was a fucking dog walker
there."
"I hope I don't have cancer."
"Am I a unique dresser?"
"I love retards."
Let me preface this one by noting that we were talking about gymnastics:
"Wait, hold on. Lemme just say this before anything else. I love cement trucks. They are totally my
favorite truck."
"My eyes look really pretty when the sun shines in them...... Too bad it hurts so much."
"I like dramatic wastes of time."
"Man, I saw this homeless chick today. She had a really hot body."
Tonya and Dan are standing on Market Street, one block from the restaurant they're going to:
"It's cold out, I'm gonna change my pants."
"Do you at least appreciate that I do everything?"
"I wish I could be as happy as I really am."
"I can't believe that you can watch the news before bed. "
"I wish I had worms."
"I'm gonna be really sad the day Bill Murray dies."
I express to Tonya my dismay that I forget so many of the things she says before they can make it to
this page. She replies:
"It's because I'm crazy."
"I just want you to know, I'm not gonna brush my teeth before I go to bed. I've already brushed my teeth
like three times today and I'm sick of it. I'm just gonna eat some crackers and go to sleep... I just thought
you should know."
"I think there's something wrong with me... I like watching people die. I'm like totally one of those people
that snuff-films are made for."
"I think I'm gonna wash my feet, they're like totally nasty. You know, on second thought, I'm not gonna
wash my feet. Fuck it. I just looked at them and they're clean enough."
"Just cuz I don't like to bathe doesn't mean I'm dirty."
"From now on I'm only buying cars in July. Cuz that's when my birthday is."
And she told me she was going to the dentist:
"I had so many tools in my mouth it was ridiculous. Do have any idea how uncomfortable that is? The
guy kept going "more suction, more suction" and I kept squirming. It's really hard though, to keep your
epiglotis closed for that long when you've got a tool pushing in the back of your throat and making you
gag."
I jokingly ask Tonya if a bunch of envelopes on the counter are filled with anthrax:
"I wish."
"I don't like using toasters... I think they're dangerous."
"I don't want people to think I wear pink."
"See, there's no point in making friends."
"Oh, how this makes me miss the Moose Lodge back home."
"I'm really not into smiling."
"I just really hope that, before I die, I get to see someone jump from a building."
"I'm gonna grow my hair out and have bangs. You know, like hair (gestures) and bangs."
"I'm wearing three dresses and two bras."
Tonya mourning the death of her pet cat, Meso, which she had for fifteen years:
"One down, one to go."
"If you're ever gonna kill me make sure I think that we're gonna party and that it's gonna be fun and use
lot's of nitrous."
Tonya then says, about three seconds later...
"You know I'm not joking, right?"
During Tonya's Morning Briefing (when she tells me about all the insane dreams she had):
"I swear, if I have to watch one more romantic comedy I'm just gonna die."
"Why does my butt itch? See, that's what scares me."
"Oh Riley (the dog), I'm so insane."
To which I reply, "Why?" Tonya then asks:
"Have you seen your website lately?"
I ask Tonya why she is smelling the bottom of her shoe:
"So I know if I stepped in dogshit."
"You'd rather watch Flashdance than gay sex, huh?"
Tonya is watching a MAD TV sketch, during which a man smashes a child's toy oven:
"Hey, that's what my dad did to my Easy-Bake Oven. Actually, he threw it away; back then they were
made of metal."
"Man, I have a sinus headache. Actually it's probably a 'screaming inside of my brain' headache."
"I'm almost tan enough to not care that I'm fat anymore."
"My feet are like even cuter than Uma Thurman's... Even the left one."
"I should have a drink, I ate too much yogurt. No, like WAY too much yogurt."
Tonya asks me:
"You wouldn't kill me would you?"
I reply, "Depends." That was a joke. She then states:
"What if I asked you to? Like if I was gonna die?"
I, again, reply, "Depends." She then states:
"You could frame somebody for it. Have them shoot me up with a bunch of heroin or something."
I ask, "How would I know how to frame somebody?" She states:
"Just tell him he could fuck me afterwards."
"I'm like a lesbian I love my dogs so much."
Tonya and I are walking to our car after eating. In my hand is a small box of left-overs. A homeless man
asks, "Can I have your left-overs?" I reply, "NO." (I do not give things to people on the street.) Tonya
and I continue down the block. We pass another homeless man. She then states:
"You could give him the left-overs."
"Sometimes I'm afraid I'm gonna smother myself in my own pillows. You know, cuz I sleep on my face
and all."
Tonya and I are watching a TV program. In one scene, an unconscious woman is about to be killed by
a crazed maniac. The killer sets the trap and then leaves the room. Tonya says:
"Wait, where are you going? At least fuck her first."
"I love that lotion because it makes me dread my shower-time a little less."
I woke up to find this email waiting for me. Tonya had written it at some point in the night, after ingesting
a sleeping pill:
"so weird . looking at my finances while the ambien is kicking in. My visioun is ffected in an oh so
pleasat way. soryy about the typos. just dont care. the soft screen loods overly bright and nos so great
for snowboardng. I guess this is my signal to come to bed. I love this though. I love to play on the
computer in this state. It's more challenging and fun. I guess I can find something challenging and fun
tomorrow night. perhaps a billionaire will pay me to pretend t take care o f im.l I think that guy was onto
an idea. I'm not sure if it's being done yet thoguh. Needs some research. His idea was perhaps a little
more sophisticated than reality tv. Ok, my vision is gone. I can' barely tell if I'm hitting the right keys. It all
looks so blurry and far away. Sit it's after six. good night.
ilove you."
"Prison would almost be good for me, it would force me to read and to work out."
Tonya tells me, while switching Sex and the City DVDs (I bought her the complete collection for
Christmas):
"I feel like, when I'm done with this, I can finally move on with my life."
I'm not even gonna try to explain what we were talking about:
"Not me. I don't want to thinking about sucking a rope down my throat."
Tonya tells me about her trip to Ross (dress for less) and Nordstrom Rack:
"It was horrible. It was like being in Michigan again except there were more brown people."
"Don't worry, I wouldn't want things to be any different than they are. Sure, I'd like to be happier and
thinner... Maybe just thinner."
"God I love the dishwasher. It has just changed my life for the positive so much."
"I just can't think of a girl under twenty-five as a woman. I mean, I feel like a little girl but I'm definitely a
woman and I know I wasn't a woman until I was twenty-five."
I hear Tonya throwing stuff around in the bedroom. She soon yells:
"Godammit! I can't find my fucking flip-flops!"
She continues to mutter for a few minutes until she- now apparently ready- leaves the house. Minutes
later, I hear the front door open. Tonya enters:
"And what do you suppose I forgot after all that? My fucking flip-flops."
Another great Tonya post-Ambien email: "I knew it was tme for bed when at the tivo ste i was dreaing
that i had to fin jut the right tivo to hunt,then hopo[eoi wasn't injured diving onto hom.
Time for bed. I lvoe you. "
"Going back to work has ruined my life!"
"Thank you for fucking me; it makes me such a better person."
Shouted from the other room during a conversation about Tonya's many responsibilities:
"If I have to go to work this week without the fucking laundry being folded, I'm going to kill myself!"
Tonya on kids, Africa:
"If they used them as food they would probably be okay and Africa wouldn't be falling to pieces."
"I was just thinking about how being killed by a serial killer wouldn't be so bad. I mean, when you're
shot, boom, that's it. Done. You're dead. But when you're being strangled, at least there's feelings and a
struggle and emotions before you're gone... Forever."
"I HATE crunchy toast."
Tonya is at her computer watching a internet video of a wheelchair bound man, with cerbebral palsy,
masturbating. Suddenly, she shouts out:
"Aww! That's it; it's over? I didn't even get to see him cum."
Oh, REALLY?
"Only black guys' dicks are big when they're soft."
I sent Tonya a forwarded video clip of porn clips featuring female ejaculation because I think
that "female ejaculation" is, in fact, "some chick taking a leak when she has an orgasm." Her
emailed reply:
"Damn. those girls will swallow anything...
...Reminds me of my old friend, Martha. She used to wait for her chocolate (had to be chocolate) ice
cream to melt in her bowl. Then she would slurp it with a spoon, fill her mouth, then swish it around and
spit it back in her bowl. Then she would eat it again. I bet she can swallow cold semen and random
chicks' urine after gurgling it around in her throat. Eww.
I think it damaged me for life."
Tonya on driving:
"We should protect our youth by not letting the old people plow into them but then teenagers shouldn't
be allowed to drive either because they are the most dangerous drivers out there... them and Mexicans."
"I'd like to be a serial killer but it would just be that one more thing I'd have to do and keep secret from
everybody."
"I've NEVER even thought of setting someone on fire. And you can quote me on that."
"Those are the things I did when I got high: I made the best snacks... and, also, the most TERRIBLE
snacks."
"I wonder if I'd be a better person if I took Xanax? I think I'd be just the same... with a Xanax problem."
"When I was growing up, my house was always full of dead animals."
"At least she switched to cocaine."
"I love my cats but I'm looking forward to them getting old and dying."
"I really need to think about finding a career that doesn't rely so much on me being able to see."
"I took Riley (the dog) to the dog park but we couldn't go in because there was a fucking dog walker
there."
"I hope I don't have cancer."
"Am I a unique dresser?"
"I love retards."
Let me preface this one by noting that we were talking about gymnastics:
"Wait, hold on. Lemme just say this before anything else. I love cement trucks. They are totally my
favorite truck."
"My eyes look really pretty when the sun shines in them...... Too bad it hurts so much."
"I like dramatic wastes of time."
"Man, I saw this homeless chick today. She had a really hot body."
Tonya and Dan are standing on Market Street, one block from the restaurant they're going to:
"It's cold out, I'm gonna change my pants."
"Do you at least appreciate that I do everything?"
"I wish I could be as happy as I really am."
"I can't believe that you can watch the news before bed. "
"I wish I had worms."
"I'm gonna be really sad the day Bill Murray dies."
I express to Tonya my dismay that I forget so many of the things she says before they can make it to
this page. She replies:
"It's because I'm crazy."
"I just want you to know, I'm not gonna brush my teeth before I go to bed. I've already brushed my teeth
like three times today and I'm sick of it. I'm just gonna eat some crackers and go to sleep... I just thought
you should know."
"I think there's something wrong with me... I like watching people die. I'm like totally one of those people
that snuff-films are made for."
"I think I'm gonna wash my feet, they're like totally nasty. You know, on second thought, I'm not gonna
wash my feet. Fuck it. I just looked at them and they're clean enough."
"Just cuz I don't like to bathe doesn't mean I'm dirty."
"From now on I'm only buying cars in July. Cuz that's when my birthday is."
And she told me she was going to the dentist:
"I had so many tools in my mouth it was ridiculous. Do have any idea how uncomfortable that is? The
guy kept going "more suction, more suction" and I kept squirming. It's really hard though, to keep your
epiglotis closed for that long when you've got a tool pushing in the back of your throat and making you
gag."
I jokingly ask Tonya if a bunch of envelopes on the counter are filled with anthrax:
"I wish."
"I don't like using toasters... I think they're dangerous."
"I don't want people to think I wear pink."
"See, there's no point in making friends."
"Oh, how this makes me miss the Moose Lodge back home."
"I'm really not into smiling."
"I just really hope that, before I die, I get to see someone jump from a building."
"I'm gonna grow my hair out and have bangs. You know, like hair (gestures) and bangs."
"I'm wearing three dresses and two bras."
Tonya mourning the death of her pet cat, Meso, which she had for fifteen years:
"One down, one to go."
"If you're ever gonna kill me make sure I think that we're gonna party and that it's gonna be fun and use
lot's of nitrous."
Tonya then says, about three seconds later...
"You know I'm not joking, right?"
During Tonya's Morning Briefing (when she tells me about all the insane dreams she had):
"I swear, if I have to watch one more romantic comedy I'm just gonna die."
"Why does my butt itch? See, that's what scares me."
"Oh Riley (the dog), I'm so insane."
To which I reply, "Why?" Tonya then asks:
"Have you seen your website lately?"
I ask Tonya why she is smelling the bottom of her shoe:
"So I know if I stepped in dogshit."
"You'd rather watch Flashdance than gay sex, huh?"
Tonya is watching a MAD TV sketch, during which a man smashes a child's toy oven:
"Hey, that's what my dad did to my Easy-Bake Oven. Actually, he threw it away; back then they were
made of metal."
"Man, I have a sinus headache. Actually it's probably a 'screaming inside of my brain' headache."
"I'm almost tan enough to not care that I'm fat anymore."
"My feet are like even cuter than Uma Thurman's... Even the left one."
"I should have a drink, I ate too much yogurt. No, like WAY too much yogurt."
Tonya asks me:
"You wouldn't kill me would you?"
I reply, "Depends." That was a joke. She then states:
"What if I asked you to? Like if I was gonna die?"
I, again, reply, "Depends." She then states:
"You could frame somebody for it. Have them shoot me up with a bunch of heroin or something."
I ask, "How would I know how to frame somebody?" She states:
"Just tell him he could fuck me afterwards."
"I'm like a lesbian I love my dogs so much."
Tonya and I are walking to our car after eating. In my hand is a small box of left-overs. A homeless man
asks, "Can I have your left-overs?" I reply, "NO." (I do not give things to people on the street.) Tonya
and I continue down the block. We pass another homeless man. She then states:
"You could give him the left-overs."
"Sometimes I'm afraid I'm gonna smother myself in my own pillows. You know, cuz I sleep on my face
and all."
Tonya and I are watching a TV program. In one scene, an unconscious woman is about to be killed by
a crazed maniac. The killer sets the trap and then leaves the room. Tonya says:
"Wait, where are you going? At least fuck her first."
"I love that lotion because it makes me dread my shower-time a little less."
I woke up to find this email waiting for me. Tonya had written it at some point in the night, after ingesting
a sleeping pill:
"so weird . looking at my finances while the ambien is kicking in. My visioun is ffected in an oh so
pleasat way. soryy about the typos. just dont care. the soft screen loods overly bright and nos so great
for snowboardng. I guess this is my signal to come to bed. I love this though. I love to play on the
computer in this state. It's more challenging and fun. I guess I can find something challenging and fun
tomorrow night. perhaps a billionaire will pay me to pretend t take care o f im.l I think that guy was onto
an idea. I'm not sure if it's being done yet thoguh. Needs some research. His idea was perhaps a little
more sophisticated than reality tv. Ok, my vision is gone. I can' barely tell if I'm hitting the right keys. It all
looks so blurry and far away. Sit it's after six. good night.
ilove you."
"Prison would almost be good for me, it would force me to read and to work out."
Tonya tells me, while switching Sex and the City DVDs (I bought her the complete collection for
Christmas):
"I feel like, when I'm done with this, I can finally move on with my life."
I'm not even gonna try to explain what we were talking about:
"Not me. I don't want to thinking about sucking a rope down my throat."
Tonya tells me about her trip to Ross (dress for less) and Nordstrom Rack:
"It was horrible. It was like being in Michigan again except there were more brown people."
"Don't worry, I wouldn't want things to be any different than they are. Sure, I'd like to be happier and
thinner... Maybe just thinner."
"God I love the dishwasher. It has just changed my life for the positive so much."
"I just can't think of a girl under twenty-five as a woman. I mean, I feel like a little girl but I'm definitely a
woman and I know I wasn't a woman until I was twenty-five."
I hear Tonya throwing stuff around in the bedroom. She soon yells:
"Godammit! I can't find my fucking flip-flops!"
She continues to mutter for a few minutes until she- now apparently ready- leaves the house. Minutes
later, I hear the front door open. Tonya enters:
"And what do you suppose I forgot after all that? My fucking flip-flops."
Another great Tonya post-Ambien email: "I knew it was tme for bed when at the tivo ste i was dreaing
that i had to fin jut the right tivo to hunt,then hopo[eoi wasn't injured diving onto hom.
Time for bed. I lvoe you. "
"Going back to work has ruined my life!"
"Thank you for fucking me; it makes me such a better person."
Shouted from the other room during a conversation about Tonya's many responsibilities:
"If I have to go to work this week without the fucking laundry being folded, I'm going to kill myself!"
Tonya on kids, Africa:
"If they used them as food they would probably be okay and Africa wouldn't be falling to pieces."
"I was just thinking about how being killed by a serial killer wouldn't be so bad. I mean, when you're
shot, boom, that's it. Done. You're dead. But when you're being strangled, at least there's feelings and a
struggle and emotions before you're gone... Forever."
"I HATE crunchy toast."
Tonya is at her computer watching a internet video of a wheelchair bound man, with cerbebral palsy,
masturbating. Suddenly, she shouts out:
"Aww! That's it; it's over? I didn't even get to see him cum."
Oh, REALLY?
"Only black guys' dicks are big when they're soft."
I sent Tonya a forwarded video clip of porn clips featuring female ejaculation because I think
that "female ejaculation" is, in fact, "some chick taking a leak when she has an orgasm." Her
emailed reply:
"Damn. those girls will swallow anything...
...Reminds me of my old friend, Martha. She used to wait for her chocolate (had to be chocolate) ice
cream to melt in her bowl. Then she would slurp it with a spoon, fill her mouth, then swish it around and
spit it back in her bowl. Then she would eat it again. I bet she can swallow cold semen and random
chicks' urine after gurgling it around in her throat. Eww.
I think it damaged me for life."
Tonya on driving:
"We should protect our youth by not letting the old people plow into them but then teenagers shouldn't
be allowed to drive either because they are the most dangerous drivers out there... them and Mexicans."
"I'd like to be a serial killer but it would just be that one more thing I'd have to do and keep secret from
everybody."
"I've NEVER even thought of setting someone on fire. And you can quote me on that."
"Those are the things I did when I got high: I made the best snacks... and, also, the most TERRIBLE
snacks."
"I wonder if I'd be a better person if I took Xanax? I think I'd be just the same... with a Xanax problem."
