With great power comes great responsibility.
Description- This kick has a number of applications. You have to be wearing sneakers to do this move. To do it, stand pretty far away from your opponent. Then, while KEEPING YOUR HANDS DOWN BY YOUR SIDES (that's like, way important) bring your front leg up and, at the top of the movement, flip your foot down quickly in order to snap your shoelaces like a whip. If you do it right, you'll catch your opponent under his finger nails or in his eye with the plastic part at the end of the shoelace. Then you will totally own him.
Description- There's no doubt that this is a highly effective way of subduing an attacker, provided you have a pole on hand and the guy is laying on his face already. For this move we'll go ahead and assume that the shoelace whip kick worked and your attacker has fallen onto his stomach in pain. Now, simply, twist the attacker's arm around in a clockwise manner and insert your long, smooth, hard pole into the crook of his elbow, extending it to the back of his head. Then pull up on your stick until the guy starts screaming. Then, hang out until the guy gives up, I guess.
Description- The Foot Punch is so fucking cool. Nobody ever thinks it's coming until it's too late. To effectively perform this move, face your attacker in a cool Bruce Lee-like fighting stance and make a bunch of "whooo-aaahh" noises like he does in the movies. This should serve to effectively blind and deafen your attacker. Then, suddenly, drop down and punch STRAIGHT DOWN on the guy's foot with your closed fist. Then yell "booyah!" He's gonna be hurting, trust me. Just make sure you hit his foot because he's probably standing on concrete. Don't worry though, you won't miss. I have confidence in you.
Description- Let's face it folks, sometimes fights have to go to the ground. This is the sole point on which I agree with other practitioners of martial arts. Otherwise, they're all full of crap. So let's drill a takedown, shall we? To do this one, get behind your attacker with sufficient distance for a running start. I recommend a minimum of twenty feet. Then, run full speed and drop low behind your attacker. Pick up one leg and put it on your shoulder. Then stand up, as hard as you have ever stood up, and take a couple steps forward. Dude's gonna drop like a backpack full of bricks.
Description- This isn't so much a technique as it is a philosophy. You have to keep your cool when attacked. This drill will help. Stand perfectly still with your relaxed arms by your sides. Have a blank expression. Then let some guy jump-kick you in the throat. Repeat as needed until you stop crying like a little bitch.
Description- There are a few good applications for this move. Among the best of them is when your junior students get mouthy about having to do twenty reps of Technique #5. Have Billy-San grab your sleeve with his (same side) hand. Then, while addressing your other students about different ways to clear Billy-San's grip, punch that fucker right in the mouth. Billy-San is a kiss-ass anyhow.
Description- Armed forms of martial arts are super cool. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is no exception. We have a bunch of cool weapons. Not only are weapons cool but they are totally necessary if you ever want to be taken seriously as a martial artist. Also required in any real martial art is the Kata. For those of you not in the know, Katas are a bunch of martial arts moves (which all suck if I didn't invent them by the way) done in the air, not near an attacker. Katas are way important cuz they make you learn stuff better and look cool as shit. Yeah...
Anyhow, this is a broom Kata. The broom is arguably the most effective weapon available in almost any home. My Kata has two people though so it's twice as good and not like other Katas. To perform it, get another student and two brooms. Then get all fruited up in an orange jumpsuit. Then, clear your mind of all thought and act as though you are sweeping the inside of a big tunnel, up, down, left, right, etc. Finally imagine that sweeping motion bashes the other guy in the head while his back is turned.
Repeat.
Description- Let's be real here folks. Some people carry knives and, sometimes, you're gonna be without a broom to protect yourself. In this situation you're gonna need to have some knife defense skills. Lucky for your formerly unlucky ass I have a shitload of techniques to fit this bill. The first one is Alpha. To perform Stab Defense Alpha, get in really close to a guy who has a really big knife. This is critical now, DON'T EVER LOOK AT THE KNIFE. That's just gonna psyche you out. Just listen for the whistle as the knife cuts through the air on it's way to your neck (or so it thinks). Now, block the knife with your free hand and then smash your other hand into the guy's nose. He'll probably call it quits after that. I would. If not, just keep blocking those knife attacks and hitting the guy in the nose 'till he bleeds enough to pass out. You'll be all good at this point.
Most people with "traditional" martial arts training expect a finger lock here. But, thinking outside "traditional" methods is what makes my style so superior. So, if your attacker throws a punch at you, grab his fingers in mid-flight and spin them around while unfolding your attacker's fist. Then, once the palm of the hand is turned towards you, gather up the biggest ball of nasty phlem you can muster and hack that big yellow bad-boy right on that dude's exposed palm. He'll be so grossed out.
Description- Seriously Bro. Your dork-ass probably needs them. If you aren't really coordinated at all and you wear glasses and can't do too many pushups in a row then make friends with a bunch of black dudes. Nobody messes with a whole bunch of black dudes. People are scared of them and they will be scared of you by association. That's like: SUPERFUCKINGSECRET PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE. And that's fucking cool.
I mean dope.
Description- You really need to buy my SUPERFUCKINGSECRET technique simulation dummy. No other training thing will aid you as much as this. I guarantee instant progress in the universally accepted martial arts principals of "looking badass" and "blocking one of four limbs."
If you'll note, in the image below, that I have enlisted a total pantywaste to practice a few of the techniques I have already explained. Shown is the Stab Defense Alpha. Watch how the single spring-loaded arm is blocked and the realistic black leather face is struck with an open hand. Demolishing and furious power, ain't it? Power that my dummy sucks right up into it's Almost Level TM support legs at the base that ensure Lifelike Movement TM of the dummy. And, that Lifelike Movement TM will frequently become Lifelike Falling Down TM which will begat Lifelike Total Body Workout Picking That Bastard Back Up TM(it weights like 70lbs which is way heavy for your weak-ass).
And did I mention that the dummy is black? That's to get you used to standing up to the black friends you just made after learning technique #10. Sometimes they bully you a little and you gotta regulate.
Description- Dude. Really. Give it a shot. You have no idea how liberating it is to work up a good sweat around so many like-minded and like-bodied guys (meeoww!). Super-homo-fun aside, training nude really reveals nature's best "handles," places that you would never think of grabbing if you had pants on. Just, please...
Shower before and after, kay?
Description- Yeah baby. Photoshop the fuck out of that shit. I mean it, if you are having trouble with your techniques looking like the shaven-kitty goodness that they should, then bust out Photoshop and go to town. Photoshop can hide the fact that you are a fat pile or a long haired, headband wearing hippy dumbass. I like putting a little haziness and aura on my training photo's to make it all mystical. That's how martial arts are supposed to be, full of lightning and a buch of sound effects and crap. Mine is no different.
Description- You can't be a master of combat wearing some sweatshirt you got from Old Navy for like fifteen bucks or whatever. You need an awesome martial arts uniform, a black belt and some cool accessory like a weapon. Oh, and when you are shopping for weapons, get the ones with the two sylable names like 'Kama' or 'Tonfa.' Those are the coolest. 'Sword' and 'Bo' just don't roll off the tongue. Now for the critical part, find a bunch of retards dressed up just like you and train in front of them. You'll totally look like the leader of the group if you aren't retarded, even if you're just some fat slob with a stupid 70's haircut and a dingy beard. Then, make the prettiest retarded girl go out with you. She will, just buy her a puppy and let her name it. Retarded girls eat that crap up.
Description- This one is really effective. You don't want to show all your cards to your opponent, especially if you are playing cards. That's just stupid. Why would you want to do that? You should just give your money away to your opponent because that's what your doing when you show your cards to him. Don't even talk to me about card playing anymore, you are here to learn and your pissing me off now. Where was I?
Oh yeah, SUPERFUCKINGBLAHBLAH okay now I remember. So, keep them guessing. Don't 'bob' or 'weave' or any of that malarkey. Here's what you do. Get a whole bunch of dudes dressed up in cool karate uniforms. Then, have a bunch of stuff laying around that you could break like boards and bricks and shit. Throw some cool props in there too. Then, all at once,
EVERYBODY DO SOMETHING!
It doesn't matter what. Just make it up. Use some of the stuff laying around. If you're at a loss for what to do just refer to some of my earlier techniques. If you don't know what your doing, don't worry, the audience doesn't either.
Description- You ever heard the old saying "if you've got it, flaunt it." This is the same thing only with punches and kicks thrown in the mix. Easy right?
Wrong!
How dare you assume that any of this is easy. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is by its very nature really hard. Know why?
No you don't!
But I'll tell you. SUPERFUCKINGSECRET is really hard because I invented it and I'm better than you.
Don't act like you knew that...
But you better know that.
Oh, you're sorry? That isn't good enough. Learn this technique and then worry about repairing the rift growing between student (your sorry ass) and sensei (moi). Here's how you do it. If you're a dude, wear loose fitting shorts and do a lot of stretching. When your opponent comes at you, kick up really high and let the fruitbowl out in all it's glory. I promise you that, even though your opponent won't want to look, he will anyways. You can't not look. It's like when you get mooned and the guy bends over way too far and you see the hairy grossness. You still look because you are a human and curious. After he looks, punch his face really hard.
If your a girl just lift your top up and let the puppies out. Nobody would hurt a puppy. Go ahead and give that one a shot now, I'll get the camera so we can take notes.
Description- Look man, some people are hopeless. I mean that some people simply don't have what it takes to be a SUPERFUCKINGSECRET martial artist supreme. That's okay. This system isn't for everybody. It's a fact.
So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...
Chicks aren't really all that impressed by incredible martial arts moves. However, chicks are totally impressed by super cool dance moves. Really.
Think about how many people loved Elvis when he was young and doing that hip shakin' thing. Now think about how many people loved him when he was doing that weird karate kick stuff on that equally weird round stage wearing that extremely weird white jumpsuit. Not many right?
So if you are struggling with my moves give this a try: Learn to dance like a motherfucker. You'll thank me. You should.
By the way, looking a hell of alot like Freddy Mercury couldn't hurt either.
Description- Once again, philosophy appears in my deadly system of martial skills. Being one with the inner self will help coordinate the exterior self. That is the foundation to many aspects of life, not just my martial art. If time has taught us anything, it's that unrelenting, unquestioning belief is always beneficial to everything always... forever.
Yeah huh! Totally, don't believe me? What about the Jonestown cult? They got to drink Koolaide and that crap is pretty good. Still not convinced? Heaven's Gate. "Do" and his wacky crew, apparently, are all now riding around on a spaceship disguised as the Hale Bop comet. I bet they're all laughing at us now as they surround themselves with space-ass and space-booze.
So believe in what people tell you. If you do, you will be rewarded with victory...
Unless you do Aikido, that crap is total bullshit.
Description- You need to listen carefully here because it is important. You cannot tell anybody about this technique... who you may attempt to, one day, stab with a sword.
Got it? Good. That's paramount.
There are a bunch of good reasons why you may want to stab somebody with a sword. They could have killed your father, they could have raped your mother, they could have had consensual, and non-violent sex with your wife. They could have bent your comics.
Or they could be such dorks that they are too dangerous to let live.
So, think like your enemy. Get a sword. Get a stupid outfit that makes you look like a gay-pirate. Adopt a really terrible Cockney accent. Pretend like you know what Mead tasted like before some creepy guy with a beard gave you some in a canvas tent one day. Deny the fact that, despite what all the people around you protest, you are profoundly un-fuckable to any girl who isn't a fat pig hidden under an over-taxed corset.
Then stab that fucker and get the hell out of that dork-ass Renaisance Fair to someplace where the women shower.
Description- Oh, yeah. This is it. This is what you've been waiting for. This is, the technique made popular by Blade Runner and Strange Brew. The climactic technique used to vanquish one's enemy in a terrible and crunchy way. The end-all, be-all of finishing moves in the martial arts. Yes, The SKULLCRUSHER!!!
Ooh. That's so cool to say...
And, wouldn't you know it, it works just as well on children!
Description- We at The Art Of Dan Silver Dot Com encourage people of all ages to participate in our amazing martial arts program. This includes family, friends and pretty much anybody you want to be safe. Considering this, I introduce the following technique which, when properly performed, will seriously fuck up any attacker. To do it simply follow these easy steps:
1- Kick dude in the balls.
2- Pick up the Lysol and clean off your foot because you don't know where those balls have been.
Then spray his eyes.
Description- Heh.
Okay, that sounds a little gay but it gets the point across. Don't use pads or mats, don't use mouth-guards and don't pull your punches. Much like "Suck It Up Bro," this technique is also an idea, a central theme if you will, to increase your martial prowess exponentially.
Didn't expect me to use "exponentially" didja?
Didn't think so. Thanks for the support fuckers. I went to school and I am capable of using a dictionary and a tyrannosaurus. Get it? Good.
Anyhow, don't use all that crap. Practice like you play. Get real.
Keep in mind this might only work once.
Description- Why?
Why not?
Dude, you know Ballerinas are self-centered and ego-maniacal retards. They're like the politicians of the stage. I know they are flexible and hot but it really doesn't compensate for the fact that somebody has been telling them, for their entire lives, that they are special and talented. That makes for people who need a good throttling.
I hate the ballet.
Description- There's not a single devotee of my martial art that would dare dispute this idea. I mean, why would you? The nuts are the fleshy, dangly parts that define us as men. So, with that in mind, I emphasize the extreme importance of scrotal protection and nothing, I mean nothing, protects like an athletic supporter.
Converseley, I happen to think that most traditional "martial arts outfits" beat around the proverbial bush, far too much. I propose this:
Buy my Gi when you buy my Realistic Training Dummy (TM).
In addition to offering premium crotchal protection, one can wear my Gi in most formal and informal settings, such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, Thanksgiving dinners, etc. Buy enough of them and you'll do fine with #14. One size fits all. Plus, the shit slides right off for #12.
Description- A prevailing theme in most, if not all, combat is the use of the hands and/or the objects held in them, as weapons. That said, it can reasonably be assumed that anybody you're about to engage in combat is well aware you are going to use your hands as a weapon. Therein lies the secret of this technique. Mix it up.
Get it? Mix it up? Hands?
Anybody?
You, in the back with the hair, okay... Good! You got it. Don't grab shit with your hands. Experiment with other body parts as weapons. You're getting it....
Kinda.
Anybody got a cell phone?
