Essay #2: World Politics...
I'm not much for world politics, but what I know, I know. I'm sure no one will be contacting me for my views on the
latest Middle East conflict, nor will CNN, Fox News, or CNBC want to know where I think the beginning of World War
III will take place. As it turns out, I think it'll start in the Middle East; a no-brainer at best.
This brings me to today's discussion: Why I think North Korea is a big whopping non-threat to our national security.
Some may have better informed opinions and reasoning than I on this topic, but I have them beat when it comes to
irrefutable logic. You see, I owned a Hyundai. As any former Hyundai owner would likely agree with me for the
obvious reasons, the average reader may need a little explanation. Here we go.
The year was 1988 and the lease on my 1984 Dodge Daytona Turbo Z was ending. This was a happy occasion for
me as the Dodge had long since outlived its chick-magnetness (the front seat bracket had been broken for two
years causing me to fly backward every time I accelerated faster than a moped with a flat tire) and I began my quest
for a new car to throw my money at. Having visited a Honda, Toyota, Ford, Nissan (actually I think they were still
Datsun way back then), and another Dodge dealer, I visited the new Hyundai dealer in Costa Mesa.
My first mistake, as if going to a Hyundai dealer was not mistake enough, was going to the dealer at dusk. This
meant every car the dealer offered looked pretty and shiny in the waning hours of sunlight. This being the case, I
was immediately smitten by a navy blue Sonata with a light blue interior. The car had everything I wanted: power
seats, power windows, power moonroof, big trunk (not sure why I wanted that, being single at the time), and a 5-
speed transmission. Yep, I went from a turbo-powered, black, sport coupe to a Korean built, manual shifting, four-
door, family sedan. Did I mention I was single at the time? I blame my brother and sister-in-law who went with me.
They were probably both high at the time, but they thought the car was really "cool." I should mention I was all of 26
years old at the time. Hardly within my right mind. Oh, and there was no internet, so research was out. OK, I'm
done with the lame excuses, on with the story.
The car came with some lame-ass warranty. Something like, 5 years or 25 miles, whatever comes first. I only
mention this because, true to cliché, the car went to absolute shit the very day the warranty expired. First it was the
driver's side window. One day, I rolled down the window only to have it never com back up under its own power.
The dealer (who had since vamoosed and was now a Dodge/Infiniti dealer) informed me that the warranty had
expired and it would cost about $300 to fix the gear that raised and lowered the window. Like I had that kind of cash
to blow. The solution? A block of wood was wedged under the glass keeping it up permanently, or until the wood
shifted, which called for a complete dismantling of the door to once again wedge the block under the window.
Soon after, real problems started occurring. The cooling system sprung a leak one day on the way to work. Turns
out using aluminum tubing welded to an iron engine block was not a good idea. I patched that up and it worked, for
about a month. Then it started blowing fuses. Not just the little $.25 fuses under the dash, no, this shitbag had to
blow the $10 fuses under the hood. Always seemed to do it at the best times, too; like when I’m out getting
vodka and a porn because the girlfriend (soon, fiancée nee, wife) thought it would be "fun." Fuck yes it would be
fun. It would have been a whole lot funner if I could have gotten back to her apartment with the porn (the classic,
Debbie Does Dishes; I ain't lying) and the booze sooner. Being the man of action I was, I walked the mile to her
apartment from the video store. But I digress.
It seemed that things were going south on this car quickly and nothing was going to make it better. I was paying
about $250 a month on the lease and I had two years left. One day, I decided "Fuck it" and drove it to Chrysler
Credit Corporation's office in Laguna Hills to turn it in. Something called "Voluntary Repossession." Whatever, I just
wanted to be done with it. I should mention that prior to this, I parked it in our less-than-desirable neighborhood,
unlocked, with the keys in plain sight, hoping someone would take it for a one-way joyride. Turns out the criminals
in my neighborhood were smarter than they looked. So, I drove it (barely) to their offices; marched up to the
receptionist; handed her the keys and my next payment slip and said, "It's yours now." The receptionist looked
puzzled and may have muttered something about what should she do with it, but I was long gone by then.
In the end, it was a learning experience. The butt of many jokes. I still laugh at Hyundai commercials when they
speak of "quality and sophistication" in their cars. I looked it up; those words don't exist in the Korean language
when used with anything other than massages and "happy endings." I told you this sad little tale so I could make
this point. We have nothing to fear from North Korea.
See, North Korea is one fucked up little piece of real estate. The people there are starving. If they try to leave,
they're killed, or worse, made to stay in North Korea. The country is run by Kim Jung Il, a guy with a haircut that
makes Donald Trump look conservative. Il, it is written, once played golf and scored an 18. For all 18 holes. A hole-
in-one on each hole. That's fucking impressive. Wonder if he knows Chuck Norris? Point is, if South Korea, by all
indications a fine country with a robust economy and booming electronics industry (except for LG, a company that
makes shit phones), can't build a car that will outlive its warranty, what makes us think North Korea can build a
missile capable of delivering a nuclear warhead 2,000 miles?
I bet those jokers in North Korea are still using the same cooling system my old Sonata used, and are calling it
"technology." If that's the case, their missiles won't clear the North China Sea. I don't think they even have cars in
North Korea, do they? Someone told me they lost the recipe for ice. People, it's a backward ass country. They
built a nuclear power plant and wiped out an entire village (sort of like Chernobyl, only worse). Their fall-back plan
is to have us come over and pick-up the nuclear warhead and detonate it ourselves.
So folks, I'm here to tell ya, North Korea is nothing to worry about. A lot like South Korea, but with fewer hot chicks.
If you had owned a Hyundai, you'd understand.