Description- Here at my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET training camp we do not wash the floors on which we train (we don't have mats, if you'd read page one, you'd know why. Obviously you didn't and you are doomed to a life of failure because of this). We don't wash the floors for a reason, like everythign else we do. For example, I totally meant to type "everythign," right then. All typos involved with the production of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET are Tactical-Typos. Keep that in mind.
You never heard of a Tactical-Typo? Sucks to be you, don't it?
Anyhow, we don't wash the floors because we believe that smell is an effective weapon, just like loud noises and bright lights. You, as a student, must learn to use your entire body as a weapon. Or, in some cases, double-weapons. Like a gun that shoots poop-bullets. Are we getting this yet?
Description- I know it sounds harsh, okay, but this is serious business. You must train in a manner which will prepare you for the realities of combat and, every so often, that will require you to assault people who you may not think deserve it. I'm going to say this once, everybody deserves to get punched in the face once in a while.
Everybody did something lame in their life. Something that built up some negative Karma. I know what you did already...
You watched an episode of Ally McBeal and thought "this isn't so bad." You were wrong. Enjoy the train to knuckle city, loser. All aboard!
Description- It’s one of the fundamental truths of combat that the person or army with the higher ground is at a position of superiority to their opponent. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET shares this truth as we are a reality-based training system. Actually, I’m gonna go ahead and state that we are THE reality-based training system and all others are total posers. No, okay, scratch that; we are the REALITY training system and aren’t based on anything, we just are. I like that. Damn, I’m good.
Back to the move here: You’re gonna need a diving board or a ladder or perhaps a roof or something. Something high and with a ledge, or something, that will hide you until the key moment. Climb up there and wait until your opponent is directly under you…
Then just fucking dive-bomb that dude.
Trust me, it’s brutal. Helmets are optional.
Description- There could be a chance that Technique #10 didn’t work out for you all that well and, when it came down to it, people weren’t all that impressed by you being the lone dork in a crew of black guys (who are culturally accepted to be far less dorky than most other kinds of guy). If that’s the case, you should consider these blanket rules when selecting an alternative:
A- Pick a friend who has a mode of transport (a car, a plane, a helicopter, etc.).
B- Make sure this person, who owns said transport, will give you rides and not just pick you up when you’re in deep shit.
People seem to think that they are only obligated to give rides when people are drunk, in labor, have been shot, or are trapped on a rock surrounded by rising tides of molten lava. This really isn’t true. If you’re a real friend, you probably shouldn’t throw a huge fit because your buddy doesn’t want to walk his pasty-ass through the shitty part of town (to get to the only club that features bands who play music that doesn’t make me want to rip my eardrums out with pliers). You should be there from the get-go so these things don’t happen in the first place.
Fact is, those guys who only show up at the end of the journey, when things are really fucked, are just dicks who get off on making you look like a jackass for being in that situation- though you lacked alternatives and it really wasn’t your fault. So, in accordance with the tactical thinking you should be learning in heaps here at SUPERFUCKINGSECRET, try and use your head, plan ahead, and don’t just trust any asshole with some wheels…
Or wings.
Description- Everybody is born with something that makes him or her unique. Some are naturally drawn to tinkering with mechanics, some have an accelerated ability to do math, and some are gifted readers. Conversely, everybody has at least one thing, which is usually discovered early on in life, that they do to completely disgust those around them. You know what I’m talking about, you did it at the last party you attended with an old friend who, despite your protests, eventually persuaded you to turn your eyelids inside out, do that weird double-jointed thing with your shoulder, fart on command or autofellate yourself for the entertainment of those around you.
The reason people were entertained by this is because they were prepared for it, had you done it at random people would be scattering for the nearest door, bar or toilet (to vomit into). Had you done this to, say, dissuade an attacker you would have found the application to be a resounding success. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where physical application of SUPERFUCKINGSECRET may be forthcoming, use that natural, gnarly thing you can do and watch as your would-be attacker reels back in disgust. The battle will then be yours. Don’t forget to practice, just make sure I’ve left the area before you do that fucked thing with your elbows. That one kills me. Yeessh.
Description- Stay with me here, nobody said this stuff was going to be easy. Sometimes, in the furtherance of greatness, we are all forced to do things that are morally questionable, undesirable or downright uncomfortable. It’s just the way that life works. In reference to becoming a master practitioner of The Martial Art of Dan Silver, the same holds true.
Admit it, you’ve watched a porno where some, er, ‘generous’ woman takes on three dudes at once. Don’t act all offended, retards, if you didn’t like that kind of stuff you wouldn’t even own a computer, much less visit my website. Anyhow, taking on three dudes at a time, if you’re a girl, is collectively known as being sealed, vapor-locked or made airtight. If the dickee is a male, getting sealed up only requires two additional helpers. Understand?
Now, do not confuse this erotic endeavor with the sex technique known as the Eiffel Tower. Though similar, there are distinct differences that make the Eiffel Tower unique. The Eiffel Tower only requires the presence of three people, but at least two of them must be male or two women with simulated male appendages. The base of the tower is the dickee, who assumes a position on his/her hands and knees. One side of the tower then assumes a position at the tail end of the base person and one at the head end. Double-intercourse begins and the two happy folks at the front and rear simultaneously give each other double high fives (also known as the high ten). At this point the pyramid shape made by the three bodies bears a distinct resemblance to (you guessed it) the Eiffel Tower. So you can see the difference as there may be an orifice left unsealed, if the base is female, during an Eiffel Towering thereby limiting its relevance to this specific technique.
No doubt, if you’re still reading, you’re concerned as to where the hell I’m going with this and wondering how I will salvage this whole thing. Well, wonder no more: people who are willing to insert two or three phallic objects into their bodies are unquestionably the toughest people on earth. If you want to be that tough, if you want to be able to defeat one of these people in battle, you must be willing to train in the same rigorous manner. So, take some of those sticks you have laying around from your useless Escrima lessons, grease ‘em up and get to work.
Send pictures.
I actually feel kind of bad about writing this. I promise, it’s all high-brow comedy from here on out.
