A Letter to Me, Rudie - #16
March 12, 2008
The ArtofDanSilver.com, Inc.
San Francisco, CA
Attn: Daniel Silver, President and C.E.O.
Dear Mr. Silver:
I hope this letter finds you well. You know, I never quite understood that phrase, but it appears at most of the
bullshit letters I get, so you get it too.
Why the letter, you ask? Well, several reasons actually. First, I would appreciate some sort of "heads up" on the
whole writers' strike thing. By the time I finally got word that the strike was over, so many months had elapsed I
forgot I was a writer. An ironic fact not lost on the readers of this site. So, I apologize for the inexcusable chasm of
time between my musings, but it wasn't my fault. Blame my agent.
The most important reason for writing you today is to regretfully inform you that I will not be attending the annual
meeting of the artofdansilver.com shareholders. Yes, disappointing I know. But if you remember last year's drunken
escapades, including the unfortunate defiling of several innocent decorative animals and foreign exchange
students, I think you'll agree my absence is for the best. Send my best wishes to the shareholders (assure them my
writing will get back to its prodigious volume) and my apologies to Kyroshi and the rest of the girls from the Okinawa
School of Interweb Business and Dog Grooming. Oh my head.
The next reason for this letter is to fill you in on what I've been doing for the past few months while I haven't been
writing. First and foremost, I've actually been busy doing things that pay me money. More accurately, they should
pay me money someday. I'll explain. See I've been doing the whole lawyer thing lately and it's taken a shitload of
my time. Writing motions, letters, responses to motions, interrogatories, reading responses to motions, scheduling
depositions, and writing some more. If that explanation bores you, think of what doing it has done to me. Actually,
it's not as bad as it sounds, but it's no picnic either. Hopefully once this case concludes, I'll get paid a bunch of
money. Of course, it could get all fucked up and I make nothing. Yay, law. On the other hand, I've also been
writing several small articles for various web sites to generate Google hits and get me more clients. The guy I work
with tells me that if I include lots of "key words" that match the "algorithm" Google uses, we can get a bunch of hits
and end up as the first site that pops up in a search.
I have no idea what I just wrote. Google hits? Key words? Algorithm? Jesus Tap-dancing Christ. What the hell
have I landed my fat ass into? I just know that the next sound I hear at my front door will be that dude from "To
Catch a Predator" asking me to sit down and talk about why I was chatting on-line with a girl who says she'd love for
me to be her first anal experience. I swear, I never chatted under the name, "Client 9." Instead, I've been taking
articles already on line, rewriting them for our purposes, and posting them in blogs (Kreeeeistalmighty, there's that
worldwide netweb shit again). In actuality, I'll probably get sued for copyright infringement any day now.
Moving on. Another reason for the delay in writing anything interesting (again, there's that irony) was my choice of
diversions while the real writers were on strike. Since I couldn't watch my beloved TV, I had to turn to my
computer. Problem there is I have a limited attention span and limited patience when it comes to finding anything
good on the interdweb. That's right, I was stuck on porn. Oh God how I was stuck. See, I hate reality TV because
it's the exact opposite of what it purports to be; real. All the "reality" shows are scripted (poorly) and feature actors
who couldn't get work on real shows. If I wanted to see bad actors doing things that were supposed to look real, I
watch porn. Oh wait. . .yeah, I found a lot of time to watch. I was led to the best of the free porn sites, redtube.
com. Beats the hell out of youporn.com. Youporn is loaded with Eurotrash amateur videos; most bad. They also
have a bunch of that sick Japanese Hentai crap where all the girls have huge tits, bulbous asses, and grow penises
when aroused by another girl (I know most of what I write is fiction, but I actually saw that one. . . fucked up shit). In
other words, they are the exact opposite of real Japanese women. No, redtube has high quality, professional porn
with real porn actresses acting badly just before they take off their clothes to reveal: a) they don't wear underwear,
and; b) they have great bodies (some with only a hint of tattooing). Life has been bearable with this recent
discovery.
Another distraction that has virtually roadblocked my writing is my exercise Renaissance. I bought a heavy ball with
a handle. Some call these "kettlebells" which sounds ghey. I call them what they look like, "handleballs." I now
have three with plans to buy two more (once that big law money rolls in bitches). They're like crack. I swing them;
snatch them (dude, snatch); clean and press them; squat with them; throw them; and just carry them around.
They're really fun. I like using them and I even started posting a training log about what I do with them. Again,
ghey, I know. Can't help it. I hate going to the gym now, especially with all the fucktards who hang out there.
Instead I go to the park or the local community college and have at it. I bought a thing called a "Gymboss," which is
just a fancy timer, to time my intervals and go to it. Sonofabitch if it ain’t a kick to do this. Of course, it doesn't stop
there. I bought some rings and new stretch bands and use them in the park as well. I've turned into a bona fide
internet exercise geek. I hate myself on the inside, but love the fun I'm having with all this shit I bought. I can do
everything during my conference periods at the day job and still get back to be depressed by the complete lack of
motivation in today's junior high kids.
That's another thing that has prevented the world from reading my awesomeness; this teaching gig. I'm in my 18th
year and you'd think I got this shit down by now. Nooooo. I decide to join up with a bunch of other teachers and we
study how we can be more effective and raise our test scores. Yes, it is as exciting as it sounds. We found out that
a lot of our colleagues really suck at their job and wouldn't admit it no matter how much waterboarding you
subjected them to. So we have to find a nicey-nice way to break the news to these retards. Worse than that, we
have to convince them that I am a model, exemplary teacher worthy of their admiration. It's a tall order and takes
most of my time. I've had a fucker of a time just trying to convince my students that I'm worthy of their attention;
convincing adults should be a piece of cake. Cake with shit frosting. I've always said that teaching would be the
best job in the world if it weren't for the kids. Now, it may be the other teachers that make teaching the professional
equivalent of a colonoscopy without the lube and sedatives. I'm sure you don't have these problems working for a
big city public service agency where everyone is professional and concerned aboutdoing the best job possible.
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'll try to write something witty soon, although I wouldn't hold my breath. If I
can find something someone else has written on the intraworldnet and switch a few words, it would certainly save
me some time.
Best regards to you and your comic book collection.
Your faithful scribe,
Ron