Rontardation #10 - The Secret
I've got a secret. If I come up with a "feel good" message that motivates everyone to be the best and promises to
get you rich without the slightest effort on your part, and market it right, I'll be rich. Too bad, some genius came
up with "The Laws of Attraction," a.k.a., "The Secret," because I could have totally used that idea to be richer
than Oprah. So, let's take a look at this "Secret" and see why itâ's the biggest lump of bullshit to come down the
self-help pike since Anthony Robbins and his unnaturally large teeth.
For those of you without a TV, The Secret "has existed throughout the history of humankind. It has been
discovered, coveted, suppressed, hidden, lost and recovered. It has been hunted down, stolen, and bought for
vast sums of money." Sounds impressive, huh? That's not all (also sprach Ron Propiel). The Secret was
discovered by some of history's greatest minds. People like Plato, Leonardo, Galileo, Napoleon, Hugo,
Beethoven, Lincoln, Edison, Einstein, and Carnegie all mastered The Secret. No word on how much they paid;
how long they hunted; how they coveted; how they recovered; how they stole; or, how they suppressed it. Just
take it from the authors, they had it, knew it, and used it. Otherwise, we'd just think I named the starting lineup
for Aston Villa in their upcoming match versus Wigan Athletic (sorry, gratuitous English football reference).
The Secret is imparted to you by some of "today's greatest teachers." People like Morris Goodman (who
apparently cured his paralysis using the secret), Dr. Denis Waitley, Bob Proctor, Joe Vitale, and James Ray (not
to be confused with James Earl Ray, who was a very bad man, not a great teacher). I don't know who any of
these guys are, but the website says they're great, so who am I to disagree? Suffice to say, the "teachers" are
authors, self-help gurus, psychologists, and 'feng shui consultants. I ain't making this shit up folks, just copying it
from the website. All will tell you of the amazing power of "The Secret" and how it will transform your life
immediately. If this is true, we should have a whole bunch of millionaires running around very soon.
Of course, this load of steaming horseflop is not true. The authors of The Secret parade a bunch of people with
amazing stories like curing cancer, getting rich, finding love, overcoming paralysis, and inventing some gizmo just
to prove their point. Of course, most of the stories can't be verified, like the curing cancer story. That one was
"outed" on Nightline last week. One of their "teachers" is the same doofus who brought us Chicken Soup for the
Soul, Jack Canfield (side note: my district made us sit through a "motivational speaker" who wrote essays for
that book. . .I'll never get those two hours back and I'm still pissed. . .the jerk-off told some obviously made up
story about a "little crippled boy" who picked out a puppy that had three legs because it was just like him or some
crap like that) (other side note: Dan and I discussed my idea of writing the antithesis of Chicken Soup . . .he
suggested the title, Chicken Soup for My Balls. . .catchy, yes?), a guy whose entire career is based on making
people with little or no self-esteem feel like a million bucks. Can't fault them for that, he charges, and gets, $179
for his latest self-help DVD set. Like I said, I got to get in on this shit.
If you read the Nightline piece (or saw it, personally I was asleep) you already know what The Secret is; the
power of positive thinking.
OK, call me skeptical, but aren't the "authors" and "teachers" ignoring a big chunk of history here when they want
to convince us that thinking positively got it done for these guys? Take Galileo for one. Sure, we all know him
for his revolutionary ideas of planetary movement and more famously for being one of the first to proclaim the
earth was not the center of the universe. Having done so, he was promptly summoned by the pope to denounce
his heresy and placed under house arrest until he finally came out and said, in effect, "My bad." Think The
Secret was helping him then? Was he keeping those positive thoughts going? Was he emitting a positive
electro-magnetic pulse that told the pope, "Hey, I'm a heretic; lock my crazy ass up?" No, I don't think so either. I
also think the same is true for Napoleon (died in exile), Beethoven (died heartbroken and deaf -- never heard his
last symphony), Lincoln (assassinated), and Leonardo (had to hide coded messages in his paintings and
sculptures or risk losing his comfy patronage). I think they were all great thinkers who had a passion for what
they did. They had vision and never let go of it. They didn't go around thinking bright and cheery thoughts
hoping their collective ships would come in. Hell, some of these famous figures died before their ideas could be
recognized as brilliant. I bet you Van Gogh didn't know The Secret.
Look, I know the real Secret; come up with a "feel good" message, be charismatic, flim-flam Oprah into pitching it
by using neato graphics and very serious sounding music, and you get rich. That's it. Tell people how they can
make something of their useless existence; give them false hope that if they start believing they will win the
lottery, then they will actually win the lottery. Fuel their desire for instant gratification with ideas that have
nothing to do with drive, determination, or hard work. Give cancer patients false hope for recovery just by
thinking themselves cancer-free (that one got the authors in deep shit with the American Cancer Society as they
could not back up the claims of curing cancer without medical treatment). Charge a bunch for the DVD's, and
$4.95 per viewing for updates and "lessons." It's all a big scam and it never fails to hook in the weak, the poor,
and the lazy.
Look, I worked in the business world for a few years and had to put up with these "motivational speaker" types all
the time. We had to read The One-Minute Manager, and see Tom Peters videos. We were herded into
seminars and pep rallies where we were made to feel good about our meaningless tasks and how working for
the greater good of the company meant success for us all. The continual pounding of the drum was only slightly
drowned out by the "You Can Do It!" mantra of these charlatans. I remember working for Safeco Insurance back
in 1990 and being brought into a room with several other employees to watch a Tom Peters video (he held the
ultimate secret of success at the time). Halfway through the tape, I started snickering at the message. One of
my managers then asked me what was so funny. I told her that here we are listening to this guy's message of
self-determination, yet we were expected to go back to our cubicles and be dutiful underwriters and adjusters.
She was not amused and said something to the effect of, "We want you to be successful within our system." I'm
sure she had to have her software rebooted shortly after that exchange.
The point is this; there's always going to be someone out there getting rich off of poor slobs who need to change
their dirty diapers, put powder on their bums and tell them its special. With "The Secret," those someones have
joined forces, made DVD's, are giving weekly internet teleconferences, going on "Oprah," talking to Dr. Phil,
telling us how to invest, how we should dress, making us listen to New Age jazz, and turning the populace into
one giant blob of pantywastes. Ask yourself this; if this "Secret" horseshit works so well and is guaranteed to
produce wealth, then why aren't there scads of beautiful rich people running around instead of the herds of
toothless dumbfucks populating the finer motels and RV parks across our great nation? Some product they've
got there.
I can't wait to see what's next.