| Ron Writes Stuff #4- Thoughts on the return to school; A Back to School Primer Sitting in the waning moments of a warm summer day, my thoughts turn to my children returning to their respective schools and resuming their educational pursuits. In other words, I can stop being Mr. Mom and get my life back. So, to help those parents who always seem so beleaguered right around Labor Day, I offer the following bits of wisdom. Remember, I am a professional. What I say here is true and comes from years of experience. If you came across this bit of wisdom because you were tracking your child's Internet activity, lucky you; now read on. School Supplies As everyone knows, the public schools are woefully under equipped to handle your child's educational needs. We cannot, and will not, supply your precious little toddler with paper, pencils, pens, erasers, Liquid Paper (invented by Mike Nesmith's mom; he was in the Monkees you know), binders, folders, paper clips, staples, diapers, or anything else he or she may need to get though the average school day. This is why you, you cheap bastard, must go to Target and buy as much paper as you can get in the shopping cart; buy as many pencils as Einstein needed to come up with one of his astounding theories; buy enough pens to rewrite the Magna Carta in five languages. That's just about all he or she will need. Oh sure, some asshole teacher will demand a certain type of binder or a set of 3x5 note cards (I know, I am that asshole). Just get in the car, or hop on the bus, and get some. Is it really too much to ask? I didn't think so. While we're on the subject of what you'll need to get the little darlings, let's just quickly examine what they don't need: Sharpies. See, kids use Sharpies for one thing and one thing only; to write on walls. "Oh," say you, parent of the perfect child, "my petite flower would never dream of defacing a wall of his school." Guess again, clueless. Your little monster spends all day trading "tags" and practicing his best Old English style writing so he can be the next great Hip Hop artist. He even has his tag name all picked out, "Roofus." Or is it "Doofus?" I forget. Come on, you were spying on his internet use, didn't you see it? Well, the minute they tell you they "need" 10 Sharpies in various colors and sizes for their art class, you know they're lying. It's the first of many lies you will be, or have been told. That's why I'm here. Bottom line; no permanent ink markers- unless you, yourself are a gang member and need Junior to represent on your turf. School Clothes Here's a tip; get your kid in a school that has uniforms. There's plenty of public schools out there with a uniform dress code, find one. Talk about headache relief; they'll have a shirt and a type of pant assigned to them. Nothing could be easier. For those of you who think uniforms strip students of their freedom and take away their individuality, you're right and it's a beautiful thing. (More on individuality below.) If you value a child's individuality and freedom, you're probably also a huge pothead and a total wuss; read on. Schools have dress codes. Some strict (see uniform), some not so strict. They all exist for a reason; to protect your child from becoming a trashy, gangsta wannabe. Sure, we tell the parents that we want to protect the kids and keep them from getting mistaken for being a real gangsta, and thus getting shot. That doesn't keep you idiot parents from buying your kids Dickies that are three sizes too big, a complete set of "wife-beaters," and three sets of Chuck Taylors color matched to the bandana they tuck in their back pocket. (Side note; I dearly love Chucks- I hate what your little pinheads have done to the reputation of the original Chuck Taylor All Star shoe. . .R.I.P.) Your child is better served with something sensible and cheaper. I see kids going to school wearing Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant replica jerseys at $120 a pop. So, where is the money for food and rent coming from this month? Then, the parents come in and get all pissed off when said replica jersey is stolen during P.E. Gee imagine that, someone wanting to steal a really expensive piece of clothing. It happens. Don't be that parent; shop Wal-Mart, or Target, or Mervyn's, or the thrift store. Stay away from Sports Authority. If it costs more than your food allowance for the week, the little shit doesn't need it. Tell them to suck it up. Oh, and while Iâ'm at it; ask you kid why he must wear a shirt five sizes larger than his frame. Criminals wear large bulky clothing to hide weapons and to make it easier for police to catch them in foot pursuits. Why does your kid wear those big shirts and hyoooge pants? As another side note, let me tell you about how horrific back-to-school shopping can be and how spoiled your little shits are. One year, my mom was busy doing something (she was newly single, you connect the dots) and left the task of shopping for back-to-school clothes to my grandma. Mamaw, as we called her, was born and raised in Texas and never won any awards for mother of the year. In other words, my brother and I were in good hands. Anyway, she takes us to the local discount shopping emporium; a magical place called Zody's. This must have been Labor Day weekend because by the time we got there, any and all of the "cool" clothes were gone and what was left was strewn across the floors of the store. We ended up spending a grand total of 20 minutes in the store (seemed like hours) buying two shirts and two pairs of pants each. Being the "husky" boy I was, I ended up with a hideous pair of pants sporting stripes of various nauseating colors that threatened to erase any evidence of puberty from my body by separating me from my balls. The shirts were button-ups of the same styling. My brother got two pairs of jeans and two T-shirts that said "Keep on Trucking" or some shit. So, don't piss and moan about shopping for your kids to me. I went to fucking Zody's with my grandma. Pussies. Bottom line: avoid all Hip Hop and "gangsta" fashions unless you want your kid to be the next headline on the evening news and you can be the next parent crying into the cameras saying, "He never joined no gang or nothing. How could they do this?" Oh, and if your kid wears a baseball cap sideways, he or she is a total waste of sperm. Homework Now for the next lie your child will be telling you: "I don't have homework." Bullshit. Every kid in every school has homework every night. It's as inevitable as your 13 year old son jerking off to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition (not that I ever did that). It's as likely as your daughter begging to get her tongue pierced so she can be different, like all the other girls. It happens and it happens every fucking night. Now I will tell you that as a teacher, I do not assign homework every night (I also cuss, get over it). That does not mean your kid's other six teachers have also forgone assigning something; if he or she has a math class, he or she has homework. Do your kid a favor and don't believe what they say; check for yourself. I go to parent conferences every year where the parent will ask us if we assign homework and where we will invariably answer, "Yes." The parent then gives the kid this incredulous look as to say, "Why Johnny, you said you never have homework and now you're failing all of your classes." I always leave these conferences asking the same question: "Just who was the fucking adult in that family?" Success starts at home, not the classroom. Don't believe the lies and use your eyes (great, now I'm rhyming like some sort of Johnny Cochran clone - only paler). Your kid might actually pass the big bad high school exit exam one day because of your efforts. Bottom line: Just because you were "never good with homework," doesn't mean Junior has to follow in your pathetic footsteps. Physical Education Remember when you were a kid and you had to go and dress in front of everyone for P.E.? Remember having to shower after each class and the coach would check to see if you exchanged a dirty towel for a clean one? Remember doing things like swimming, wrestling, and gymnastics as part of the P.E. curriculum? Well, those days are long over. Kids today are pampered in P.E. compared to what you probably did as a kid. So why is it you are writing excuses and getting doctor's notes for some trumped up "illness" excusing your precious flower from the rigors of modern P.E.? Are you afraid he or she will be traumatized for life because kickball is too strenuous? Afraid volleyball will scar his or her psyche in a way that will turn Johnny or Jane into a raging serial killer leaving his or her victims with an imprint of "Mikasa" on their foreheads? (Mikasa is a well known maker of volleyballs. . .I hate myself for having to point this out to you) Get over it. What kills me is the fact most of the parents excusing, or at least seeking the excuse, their kids from P.E. are fat bastards themselves. Were they ridiculed as a fat lazy child? Probably. So, let's spare poor, fat, Junior the same indignity. Listen pussy, I was a fat lazy kid and my mother never excused me from P.E. She just kept feeding me, hoping one day I'd grow into my weight. (Interesting aside; for as big as I was, she wouldn't let me play football- a sport that probably would have shaped my fat ass up 10 years sooner than it happened) I swam; I wrestled (badly); I did fucking gymnastics; all as a kid pushing 250 all throughout high school. Junior high wasn't a fucking picnic either. I was about two-bills then, didn't start puberty until well after my 13th birthday (fat, pink, hairless: The Trifecta for attracting bullies), and had to shower everyday. It built character as well as a few personality traits I'd like to lose. Point is, P.E. will help, not hinder your child. Don't let them grow up to be like you; pathetically trying to lose 20 years worth of a beer belly by pumping out 30 minute sessions on the elliptical trainer and rewarding yourself with a low-fat frozen yogurt. (Actual conversation I overheard last night: One guy telling another-who was on the elliptical-that his waistline has stayed the same recently, but he's gained weight. He suspected he was adding muscle and thought he should get back on the elliptical to lose some pounds. "Yes," I thought, "the last thing anyone wants on his body is muscle." People are idiots) Bottom Line: It's P.E., not the Hanoi Hilton. Little Johnny can run the mile. The state standard for completing the mile is 12 minutes. No shit, 12 minutes. Yes, we can walk a mile in that time, so back away from the "please excuse my son from P.E." note. Classroom Etiquette The teaching profession has taken a beating, sometimes deserved, in the past few years. Journalists, politicians, and parents have blamed the modern educational system, especially teachers, for most of society's ills and it doesn't look like the trend is going to slow down anytime soon. The best part of this is that lack of respect has trickled down to our youth. 12 and 13 year old students come into my class speaking as if they are merchant marines recently furloughed and in the first seedy, sea-side bar they could find. Remember George Carlin? The guy with the seven words you couldn't say on T.V.? His words; shit, piss, fuck, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker, and tits were taboo on T.V., radio, and in polite company. (Update: piss and shit are no longer banned, I guess) This meant school as well. So, when I get a kid using these words in my class, I expect the parent to be a little upset if I call them and let them know. Most of the time, the parent is upset; upset that I called and woke them from his or her nap or interrupted Morey, or Jerry, or Montel. As for the language? "Oh, yeah, I'll talk to him. Tell him to serve his detention. Oh, wait; can he serve the detention tomorrow? He has a doctor's appointment today to check his asthma so he can get out of P.E." That's about the gist of the conversations I have. Another point of etiquette would be to not lie so much. Kids are horrible liars. I know because they repeat the lies I've already heard about a thousand times before. "I got lost;" "I forgot;" "I gave it to my friend;" "It wasn't me." They are all classics and they get repeated over and over. I had a kid tell me the truth once. Kid comes in to class about five minutes late. I asked him where he was. He says, with a straight face, "I was going to ditch, then changed my mind." I asked why he changed his mind. His reply: "I saw teachers at the 7-11, so I turned around." I told him to sit down and did not give him a detention. Others were aghast. One kid tried to pull the same thing. I gave him two detentions for lack of originality. Told you, I'm an asshole. Bottom line: Clean up your kid's potty mouth while at school or I will, and tell them to quit lying. I will find the truth if it takes me all day. Conclusion It's funny that school starts each year in the fall not spring. See, spring is a time of renewal and rebirth; whereas, fall is a time when things start to die and the world gets ugly. See, parents are overjoyed that school is starting and the kids will no longer be underfoot (and it will be safe for Dan to go on vacation to Hawaii once again- R.N.). A rebirth of happiness, if you will. Students, on the other hand, see it as a time when all of their happiness dies and the world gets ugly once more. Take these tips as your little gift from me to ease your way this September. |