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Life Lessons, the Dan Silver Way

When I was about ten I read a little bathroom and coffee table book my mom had, a collection of tidbits of supposed wisdom the author felt inclined to bestow upon the youth of the world, an author who know doubt was a publishing mogul because I can’t think of any other way the little pile of scrap paper ever got printed. But at such an impressionable age, I couldn’t help but wish that I was smart/wise/old enough to collect such a tome.  

And now I am.

So here it is: a brief sampling of my collected lessons for the youth of America, excerpts from the RDSP (that stands for Royal Dan Silver Primer).

On personal sanitation:

  1. Always shower with a buddy over eighteen years of age, kids.
  2. It’s easiest to trim stubborn fingernails with pruning shears. But, guys, keep in mind that the ladies love dudes with long, long talons. It’s a clear indicator of the willingness of a man to commit to things.
  3. Skin blemishes can be easily and painlessly burned away with the point of a soldering iron. Immediately apply Vicks to the singed area afterwards.
  4. In a deodorant pinch, rub a slice of green apple under the armpits to kill odor causing bacteria. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT use red apples. Red apples are extremely poisonous and should only be handled by trained professionals.
  5. Frequent colonics are the key to financial success and the general management of body odor.

On driving:

  1. Turn signals are important… for wimps… on their periods.
  2. Emergency brakes can and should be used frequently when city driving to preserve the life of the non-emergency brakes, which are primarily intended for highway use… only in the highly unlikely scenario that one has to slow down on such a roadway.
  3. Used frying/cooking oil - canola, peanut, etc. - is a handy, eco-friendly substitute for windshield washer fluid.
  4. Make sure to bring one’s vehicle in for an oil and filter change at least every fifteen thousand miles, twenty thousand at the most.
  5. Conscientious drivers always contribute rubber to the roadway via hard acceleration.
  6. You have a horn. It’d be a shame if you didn’t use it to keep tempo with whatever is playing on your car’s radio. This holds especially true in gridlocked traffic.

On fashion:

  1. Acid washed. Acid washed. Acid washed.
  2. The only thing you don’t EVER turn down is your collar, hear me?
  3. Members Only. If you aren’t a member, you should be.
  4. All pants in one’s wardrobe should have at least five zippers and seven pockets.
  5. In an effort to convey a professional, yet fun-loving appearance, keep the hair up front short, and leave it about twice as long in the back. Trust me, you’ll look good.  
  6. Get a gold grill, and don’t ever take it out… ever.
  7. Ladies, don’t forget about the fun, versatile look of the prairie skirt. A pair of Ugg boots, a T-shirt from your favorite amusement park and a puffy North Face vest in some sort of pastel color will complete the ensemble nicely.
  8. Wearing a large amount of rings, necklaces and bracelets lets people know how much money you have, and therefore how attractive and worthwhile as a person you are.

On relationships, sex:

  1. Anal sex is no safer than vaginal sex. You can still get pregnant! And, if birth occurs, the anally-born child will grow up into Karl Rove. Just be careful.
  2. Sex is a natural, beautiful thing, provided the participants aren’t nasty or disgusting, like all the people who go to Burning Man or Wal-Mart. Don’t go near these people, in any situation.
  3. Only say, “I love you,” in serious, relationship-threatening situations, like when in big trouble with the spouse. Otherwise, you’ll have nowhere to go, no ‘out.’ Hold it in reserve at all costs.
  4. If you meet a person who you kinda like, get married right away. Might as well get the tax break ASAP.
  5. Only handle spermicidal lubricant with the appropriate safety gear – i.e. goggles and heavy duty rubber gloves at the minimum.
  6. Erotic asphyxiation should only be done when alone, in private and in the dark… or if you are David Carradine.

On sports and exercise:

  1. Don’t bother learning to swim; it’s a dated activity not relevant to modern living.
  2. In all activities that involve sticks – baseball, hockey, what-have-you – it is perfectly acceptable to give fellow players corrective crotch jabs, provided there’s a valid reason.
  3. It’s a little known secret, but in tennis one automatically wins the match after five over-the-fence ‘home runs.’ Celebratory dances and/or songs after such hits are encouraged.
  4. Trash talk. Trash talk. Trash talk.
  5. Old cups/junk guards make excellent Halloween costume face masks.  
  6. Stay away from any sporting activity that requires one to wear a helmet, unless you don’t plan on wearing a helmet. Then you’re all good. Helmets make the head heavy and increase the risk of neck injury and paralysis exponentially.

On manners:

  1. If there’s anything that lights up a subway, workplace, courtroom or fancy restaurant, it’s a small portable boom-box playing your favorite hits as loudly as possible. Walkmans, MP3 players and IPods are rude, and exclusionary.
  2. Always sing along, even with songs you’re not entirely – or at all – familiar with.
  3. Please keep phone conversations in the movie theater to a five minute maximum in length while the picture is playing.
  4. Don’t flush. Allow others to inspect your work. It’ll give them something to talk about later.
  5. The fork on the outside is for your first course. The fork on the inside is for picking you teeth after eating your first course. It’s also good for head scratching.
  6. A rolled up cloth napkin held at both ends makes an excellent butter pad launcher.
  7. Please don’t close doors like a wuss. Slam them shut. It let’s others know the door is actually closed.

On nutrition and health:

  1. Do not, under any circumstances, eat salad. It’s full of dirt and a major risk for dirt-related illness, such as HIV and Ebola.
  2. Consume a maximum of ten alcoholic drinks per morning. Consume a minimum of five.
  3. Smoking after a meal aids in the digestive process, and keeps the lungs and heart tight and muscular.
  4. Smoothies have the same sugar content as milkshakes and other deserts, so drink one after every meal for extra energy.
  5. If in a survival situation, only eat bugs and animals that are brightly colored and slimy. Do not, under any circumstances, cook wild food. I’m not sure why this is, but I’m pretty sure I saw this on “Survivorman” and that guy seems legit.
  6. Beer before liquor – never slicker.
  7. Liquor before beer… whatever; let’s just get this party started!

On rules:

  1. Remember, if it’s not expressly prohibited, it is condoned.
 
Mr. Silver on his way to lecture a class of fourth graders.
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