Page 2 of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET (tasty,
ass-whooping goodness). Please consult a physician before beginning any
exercise program, including SUPERFUCKINGSECRET, unless you aren't a total pussy.
ass-whooping goodness). Please consult a physician before beginning any
exercise program, including SUPERFUCKINGSECRET, unless you aren't a total pussy.
Technique #26: Make That Guy Smell Your Glory
Description - Here at my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET training camp we do not wash the floors
on which we train (we don't have mats, if you'd read page one, you'd know why. Obviously you
didn't and you are doomed to a life of failure because of this). We don't wash the floors for a
reason, like everythign else we do. For example, I totally meant to type "everythign," right then.
All typos involved with the production of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET are Tactical-Typos. Keep
that in mind.
You never heard of a Tactical-Typo? Sucks to be you, don't it?
Anyhow, we don't wash the floors because we believe that smell is an effective weapon, just
like loud noises and bright lights. You, as a student, must learn to use your entire body as a
weapon. Or, in some cases, double-weapons. Like a gun that shoots poop-bullets. Are we
getting this yet?
Description - Here at my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET training camp we do not wash the floors
on which we train (we don't have mats, if you'd read page one, you'd know why. Obviously you
didn't and you are doomed to a life of failure because of this). We don't wash the floors for a
reason, like everythign else we do. For example, I totally meant to type "everythign," right then.
All typos involved with the production of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET are Tactical-Typos. Keep
that in mind.
You never heard of a Tactical-Typo? Sucks to be you, don't it?
Anyhow, we don't wash the floors because we believe that smell is an effective weapon, just
like loud noises and bright lights. You, as a student, must learn to use your entire body as a
weapon. Or, in some cases, double-weapons. Like a gun that shoots poop-bullets. Are we
getting this yet?
Technique #27: Punch Dudes At Random
Description - I know it sounds harsh, okay, but this is serious business. You must train in
a manner which will prepare you for the realities of combat and, every so often, that will
require you to assault people who you may not think deserve it. I'm going to say this
once, everybody deserves to get punched in the face once in a while.
Everybody did something lame in their life. Something that built up some negative
Karma. I know what you did already...
You watched an episode of Ally McBeal and thought "this isn't so bad." You were wrong.
Enjoy the train to knuckle city, loser. All aboard!
Description - I know it sounds harsh, okay, but this is serious business. You must train in
a manner which will prepare you for the realities of combat and, every so often, that will
require you to assault people who you may not think deserve it. I'm going to say this
once, everybody deserves to get punched in the face once in a while.
Everybody did something lame in their life. Something that built up some negative
Karma. I know what you did already...
You watched an episode of Ally McBeal and thought "this isn't so bad." You were wrong.
Enjoy the train to knuckle city, loser. All aboard!
Technique #28: Take The High Ground
Description - It's one of the fundamental truths of combat that the person or army with the
higher ground is at a position of superiority to their opponent. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET
shares this truth as we are a reality-based training system. Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and
state that we are THE reality-based training system and all others are total posers. No, okay,
scratch that; we are the REALITY training system and aren't based on anything, we just are. I
like that. Damn, I'm good.
Back to the move here: You're gonna need a diving board or a ladder or perhaps a roof or
something. Something high and with a ledge, or something, that will hide you until the key
moment. Climb up there and wait until your opponent is directly under you...
Then just fucking dive-bomb that dude.
Trust me, it's brutal. Helmets are optional.
Description - It's one of the fundamental truths of combat that the person or army with the
higher ground is at a position of superiority to their opponent. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET
shares this truth as we are a reality-based training system. Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and
state that we are THE reality-based training system and all others are total posers. No, okay,
scratch that; we are the REALITY training system and aren't based on anything, we just are. I
like that. Damn, I'm good.
Back to the move here: You're gonna need a diving board or a ladder or perhaps a roof or
something. Something high and with a ledge, or something, that will hide you until the key
moment. Climb up there and wait until your opponent is directly under you...
Then just fucking dive-bomb that dude.
Trust me, it's brutal. Helmets are optional.
Technique #29: Pick A RELIABLE Ally
Description - There could be a chance that Technique #10 didn't work out for you all that
well and, when it came down to it, people weren't all that impressed by you being the
lone dork in a crew of black guys (who are culturally accepted to be far less dorky than
most other kinds of guy). If that's the case, you should consider these blanket rules when
selecting an alternative:
A- Pick a friend who has a mode of transport (a car, a plane, a helicopter, etc.).
B- Make sure this person, who owns said transport, will give you rides and not just pick
you up when you're in deep shit.
People seem to think that they are only obligated to give rides when people are drunk, in
labor, have been shot, or are trapped on a rock surrounded by rising tides of molten
lava. This really isn't true. If you're a real friend, you probably shouldn't throw a huge fit
because your buddy doesn't want to walk his pasty-ass through the shitty part of town
(to get to the only club that features bands who play music that doesn't make me want to
rip my eardrums out with pliers). You should be there from the get-go so these things
don't happen in the first place.
Fact is, those guys who only show up at the end of the journey, when things are really
fucked, are just dicks who get off on making you look like a jackass for being in that
situation- though you lacked alternatives and it really wasn't your fault. So, in
accordance with the tactical thinking you should be learning in heaps here at
SUPERFUCKINGSECRET, try and use your head, plan ahead, and don't just trust any
asshole with some wheels///
Or wings.
Description - There could be a chance that Technique #10 didn't work out for you all that
well and, when it came down to it, people weren't all that impressed by you being the
lone dork in a crew of black guys (who are culturally accepted to be far less dorky than
most other kinds of guy). If that's the case, you should consider these blanket rules when
selecting an alternative:
A- Pick a friend who has a mode of transport (a car, a plane, a helicopter, etc.).
B- Make sure this person, who owns said transport, will give you rides and not just pick
you up when you're in deep shit.
People seem to think that they are only obligated to give rides when people are drunk, in
labor, have been shot, or are trapped on a rock surrounded by rising tides of molten
lava. This really isn't true. If you're a real friend, you probably shouldn't throw a huge fit
because your buddy doesn't want to walk his pasty-ass through the shitty part of town
(to get to the only club that features bands who play music that doesn't make me want to
rip my eardrums out with pliers). You should be there from the get-go so these things
don't happen in the first place.
Fact is, those guys who only show up at the end of the journey, when things are really
fucked, are just dicks who get off on making you look like a jackass for being in that
situation- though you lacked alternatives and it really wasn't your fault. So, in
accordance with the tactical thinking you should be learning in heaps here at
SUPERFUCKINGSECRET, try and use your head, plan ahead, and don't just trust any
asshole with some wheels///
Or wings.
Technique #30: Find Your Natural Talent
Description - Everybody is born with something that makes him or her unique. Some
are naturally drawn to tinkering with mechanics, some have an accelerated ability to do
math, and some are gifted readers. Conversely, everybody has at least one thing,
which is usually discovered early on in life, that they do to completely disgust those
around them. You know what I'm talking about, you did it at the last party you attended
with an old friend who, despite your protests, eventually persuaded you to turn your
eyelids inside out, do that weird double-jointed thing with your shoulder, fart on
command or autofellate yourself for the entertainment of those around you.
The reason people were entertained by this is because they were prepared for it, had
you done it at random people would be scattering for the nearest door, bar or toilet (to
vomit into). Had you done this to, say, dissuade an attacker you would have found the
application to be a resounding success. So, the next time you find yourself in a
situation where physical application of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET may be forthcoming,
use that natural, gnarly thing you can do and watch as your would-be attacker reels
back in disgust. The battle will then be yours. Don't forget to practice; just make sure
I've left the area before you do that thing with your elbows. That one kills me. Yeessh.
Description - Everybody is born with something that makes him or her unique. Some
are naturally drawn to tinkering with mechanics, some have an accelerated ability to do
math, and some are gifted readers. Conversely, everybody has at least one thing,
which is usually discovered early on in life, that they do to completely disgust those
around them. You know what I'm talking about, you did it at the last party you attended
with an old friend who, despite your protests, eventually persuaded you to turn your
eyelids inside out, do that weird double-jointed thing with your shoulder, fart on
command or autofellate yourself for the entertainment of those around you.
The reason people were entertained by this is because they were prepared for it, had
you done it at random people would be scattering for the nearest door, bar or toilet (to
vomit into). Had you done this to, say, dissuade an attacker you would have found the
application to be a resounding success. So, the next time you find yourself in a
situation where physical application of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET may be forthcoming,
use that natural, gnarly thing you can do and watch as your would-be attacker reels
back in disgust. The battle will then be yours. Don't forget to practice; just make sure
I've left the area before you do that thing with your elbows. That one kills me. Yeessh.
Technique #31: Put Sticks In Your Butt... And A Few Other Places
Description - Stay with me here; nobody said this stuff was going to be easy. Sometimes,
in the furtherance of greatness, we are all forced to do things that are morally
questionable, undesirable or downright uncomfortable. It's just the way that life works. In
reference to becoming a master practitioner of The Martial Art of Dan Silver, the same
holds true.
Admit it, you've watched a porno where some, er, 'generous' woman takes on three
dudes at once. Don't act all offended, retards, if you didn't like that kind of stuff you
wouldn't even own a computer, much less visit my website. Anyhow, taking on three
dudes at a time, if you're a girl, is collectively known as being sealed, vapor-locked or
made airtight. If the dickee is a male, getting sealed up only requires two additional
helpers. Understand?
Now, do not confuse this erotic endeavor with the sex technique known as the Eiffel
Tower. Though similar, there are distinct differences that make the Eiffel Tower unique.
The Eiffel Tower only requires the presence of three people, but at least two of them
must be male or two women with simulated male appendages. The base of the tower is
the dickee, who assumes a position on his/her hands and knees. One side of the tower
then assumes a position at the tail end of the base person and one at the head end.
Double-intercourse begins and the two happy folks at the front and rear simultaneously
give each other double high fives (also known as the high ten). At this point the pyramid
shape made by the three bodies bears a distinct resemblance to (you guessed it) the
Eiffel Tower. So you can see the difference as there may be an orifice left unsealed, if
the base is female, during an Eiffel Towering thereby limiting its relevance to this specific
technique.
No doubt, if you're still reading, you're concerned as to where the hell I'm going with this
and wondering how I will salvage this whole thing. Well, wonder no more: people who are
willing to insert two or three phallic objects into their bodies are unquestionably the
toughest people on earth. If you want to be that tough, if you want to be able to defeat
one of these people in battle, you must be willing to train in the same rigorous manner.
So, take some of those sticks you have laying around from your useless Escrima lessons,
grease 'em up and get to work.
Send pictures.
I actually feel kind of bad about writing this. I promise, it's all high-brow comedy from here
on out.
Description - Stay with me here; nobody said this stuff was going to be easy. Sometimes,
in the furtherance of greatness, we are all forced to do things that are morally
questionable, undesirable or downright uncomfortable. It's just the way that life works. In
reference to becoming a master practitioner of The Martial Art of Dan Silver, the same
holds true.
Admit it, you've watched a porno where some, er, 'generous' woman takes on three
dudes at once. Don't act all offended, retards, if you didn't like that kind of stuff you
wouldn't even own a computer, much less visit my website. Anyhow, taking on three
dudes at a time, if you're a girl, is collectively known as being sealed, vapor-locked or
made airtight. If the dickee is a male, getting sealed up only requires two additional
helpers. Understand?
Now, do not confuse this erotic endeavor with the sex technique known as the Eiffel
Tower. Though similar, there are distinct differences that make the Eiffel Tower unique.
The Eiffel Tower only requires the presence of three people, but at least two of them
must be male or two women with simulated male appendages. The base of the tower is
the dickee, who assumes a position on his/her hands and knees. One side of the tower
then assumes a position at the tail end of the base person and one at the head end.
Double-intercourse begins and the two happy folks at the front and rear simultaneously
give each other double high fives (also known as the high ten). At this point the pyramid
shape made by the three bodies bears a distinct resemblance to (you guessed it) the
Eiffel Tower. So you can see the difference as there may be an orifice left unsealed, if
the base is female, during an Eiffel Towering thereby limiting its relevance to this specific
technique.
No doubt, if you're still reading, you're concerned as to where the hell I'm going with this
and wondering how I will salvage this whole thing. Well, wonder no more: people who are
willing to insert two or three phallic objects into their bodies are unquestionably the
toughest people on earth. If you want to be that tough, if you want to be able to defeat
one of these people in battle, you must be willing to train in the same rigorous manner.
So, take some of those sticks you have laying around from your useless Escrima lessons,
grease 'em up and get to work.
Send pictures.
I actually feel kind of bad about writing this. I promise, it's all high-brow comedy from here
on out.
Technique #32: The 'Not Ready' Punch
Description - This classic defense move is perfect for competition, provided the
referee isn't paying too much attention. It's good for street survival as well, and is
relatively simple to perform. The first step is to learn how to throw a decent punch; one
you really put your upper body into. Don't just throw it with the arm. Turn the torso into
the blow. Step into it. Make a solid fist. You get the idea.
Next, face your opponent in the classic, bent-kneed combat stance. Then, and this is
critical, just before you are about to engage in combat, stand back up abruptly and say
to your foe, "Sorry, Dude. Hold on a sec. I'm not ready." Begin to fix your belt or
something. As soon as homeboy looks like he's relaxed, grab him by his jacket or gi
and just uppercut the holy hell out of his crotch until the ref, a bouncer or a police
officer pulls you off the guy.
If your opponent is female, grab a handful of hair and punch the boobs like they are
speed-bags.
Description - This classic defense move is perfect for competition, provided the
referee isn't paying too much attention. It's good for street survival as well, and is
relatively simple to perform. The first step is to learn how to throw a decent punch; one
you really put your upper body into. Don't just throw it with the arm. Turn the torso into
the blow. Step into it. Make a solid fist. You get the idea.
Next, face your opponent in the classic, bent-kneed combat stance. Then, and this is
critical, just before you are about to engage in combat, stand back up abruptly and say
to your foe, "Sorry, Dude. Hold on a sec. I'm not ready." Begin to fix your belt or
something. As soon as homeboy looks like he's relaxed, grab him by his jacket or gi
and just uppercut the holy hell out of his crotch until the ref, a bouncer or a police
officer pulls you off the guy.
If your opponent is female, grab a handful of hair and punch the boobs like they are
speed-bags.
Technique #33: Wear Something Horrible
Description – It’s no secret that bad fashion hurts us all, collectively, as humans.
However, in the realm of combat, one can use this same theory to triumph. If you don’t
believe me, take a look at camouflage. All camouflage is horrifically ugly. Only because
rough men have worn it for years on the field of battle does it have any fashion cred.
Case in point is the fact that every pair of Old Navy cargo shorts ever made has a cammo
pattern.
But camouflage is very passé, and far too commonplace to work for this move. You need
to go big: paisley, gold lame (it’s spelled L-A-M-E!), neon plaid slacks, huge collared
shirts, skin-tight jumpsuits, that weird printed synthetic stuff that was so big in late
Nineties Clubland, and/or pastel corduroy are what I’m talking about here.
Once you don such a pattern, you are guaranteed to make one of two things happen in a
fight:
A- Your outfit will be so distracting that you can use one of the myriad of other techniques
I’ve already taught you, or improvise on your own (which I don’t recommend, by the way).
B- Your outfit will be so distracting that nobody will notice how completely, utterly owned
you just got.
Description – It’s no secret that bad fashion hurts us all, collectively, as humans.
However, in the realm of combat, one can use this same theory to triumph. If you don’t
believe me, take a look at camouflage. All camouflage is horrifically ugly. Only because
rough men have worn it for years on the field of battle does it have any fashion cred.
Case in point is the fact that every pair of Old Navy cargo shorts ever made has a cammo
pattern.
But camouflage is very passé, and far too commonplace to work for this move. You need
to go big: paisley, gold lame (it’s spelled L-A-M-E!), neon plaid slacks, huge collared
shirts, skin-tight jumpsuits, that weird printed synthetic stuff that was so big in late
Nineties Clubland, and/or pastel corduroy are what I’m talking about here.
Once you don such a pattern, you are guaranteed to make one of two things happen in a
fight:
A- Your outfit will be so distracting that you can use one of the myriad of other techniques
I’ve already taught you, or improvise on your own (which I don’t recommend, by the way).
B- Your outfit will be so distracting that nobody will notice how completely, utterly owned
you just got.