Considering my repeated examples of martial prowess I have
decided to grace the public with the SUPERFUCKINGSECRET
martial art that I have honed and practiced to a fine tune. I call this
fighting system, which will soon have a complete line of VHS tapes
available for purchase (I'm thinking about $400.00 for the complete
set of ten tapes), Dan Silver's SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial
art. In order to whet the public's appetite for my brilliance, I have
decided to post some pictures of my students practicing my
SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial art. I intend on updating them on
a fairly regular basis. Enjoy, but be warned prior to attempting any
of the moves demonstrated below...
With great power comes great responsibility.
decided to grace the public with the SUPERFUCKINGSECRET
martial art that I have honed and practiced to a fine tune. I call this
fighting system, which will soon have a complete line of VHS tapes
available for purchase (I'm thinking about $400.00 for the complete
set of ten tapes), Dan Silver's SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial
art. In order to whet the public's appetite for my brilliance, I have
decided to post some pictures of my students practicing my
SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial art. I intend on updating them on
a fairly regular basis. Enjoy, but be warned prior to attempting any
of the moves demonstrated below...
With great power comes great responsibility.
Technique #1: The Flying Shoelace Whip Kick.
Description- This kick has a number of applications. You have to be wearing sneakers to do this
move. To do it, stand pretty far away from your opponent. Then, while KEEPING YOUR
HANDS DOWN BY YOUR SIDES (that's like, way important) bring your front leg up and, at the
top of the movement, flip your foot down quickly in order to snap your shoelaces like a whip. If
you do it right, you'll catch your opponent under his finger nails or in his eye with the plastic part
at the end of the shoelace. Then you will totally own him.
Description- This kick has a number of applications. You have to be wearing sneakers to do this
move. To do it, stand pretty far away from your opponent. Then, while KEEPING YOUR
HANDS DOWN BY YOUR SIDES (that's like, way important) bring your front leg up and, at the
top of the movement, flip your foot down quickly in order to snap your shoelaces like a whip. If
you do it right, you'll catch your opponent under his finger nails or in his eye with the plastic part
at the end of the shoelace. Then you will totally own him.
Technique #2: The Laying Pole Lock.
Description- There's no doubt that this is a highly effective way of subduing an attacker, provided you
have a pole on hand and the guy is laying on his face already. For this move we'll go ahead and assume
that the shoelace whip kick worked and your attacker has fallen onto his stomach in pain. Now, simply,
twist the attacker's arm around in a clockwise manner and insert your long, smooth, hard pole into the
crook of his elbow, extending it to the back of his head. Then pull up on your stick until the guy starts
screaming. Then, hang out until the guy gives up, I guess.
Description- There's no doubt that this is a highly effective way of subduing an attacker, provided you
have a pole on hand and the guy is laying on his face already. For this move we'll go ahead and assume
that the shoelace whip kick worked and your attacker has fallen onto his stomach in pain. Now, simply,
twist the attacker's arm around in a clockwise manner and insert your long, smooth, hard pole into the
crook of his elbow, extending it to the back of his head. Then pull up on your stick until the guy starts
screaming. Then, hang out until the guy gives up, I guess.
Technique #3: The Foot Punch.
Description- The Foot Punch is so fucking cool. Nobody ever thinks it's coming until it's too late. To
effectively perform this move, face your attacker in a cool Bruce Lee-like fighting stance and make a bunch
of "whooo-aaahh" noises like he does in the movies. This should serve to effectively blind and deafen your
attacker. Then, suddenly, drop down and punch STRAIGHT DOWN on the guy's foot with your closed
fist. Then yell "booyah!" He's gonna be hurting, trust me. Just make sure you hit his foot because he's
probably standing on concrete. Don't worry though, you won't miss. I have confidence in you.
Description- The Foot Punch is so fucking cool. Nobody ever thinks it's coming until it's too late. To
effectively perform this move, face your attacker in a cool Bruce Lee-like fighting stance and make a bunch
of "whooo-aaahh" noises like he does in the movies. This should serve to effectively blind and deafen your
attacker. Then, suddenly, drop down and punch STRAIGHT DOWN on the guy's foot with your closed
fist. Then yell "booyah!" He's gonna be hurting, trust me. Just make sure you hit his foot because he's
probably standing on concrete. Don't worry though, you won't miss. I have confidence in you.
Technique #4: The Dan Silver Single Leg.
Description- Let's face it folks, sometimes fights have to go to the ground. This is the sole point on which I
agree with other practitioners of martial arts. Otherwise, they're all full of crap. So let's drill a takedown, shall
we? To do this one, get behind your attacker with sufficient distance for a running start. I recommend a
minimum of twenty feet. Then, run full speed and drop low behind your attacker. Pick up one leg and put it
on your shoulder. Then stand up, as hard as you have ever stood up, and take a couple steps forward. Dude's
gonna drop like a backpack full of bricks.
Description- Let's face it folks, sometimes fights have to go to the ground. This is the sole point on which I
agree with other practitioners of martial arts. Otherwise, they're all full of crap. So let's drill a takedown, shall
we? To do this one, get behind your attacker with sufficient distance for a running start. I recommend a
minimum of twenty feet. Then, run full speed and drop low behind your attacker. Pick up one leg and put it
on your shoulder. Then stand up, as hard as you have ever stood up, and take a couple steps forward. Dude's
gonna drop like a backpack full of bricks.
Technique #5: Suck It Up Bro.
Description- This isn't so much a technique as it is a philosophy. You have to keep your cool when attacked.
This drill will help. Stand perfectly still with your relaxed arms by your sides. Have a blank expression. Then
let some guy jump-kick you in the throat. Repeat as needed until you stop crying like a little bitch.
Description- This isn't so much a technique as it is a philosophy. You have to keep your cool when attacked.
This drill will help. Stand perfectly still with your relaxed arms by your sides. Have a blank expression. Then
let some guy jump-kick you in the throat. Repeat as needed until you stop crying like a little bitch.
Technique #6: Puch That Kid In The Face.
Description- There are a few good applications for this move. Among the best of them is when your junior
students get mouthy about having to do twenty reps of Technique #5. Have Billy-San grab your sleeve with
his (same side) hand. Then, while addressing your other students about different ways to clear Billy-San's
grip, punch that fucker right in the mouth. Billy-San is a kiss-ass anyhow.
Description- There are a few good applications for this move. Among the best of them is when your junior
students get mouthy about having to do twenty reps of Technique #5. Have Billy-San grab your sleeve with
his (same side) hand. Then, while addressing your other students about different ways to clear Billy-San's
grip, punch that fucker right in the mouth. Billy-San is a kiss-ass anyhow.
Technique #7: The Broom Kata.
Description- Armed forms of martial arts are super cool. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is no exception. We
have a bunch of cool weapons. Not only are weapons cool but they are totally necessary if you ever want to
be taken seriously as a martial artist. Also required in any real martial art is the Kata. For those of you not in
the know, Katas are a bunch of martial arts moves (which all suck if I didn't invent them by the way) done
in the air, not near an attacker. Katas are way important cuz they make you learn stuff better and look cool
as shit. Yeah...
Anyhow, this is a broom Kata. The broom is arguably the most effective weapon available in almost any
home. My Kata has two people though so it's twice as good and not like other Katas. To perform it, get
another student and two brooms. Then get all fruited up in an orange jumpsuit. Then, clear your mind of all
thought and act as though you are sweeping the inside of a big tunnel, up, down, left, right, etc. Finally
imagine that sweeping motion bashes the other guy in the head while his back is turned.
Repeat.
Description- Armed forms of martial arts are super cool. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is no exception. We
have a bunch of cool weapons. Not only are weapons cool but they are totally necessary if you ever want to
be taken seriously as a martial artist. Also required in any real martial art is the Kata. For those of you not in
the know, Katas are a bunch of martial arts moves (which all suck if I didn't invent them by the way) done
in the air, not near an attacker. Katas are way important cuz they make you learn stuff better and look cool
as shit. Yeah...
Anyhow, this is a broom Kata. The broom is arguably the most effective weapon available in almost any
home. My Kata has two people though so it's twice as good and not like other Katas. To perform it, get
another student and two brooms. Then get all fruited up in an orange jumpsuit. Then, clear your mind of all
thought and act as though you are sweeping the inside of a big tunnel, up, down, left, right, etc. Finally
imagine that sweeping motion bashes the other guy in the head while his back is turned.
Repeat.
Technique #8: Stab Defense Alpha.
Description- Let's be real here folks. Some people carry knives and, sometimes, you're gonna be without a
broom to protect yourself. In this situation you're gonna need to have some knife defense skills. Lucky for
your formerly unlucky ass I have a shitload of techniques to fit this bill. The first one is Alpha. To perform
Stab Defense Alpha, get in really close to a guy who has a really big knife. This is critical now, DON'T
EVER LOOK AT THE KNIFE. That's just gonna psyche you out. Just listen for the whistle as the knife
cuts through the air on it's way to your neck (or so it thinks). Now, block the knife with your free hand and
then smash your other hand into the guy's nose. He'll probably call it quits after that. I would. If not, just
keep blocking those knife attacks and hitting the guy in the nose 'till he bleeds enough to pass out. You'll be
all good at this point.
Description- Let's be real here folks. Some people carry knives and, sometimes, you're gonna be without a
broom to protect yourself. In this situation you're gonna need to have some knife defense skills. Lucky for
your formerly unlucky ass I have a shitload of techniques to fit this bill. The first one is Alpha. To perform
Stab Defense Alpha, get in really close to a guy who has a really big knife. This is critical now, DON'T
EVER LOOK AT THE KNIFE. That's just gonna psyche you out. Just listen for the whistle as the knife
cuts through the air on it's way to your neck (or so it thinks). Now, block the knife with your free hand and
then smash your other hand into the guy's nose. He'll probably call it quits after that. I would. If not, just
keep blocking those knife attacks and hitting the guy in the nose 'till he bleeds enough to pass out. You'll be
all good at this point.
Technique #9: The Palm Bomb.
Most people with "traditional" martial arts training expect a finger lock here. But, thinking outside
"traditional" methods is what makes my style so superior. So, if your attacker throws a punch at you, grab
his fingers in mid-flight and spin them around while unfolding your attacker's fist. Then, once the palm of
the hand is turned towards you, gather up the biggest ball of nasty phlem you can muster and hack that big
yellow bad-boy right on that dude's exposed palm. He'll be so grossed out.
Most people with "traditional" martial arts training expect a finger lock here. But, thinking outside
"traditional" methods is what makes my style so superior. So, if your attacker throws a punch at you, grab
his fingers in mid-flight and spin them around while unfolding your attacker's fist. Then, once the palm of
the hand is turned towards you, gather up the biggest ball of nasty phlem you can muster and hack that big
yellow bad-boy right on that dude's exposed palm. He'll be so grossed out.
Technique #10: Make Friends With Black Dudes.
Description- Seriously. Your dork-ass probably needs them. If you aren't really coordinated at all and
you wear glasses and can't do too many push-ups in a row then make friends with a bunch of black
dudes. Nobody messes with a whole bunch of black dudes. People are scared of them and they will be
scared of you by association. That's like: SUPERFUCKINGSECRET PSYCHOLOGICAL
WARFARE. And that's cool.
I mean dope.
Description- Seriously. Your dork-ass probably needs them. If you aren't really coordinated at all and
you wear glasses and can't do too many push-ups in a row then make friends with a bunch of black
dudes. Nobody messes with a whole bunch of black dudes. People are scared of them and they will be
scared of you by association. That's like: SUPERFUCKINGSECRET PSYCHOLOGICAL
WARFARE. And that's cool.
I mean dope.
Technique #11: Buy My Realistic Training Simulation Dummy!
Description- You really need to buy my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET technique simulation dummy. No
other training thing will aid you as much as this. I guarantee instant progress in the universally accepted
martial arts principals of "looking badass" and "blocking one of four limbs."
If you'll note, in the image below, that I have enlisted a total pantywaste to practice a few of the techniques
I have already explained. Shown is the Stab Defense Alpha. Watch how the single spring-loaded arm is
blocked and the realistic black leather face is struck with an open hand. Demolishing and furious power,
ain't it? Power that my dummy sucks right up into it's Almost Level TM support legs at the base that ensure
Lifelike Movement TM of the dummy. And, that Lifelike Movement TM will frequently become Lifelike
Falling Down TM which will begat Lifelike Total Body Workout Picking That Bastard Back Up TM(it
weights like 70lbs which is way heavy for your weak-ass).
Description- You really need to buy my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET technique simulation dummy. No
other training thing will aid you as much as this. I guarantee instant progress in the universally accepted
martial arts principals of "looking badass" and "blocking one of four limbs."
If you'll note, in the image below, that I have enlisted a total pantywaste to practice a few of the techniques
I have already explained. Shown is the Stab Defense Alpha. Watch how the single spring-loaded arm is
blocked and the realistic black leather face is struck with an open hand. Demolishing and furious power,
ain't it? Power that my dummy sucks right up into it's Almost Level TM support legs at the base that ensure
Lifelike Movement TM of the dummy. And, that Lifelike Movement TM will frequently become Lifelike
Falling Down TM which will begat Lifelike Total Body Workout Picking That Bastard Back Up TM(it
weights like 70lbs which is way heavy for your weak-ass).
Technique #12: Train Naked.
Description- Dude. Really. Give it a shot. You have no idea how liberating it is to work up a good sweat
around so many like-minded and like-bodied guys (meeoww!). Super-homo-fun aside, training nude
really reveals nature's best "handles," places that you would never think of grabbing if you had pants on.
Just, please...
Shower before and after, kay?
Description- Dude. Really. Give it a shot. You have no idea how liberating it is to work up a good sweat
around so many like-minded and like-bodied guys (meeoww!). Super-homo-fun aside, training nude
really reveals nature's best "handles," places that you would never think of grabbing if you had pants on.
Just, please...
Shower before and after, kay?
Technique #13: Photoshop That Shit!
Description- Yeah baby. Photoshop the holy-F out of that shit. I mean it, if you are having trouble
with your techniques looking like the shaven-kitty goodness that they should, then bust out
Photoshop and go to town. Photoshop can hide the fact that you are a fat pile or a long haired,
headband wearing hippy dumbass. I like putting a little haziness and aura on my training photo's to
make it all mystical. That's how martial arts are supposed to be, full of lightning and a bunch of
sound effects and crap. Mine is no different.
Description- Yeah baby. Photoshop the holy-F out of that shit. I mean it, if you are having trouble
with your techniques looking like the shaven-kitty goodness that they should, then bust out
Photoshop and go to town. Photoshop can hide the fact that you are a fat pile or a long haired,
headband wearing hippy dumbass. I like putting a little haziness and aura on my training photo's to
make it all mystical. That's how martial arts are supposed to be, full of lightning and a bunch of
sound effects and crap. Mine is no different.
Technique #14: Dress The Part.
Description- You can't be a master of combat wearing some sweatshirt you got from Old Navy for
like fifteen bucks or whatever. You need an awesome martial arts uniform, a black belt and some cool
accessory like a weapon. Oh, and when you are shopping for weapons, get the ones with the two
syllable names like 'kama' or 'tonfa.' Those are the coolest. 'Sword' and 'bo' just don't roll off the
tongue. Now for the critical part, find a bunch of retards dressed up just like you and train in front of
them. You'll totally look like the leader of the group if you aren't retarded, even if you're just some fat
slob with a stupid 70's haircut and a dingy beard. Then, make the prettiest retarded girl go out with
you. She will, just buy her a puppy and let her name it. Retarded girls eat that crap up.
Description- You can't be a master of combat wearing some sweatshirt you got from Old Navy for
like fifteen bucks or whatever. You need an awesome martial arts uniform, a black belt and some cool
accessory like a weapon. Oh, and when you are shopping for weapons, get the ones with the two
syllable names like 'kama' or 'tonfa.' Those are the coolest. 'Sword' and 'bo' just don't roll off the
tongue. Now for the critical part, find a bunch of retards dressed up just like you and train in front of
them. You'll totally look like the leader of the group if you aren't retarded, even if you're just some fat
slob with a stupid 70's haircut and a dingy beard. Then, make the prettiest retarded girl go out with
you. She will, just buy her a puppy and let her name it. Retarded girls eat that crap up.
Technique #15: Keep 'Em Guessing.
Description- This one is really effective. You don't want to show all your cards to your opponent, especially if
you are playing cards. That's just stupid. Why would you want to do that? You should just give your money
away to your opponent because that's what your doing when you show your cards to him. Don't even talk to
me about card playing anymore, you are here to learn and your pissing me off now. Where was I?
Oh yeah, SUPERFUCKINGBLAHBLAH okay now I remember. So, keep them guessing. Don't 'bob' or
'weave' or any of that malarkey. Here's what you do. Get a whole bunch of dudes dressed up in cool karate
uniforms. Then, have a bunch of stuff laying around that you could break like boards and bricks and shit.
Throw some cool props in there too. Then, all at once,
EVERYBODY DO SOMETHING!
It doesn't matter what. Just make it up. Use some of the stuff laying around. If you're at a loss for what to do
just refer to some of my earlier techniques. If you don't know what your doing, don't worry, the audience
doesn't either.
Description- This one is really effective. You don't want to show all your cards to your opponent, especially if
you are playing cards. That's just stupid. Why would you want to do that? You should just give your money
away to your opponent because that's what your doing when you show your cards to him. Don't even talk to
me about card playing anymore, you are here to learn and your pissing me off now. Where was I?
Oh yeah, SUPERFUCKINGBLAHBLAH okay now I remember. So, keep them guessing. Don't 'bob' or
'weave' or any of that malarkey. Here's what you do. Get a whole bunch of dudes dressed up in cool karate
uniforms. Then, have a bunch of stuff laying around that you could break like boards and bricks and shit.
Throw some cool props in there too. Then, all at once,
EVERYBODY DO SOMETHING!
It doesn't matter what. Just make it up. Use some of the stuff laying around. If you're at a loss for what to do
just refer to some of my earlier techniques. If you don't know what your doing, don't worry, the audience
doesn't either.
Technique #16: Show 'Em What You Got.
Description- You ever heard the old saying "if you've got it, flaunt it." This is the same thing only
with punches and kicks thrown in the mix. Easy right?
Wrong!
How dare you assume that any of this is easy. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is by its very nature
really hard. Know why?
No you don't!
But I'll tell you. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is really hard because I invented it and I'm better than
you.
Don't act like you knew that...
But you better know that.
Oh, you're sorry? That isn't good enough. Learn this technique and then worry about repairing the
rift growing between student (your sorry ass) and sensei (moi). Here's how you do it. If you're a
dude, wear loose fitting shorts and do a lot of stretching. When your opponent comes at you, kick
up really high and let the fruitbowl out in all it's glory. I promise you that, even though your
opponent won't want to look, he will anyways. You can't not look. It's like when you get mooned
and the guy bends over way too far and you see the hairy grossness. You still look because you
are a human and curious. After he looks, punch his face really hard.
If your a girl just lift your top up and let the puppies out. Nobody would hurt a puppy. Go ahead
and give that one a shot now; I'll get the camera so we can take notes.
Description- You ever heard the old saying "if you've got it, flaunt it." This is the same thing only
with punches and kicks thrown in the mix. Easy right?
Wrong!
How dare you assume that any of this is easy. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is by its very nature
really hard. Know why?
No you don't!
But I'll tell you. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is really hard because I invented it and I'm better than
you.
Don't act like you knew that...
But you better know that.
Oh, you're sorry? That isn't good enough. Learn this technique and then worry about repairing the
rift growing between student (your sorry ass) and sensei (moi). Here's how you do it. If you're a
dude, wear loose fitting shorts and do a lot of stretching. When your opponent comes at you, kick
up really high and let the fruitbowl out in all it's glory. I promise you that, even though your
opponent won't want to look, he will anyways. You can't not look. It's like when you get mooned
and the guy bends over way too far and you see the hairy grossness. You still look because you
are a human and curious. After he looks, punch his face really hard.
If your a girl just lift your top up and let the puppies out. Nobody would hurt a puppy. Go ahead
and give that one a shot now; I'll get the camera so we can take notes.
Technique #17: Bust A Move.
Description- Look man, some people are hopeless. I mean that some people simply don't have what it
takes to be a SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial artist supreme. That's okay. This system isn't for
everybody. It's a fact.
So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...
Chicks aren't really all that impressed by incredible martial arts moves. However, chicks are totally
impressed by super cool dance moves. Really.
Think about how many people loved Elvis when he was young and doing that hip shakin' thing. Now
think about how many people loved him when he was doing that weird karate kick stuff on that
equally weird round stage wearing that extremely weird white jumpsuit. Not many right?
So if you are struggling with my moves give this a try: Learn to dance like a mofo. You'll thank me.
By the way, looking a hell of a whole lot like Freddy Mercury couldn't hurt either.
Description- Look man, some people are hopeless. I mean that some people simply don't have what it
takes to be a SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial artist supreme. That's okay. This system isn't for
everybody. It's a fact.
So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...
Chicks aren't really all that impressed by incredible martial arts moves. However, chicks are totally
impressed by super cool dance moves. Really.
Think about how many people loved Elvis when he was young and doing that hip shakin' thing. Now
think about how many people loved him when he was doing that weird karate kick stuff on that
equally weird round stage wearing that extremely weird white jumpsuit. Not many right?
So if you are struggling with my moves give this a try: Learn to dance like a mofo. You'll thank me.
By the way, looking a hell of a whole lot like Freddy Mercury couldn't hurt either.
Technique #18: Believe In The Technique.
Description- Once again, philosophy appears in my deadly system of martial skills. Being one with
the inner self will help coordinate the exterior self. That is the foundation to many aspects of life,
not just my martial art. If time has taught us anything, it's that unrelenting, unquestioning belief is
always beneficial to everything always... forever.
Yeah huh! Totally, don't believe me? What about the Jonestown cult? They got to drink Koolaide
and that crap is pretty good. Still not convinced? Heaven's Gate. "Do" and his wacky crew,
apparently, are all now riding around on a spaceship disguised as the Hale Bop comet. I bet
they're all laughing at us now as they surround themselves with space-ass and space-booze.
So believe in what people tell you. If you do, you will be rewarded with victory...
Unless you do Aikido; that crap is total bullshit.
Description- Once again, philosophy appears in my deadly system of martial skills. Being one with
the inner self will help coordinate the exterior self. That is the foundation to many aspects of life,
not just my martial art. If time has taught us anything, it's that unrelenting, unquestioning belief is
always beneficial to everything always... forever.
Yeah huh! Totally, don't believe me? What about the Jonestown cult? They got to drink Koolaide
and that crap is pretty good. Still not convinced? Heaven's Gate. "Do" and his wacky crew,
apparently, are all now riding around on a spaceship disguised as the Hale Bop comet. I bet
they're all laughing at us now as they surround themselves with space-ass and space-booze.
So believe in what people tell you. If you do, you will be rewarded with victory...
Unless you do Aikido; that crap is total bullshit.
Technique #19: Go Undercover And Strike When That Ass-Wipe Least Expects It.
Description- You need to listen carefully here because it is important. You cannot tell anybody about
this technique... who you may attempt to, one day, stab with a sword.
Got it? Good. That's paramount.
There are a bunch of good reasons why you may want to stab somebody with a sword. They could
have killed your father, they could have raped your mother, they could have had consensual, and
non-violent sex with your wife. They could have bent your comics.
Or they could be such dorks that they are too dangerous to let live.
So, think like your enemy. Get a sword. Get a stupid outfit that makes you look like a gay-pirate.
Adopt a really terrible Cockney accent. Pretend like you know what Mead tasted like before some
creepy guy with a beard gave you some in a canvas tent one day. Deny the fact that, despite what all
the people around you protest, you are profoundly un-fuckable to any girl who isn't a fat pig hidden
under an over-taxed corset.
Then stab that fucker and get the hell out of that dork-ass Renaisance Fair to someplace where the
women shower.
Description- You need to listen carefully here because it is important. You cannot tell anybody about
this technique... who you may attempt to, one day, stab with a sword.
Got it? Good. That's paramount.
There are a bunch of good reasons why you may want to stab somebody with a sword. They could
have killed your father, they could have raped your mother, they could have had consensual, and
non-violent sex with your wife. They could have bent your comics.
Or they could be such dorks that they are too dangerous to let live.
So, think like your enemy. Get a sword. Get a stupid outfit that makes you look like a gay-pirate.
Adopt a really terrible Cockney accent. Pretend like you know what Mead tasted like before some
creepy guy with a beard gave you some in a canvas tent one day. Deny the fact that, despite what all
the people around you protest, you are profoundly un-fuckable to any girl who isn't a fat pig hidden
under an over-taxed corset.
Then stab that fucker and get the hell out of that dork-ass Renaisance Fair to someplace where the
women shower.
Technique #20: The Skullcrusher!
Description- Oh, yeah. This is it. This is what you've been waiting for. This is, the technique made
popular by Blade Runner and Strange Brew. The climactic technique used to vanquish one's enemy in
a terrible and crunchy way. The end-all, be-all of finishing moves in the martial arts. Yes, The
SKULLCRUSHER!!!
Ooh. That's so cool to say...
And, wouldn't you know it, it works just as well on children!
Description- Oh, yeah. This is it. This is what you've been waiting for. This is, the technique made
popular by Blade Runner and Strange Brew. The climactic technique used to vanquish one's enemy in
a terrible and crunchy way. The end-all, be-all of finishing moves in the martial arts. Yes, The
SKULLCRUSHER!!!
Ooh. That's so cool to say...
And, wouldn't you know it, it works just as well on children!
Technique #21: Momma Don't Take No Shit.
Description- We at The Art Of Dan Silver Dot Com encourage people of all ages to participate
in our amazing martial arts program. This includes family, friends and pretty much anybody you
want to be safe. Considering this, I introduce the following technique which, when properly
performed, will seriously fuck up any attacker. To do it simply follow these easy steps:
1- Kick dude in the balls.
2- Pick up the Lysol and clean off your foot because you don't know where those balls have
been.
Then spray his eyes.
Description- We at The Art Of Dan Silver Dot Com encourage people of all ages to participate
in our amazing martial arts program. This includes family, friends and pretty much anybody you
want to be safe. Considering this, I introduce the following technique which, when properly
performed, will seriously fuck up any attacker. To do it simply follow these easy steps:
1- Kick dude in the balls.
2- Pick up the Lysol and clean off your foot because you don't know where those balls have
been.
Then spray his eyes.
Technique #22: Train Hard To Be Hard.
Description- Heh.
Okay, that sounds a little gay but it gets the point across. Don't use pads or mats, don't use
mouth-guards and don't pull your punches. Much like "Suck It Up Bro," this technique is also an
idea, a central theme if you will, to increase your martial prowess exponentially.
Didn't expect me to use "exponentially" didja?
Didn't think so. Thanks for the support fuckers. I went to school and I am capable of using a
dictionary and a tyrannosaurus. Get it? Good.
Anyhow, don't use all that crap. Practice like you play. Get real.
Keep in mind this might only work once.
Description- Heh.
Okay, that sounds a little gay but it gets the point across. Don't use pads or mats, don't use
mouth-guards and don't pull your punches. Much like "Suck It Up Bro," this technique is also an
idea, a central theme if you will, to increase your martial prowess exponentially.
Didn't expect me to use "exponentially" didja?
Didn't think so. Thanks for the support fuckers. I went to school and I am capable of using a
dictionary and a tyrannosaurus. Get it? Good.
Anyhow, don't use all that crap. Practice like you play. Get real.
Keep in mind this might only work once.
Technique #23: Smack A Ballerina.
Description- Why?
Why not?
Dude, you know Ballerinas are self-centered and ego-maniacal retards. They're like the politicians of
the stage. I know they are flexible and hot but it really doesn't compensate for the fact that somebody
has been telling them, for their entire lives, that they are special and talented. That makes for people
who need a good throttling.
I hate the ballet.
Description- Why?
Why not?
Dude, you know Ballerinas are self-centered and ego-maniacal retards. They're like the politicians of
the stage. I know they are flexible and hot but it really doesn't compensate for the fact that somebody
has been telling them, for their entire lives, that they are special and talented. That makes for people
who need a good throttling.
I hate the ballet.
Technique #24: Protect Your Nuts, Wear My Gi.
Description- There's not a single devotee of my martial art that would dare dispute this idea. I
mean, why would you? The nuts are the fleshy, dangly parts that define us as men. So, with that
in mind, I emphasize the extreme importance of scrotal protection and nothing, I mean nothing,
protects like an athletic supporter.
Conversely, I happen to think that most traditional "martial arts outfits" beat around the proverbial
bush, far too much. I propose this:
Buy my gi when you buy my Realistic Training Dummy (TM).
In addition to offering premium crotchal protection, one can wear my gi in most formal and
informal settings, such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, Thanksgiving dinners, etc. Buy enough of them
and you'll do fine with #14. One size fits all. Plus, the stuff slides right off for #12.
Description- There's not a single devotee of my martial art that would dare dispute this idea. I
mean, why would you? The nuts are the fleshy, dangly parts that define us as men. So, with that
in mind, I emphasize the extreme importance of scrotal protection and nothing, I mean nothing,
protects like an athletic supporter.
Conversely, I happen to think that most traditional "martial arts outfits" beat around the proverbial
bush, far too much. I propose this:
Buy my gi when you buy my Realistic Training Dummy (TM).
In addition to offering premium crotchal protection, one can wear my gi in most formal and
informal settings, such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, Thanksgiving dinners, etc. Buy enough of them
and you'll do fine with #14. One size fits all. Plus, the stuff slides right off for #12.
Technique #25: Don't Be Bound By Your Hands.
Description- A prevailing theme in most, if not all, combat is the use of the hands and/or the objects
held in them, as weapons. That said, it can reasonably be assumed that anybody you're about to
engage in combat is well aware you are going to use your hands as a weapon. Therein lies the
secret of this technique. Mix it up.
Get it? Mix it up? Hands?
Anybody?
You, in the back with the hair, okay... Good! You got it. Don't grab shit with your hands.
Experiment with other body parts as weapons. You're getting it....
Kinda.
Anybody got a cell phone?
Description- A prevailing theme in most, if not all, combat is the use of the hands and/or the objects
held in them, as weapons. That said, it can reasonably be assumed that anybody you're about to
engage in combat is well aware you are going to use your hands as a weapon. Therein lies the
secret of this technique. Mix it up.
Get it? Mix it up? Hands?
Anybody?
You, in the back with the hair, okay... Good! You got it. Don't grab shit with your hands.
Experiment with other body parts as weapons. You're getting it....
Kinda.
Anybody got a cell phone?
