Ronpronrant #18- What's Wrong With Pron

First, let’s dispense with the formalities.  I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, but you have to admit the last
time was brilliant.  So what if I take a few months to come up with another essay.  You have to figure this one will be
just as dazzling as the last literary foray.  Don’t believe me?  Keep reading.

As the new year dawns and we are days away from a new regime in Washington, I feel it’s time to focus our
attention on what’s really wrong with our country, nay the world, at this very moment and likely for some time to
come.  That’s right; we need to address the crisis in the world of Internet porn.

I hope you didn’t think I was going to talk about the economy or Iraq or some shit like that.  Look, I’m probably
smarter than the next guy (as long as the next guy didn’t go to a real college or is Steven Fucking Hawking), but I’m
not even remotely qualified to address those issues.  I am uniquely qualified to speak of heinous sex acts recorded
and uploaded for our pleasure; so I will.

Internet porn (or pron as it is called by several W.O.W players.  .  . those douchebags also type “teh” instead of
“the” and often use the term, “pwned”) is in a state of disrepair.  Yes, there are still plenty of free porn sites where
one can easily view a segment from a longer movie for hours on end.  Yes, there are still plenty of videos of regular
sex acts available for our viewing pleasure.  Yes, there are even segments from “high-end” porn videos featuring
names we’ve all come to know and love available 24 hours a day; seven
days a week.  If this is all true, then you’re probably asking yourself, “What’s up this guy’s ass anyway?”  
Appropriate question, I daresay.

See, there are two very large problems with Internet porn today:  Methamphetamines and Russians.  I’ll address
each one.

First, methamphetamines, or “meth.”  As anyone can tell you, especially the fine purveyor of this website, meth is a
plague claiming fine young people at a rate that makes the ebola virus look like a common head cold.  So what’s
meth got to do with our fine porn industry?  Plenty.  See, otherwise pretty young girls who once were told they had a
future in modeling were also told they needed to lose about 10-15 pounds to really look good.  Since most young
girls would rather cut off their right arm than diet and exercise, they looked for short cuts.  After trying Hydroxicut
and a thousand other “weight loss formulas,” our sweet young lasses turned to meth.

It’s likely that some scumbag porn producer (read: some Dominican living in South Florida who produces “amateur”
porn and sells meth on the side) tells a typical beauty that he has the secret to her weight loss and can get her work
at the same time.  So he gets her tweeked . . .about a hundred times and takes some cheesy boudoirs pics of her in
lingerie, and asks her if she’d like to make some “real money.”  She asks what she has to do, he says something
about “nudity” and “good taste,” she balks, he says she has to start paying for her meth, she freaks out fearing
instant weight gain and says, “OK.”  Next thing you know, she’s making her first “White Meat on Black Street”
video.  Repeat this story about 10,000 times and you have a crisis.

Now all anyone can see at his (or her?) favorite free porn site are endless streams of skinny white trash girls doing
DP, ATM, TP, and something that can only be described as a circus act with some dude whose Johnson is as big
as my arm and shoots gallons of white fluid when excited.  It’s enough to keep me from looking. . .almost.  
(for those of you not up on the pornworld’s terms, DP is double penetration; TP is triple penetration; ATM is the
famous “Ass to Mouth” act which is particularly seamy and usually one of the last resorts of a desperate “porn
star”)  These emaciated, tattooed, mindless zombies are everywhere.  They do anything, anytime, in any condition
and it shows.  Worst of all, they’ve made their way into the most holy of all porn domains: the
realm of the lesbian.

I love lesbian porn.  Probably because I’m really homophobic or insecure with my own manhood, but hell, when I’m
watching lovely young nekkid chicks, I don’t want some dude’s junk flopping all over the women.   That’s all been
ruined with the flood of skinny, zombie-eyed, inked-up, liking each other’s private parts and exploring their orifices
with various rubber penis replicates.  I pine for the “good ol’ days” when semi-full figured ladies would seek to
pleasure each other, even though their private areas resembled the dense forests of the Northwest.  Damn that
meth.

Now, on the Russians.  Russia is good for three things:  gangsters, vodka, and loads of bad porn.  Russia has
become the China of porn.  China produces more of everything, including people.  Russia, once it figured out it
couldn’t produce good quality porn, went for quantity.  Don’t believe me?  Just go to any free porn site and read the
descriptions (by the way, can’t find a free porn site?  Are you kidding me?  Have you heard of
the interwebs?).  I love the way the Russians try to replicate English; “Lovely Svetlana Makes Blow Job With Big
Kock.”  Or, “Martina Like 3 Way With Many Lovers.” Fucktards.

Another reason to blame the Russians for the downfall of all that is glorious in porn is the vast number of ugly
women they seem to find to put in their videos.  Apparently many of the women of Russia cannot afford basic dental
coverage.  Not that they’re paid to smile or anything, but if I was unfortunate enough to receive oral gratification
from one of these snaggle-toothed Cossacks, I’d fear my manhood would come back looking like
it had been run through a cheese grater.  Somehow Russian women can find a few thousand rubles to pay for the
obligatory boob job, but they can’ get a little orthodonture? Wonder if they were told the same line of bullshit as the
meth queens?  “Hey, Svetlana, you beeeyootiful young woman; I make you big famous model; even get you some
brace for teeth.  First you make blowjob on Ivan after he make love to your poop chute.”

The flood of Russian skanks have pushed our beloved full figured (read; non-skeletal, big breasted) and Asian girls
to the back pages of the free sites.  Want to see a “lovely Latina with a big ass?”  Forget it.  Brazilians,
Argentineans, Americans, Koreans, and the whole gamut of Eurotrash (except the Russians) have been run out of
porn.  What are these poor young trollops to do?  The world is being flooded with unemployed porn starlets and
the Russians are to blame.  The worst of it is hearing them moan their fake orgasms in that vulgar language of
theirs.  Oh, how I loathe them and their inferior acting skills. How their skinny alabaster bodies sicken me and ruin
my erections.  May the Russian porn industry find itself sleeping with the fishes at the bottom of the Aral Sea. . .
soon.

And don’t get me started on those sick fucking Germans.  God, those people have no taste and no soul.