Let's see, we've got Applebees, Chili's, TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, Denny's, The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, Red Lobster, Hooters, The Outback Steakhouse, Sizzler, Bennigan's and countless others, depending on where you live in the US. On a daily basis, and in every town across America, one can find some sort of soul-sucking "family dining" chain-restaurant that wants your money in exchange for shitty food made (and served) by angry employees who really would love to watch you choke. Go to one some time and see what I'm talking about. What, you never heard of such a place? Lucky for you, I've researched this topic extensively and I've found some common traits to aid you in identifying and avoiding these places. They are as follows:
1- The menu has numerous pages which are coated in plastic and have many pictures on them.
2- There's a bunch of stupid crap all over the walls.
3- The bathrooms are disgusting and devoid of paper towels.
4- The kitchen staff is predominately Latin (nothing new there, they're good cooks) but they are portrayed in the advertisements as marginally attractive white women.
5- The wait-staff is all wearing some sort of outfit that is not a white shirt and black pants.
6- Flair!
7- They offer you things you didn't order ("Great, would you guys like some deep-fried, cheddar-jalapeno, potato-poppers to start with? You would? Super! Can I bring out some ranch dipping sauce?").
8- Triple corporate tie-ins in one dish (i.e.- Oreo Hershey Hagan-Daaz Marshmallow Ice-Cream Pudding Cake).
9- When it's your birthday you get a slice of number eight and are surrounded by number fives who make a public spectacle of you. Afterwards, nobody offers you a pistol with a single chambered round to accomplish the one act which will restore your tarnished honor.
10- You tip the bartender more than fifty cents and he looks at you like you just decided to show him your supermodel friend's landing strip.
Look, I'm no culinary maverick but I do at least appreciate not eating mediocre slop for three meals a day. I'm not implying that you need to have every meal at the French Laundry or Gary Danko. In fact, I've never been to either of those places but I plan on going some day, just as soon as I figure out how to make a reservation.
I'm not implying that corporations have no place in running restaurants. Hell, I like In-N-Out as much as the next guy, Ruth's Chris makes a fine steak, and I'm not adverse to the idea of going to Benihana (though I question the authenticity of the concept). I'm simply saying that, if you live in a town with a population greater than 1000 people, there are probably better options out there. Trust me.
It's my thought that laziness and apathy drive people to these places in an effort to simply "get it over with and shut the brats up." I'm willing to acquiesce that having to drag dirty and screaming children to a restaurant is no easy or thrilling task. I will note, however, that always taking children to these joints instills in them the same sense of mediocrity and the same questionable ideas of nutrition that led to the popularity of these restaurants in the first place. One could reason that laziness and apathy begat laziness and apathy.
But whatever, eat where you want. Go to Hooters, have some shitty hot-wings dished out by some woman who would love to spear your urethra with barbed wire; watch some overpaid morons whine about "the game" on Sportscenter and enjoy your symbolic and financial contributions to the "Big Johnson" t-shirt, date rape and corporate-death-eatery industries. The coronary surgeons, correctional officers and sit-com producers of the world thank you for the job insurance. |