| Ronarticle #6- Random Thoughts (About Television) It's been a while. We never seem to talk any more. No, no; it's me, not you. I just, well, I keep it bottled up until it reaches insurmountable pressures, then. . .KABOOM! It just all blows out like shriner's bowel contents after getting a hold of some bad pepper steak at the Circus Circus buffet during the last national convention. Not that it's ever happened to me, you understand. It's just that so many things have pissed me off lately that it's hard to focus on just one bit of irritation and do it any justice. So, as a public service, here are my random thoughts on topics rattling around inside my vacuous cranium. First, T.V. is just one big disappointment after another. Shows that were once "edgy" or "groundbreaking' are now simply formulamatic and boring. Examples? Go no further than any of the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation spin-offs. There's one set in Miami and one set in New York. What do they have in common? Both are boring as hell. Both are full of hack actors trying to replicate the stoic wisdom of Gil Grissom in their own hammy way. What really lights my matches on these train wrecks? The formula. Oy fucking vey, the formula. Let's see, we have the unusual, often bizarre, murder of victim one. Eaten by tigers? Left baking in the trunk of a car for a week until just a puddle of protoplasm? My favorite? Accidentally killed by a flare, thrown overboard by other Cuban refugees, then eaten by sharks. A hapless fisherman discovers the unfortunate contents of the shark's stomach when his picture is being taken with his quarry (an arm falls out of the mouth, priceless). This always sets the stage for our scientist crime solvers to piece together the mystery, no matter how obtuse, until the killer ultimately confesses, which is how it always happens in real life. The other murders in the show tend to be a little more mundane so as to not shock the living shit out of the audience and leave you with the feeling mankind has no redeemable qualities and must be deleted (which is the plot of an old Twilight Zone episode, if I'm not mistaken). All murders are conveniently solved in the span of two, maybe three days on these shows. All episodes end with the annoying video montage set to an equally annoying adult contemporary song with poignant lyrics that highlight the universal theme of "the bad guy gets it in the end." It's not just the CSI franchise that abuses the formula. My wife's favorite show, Criminal Minds, is just as bad, if not worse. Sociopath goes around killing innocent victims; team of FBI profilers come in and tell the local yokels their job; profilers come up with infallible plan and profile of the killer; fat computer expert gives them valuable information before they ask for it; geeky, skinny, annoying, agent gives annoying exposition on statistics of what kind of human turns into such a depraved killing machine; Mandy Patinkin has internal conflicts; the team accuses the wrong dude; team saves the last victim just before the killer strikes again; day is saved. Yay! Thank God for the Fibbies. Instead of the annoying video montage at the end, we get one of the characters quoting a philosopher or some other really smart person and tying the quote into the universal theme of "the bad guy gets it in the end." I'm sure there are other shows that follow this same formula, but I ain't a watching them. And don't get me started on "reality" shows. The "nanny" shows, "makeover" shows, "doctor" shows; they're all the same. Hopeless person asks for help; gets help; goes into denial; life gets worse; nanny, doctor, contractor comes back; life is rosy once again. My only question is this; are people still buying this bullshit? Is that entertainment? I love watching white trash couples yell at each other as much as the next guy. It makes me feel good about being less trashy than them (this from the guy who took his kids to the Hooters in Vegas). But then, that's probably why America watches and I weep. There is hope in TV land, aside from Green Acres reruns, and that hope is Heroes. Its so far and away the best show on network television today that it's not even funny. Lost? (sorry, no link. . .I'm getting lazy and Lost pisses me off every week like Pavlov's dog waiting for a biscuit every time the doorbell rings) Please, that show is so 2004. No, Heroes has good writing, great characters, a plot that moves along with details and does not lead its audience into a series of red herrings just to buy more time while the idiot writers try to find a way to explain half of the bizarre events they wrote into the script while spending a weekend on 'shrooms, (oh, wait; that was that Adam Sorkin dude) and a totally hot cheerleader as a central character. Plus, now that you've visited the website, you know it comes with its own graphic novel. Not bad, eh geeks? As a matter of fact, just last I told my wife that Heroes is a total geek show like Battlestar Gallactica, Star Trek (all of them) and Mystery Science Theater 3000 (yeah, I like them all). The good news is, NBC has ordered the back end for Heroes, meaning we'll see it for at least this season. Now if someone can explain why the very same network that puts on the strongest show this fall has a complete brain fart and also puts two shows on the air dedicated to showing us the behind-the-scenes goings on of two comedy sketch shows, I would appreciate it. Both shows suck and the show they "parody" also sucks. Three strikes if you ask me. Biggest overactors on TV today? Easy; David Caruso, Mandy Patinkin, Gary Sinise, Kiefer Sutherland, and that dude on House. Not necessarily in that order. Watch them and be amazed. I know some of you are wondering about David Hasslehof and, the King, William Shatner. First, the Hof is a parody of himself and, therefore, is ineligible for consideration. As for Shatner, he's classic and a joy to watch. The stiffs listed above make watching TV a pain inducing endurance test on par with running the Kona Ironman. If I had to add anyone to the list it would be Tyra Banks just because I think she's disgusting and horrible at feigning interest in her own "reality" show. Thanks to Dan sending me this article I became obsessed with the Chinese saving our asses from ourselves. Especially after seeing what they're doing to the planet. See, the Chinese owe us something for putting up with, like, a billion of them running around and using all of our precious oil. Oil I need for my SUV. Oil I need to operate a huge vehicle, driving seven miles a day to teach their immigrant children our language so they can man the phones at the Hewlitt-Packard customer service center in Shanghai using American names like Billy or Daisy or Justin and tell me that they are very happy I called and just how great their nuclear fusion powered center and water powered cars are while my piece of shit HP laptop (not this one, no I love this one) can't seem to power up and load the desktop before dinner. At least they're not the North Koreans. Those crazy fuckers proved they blow things up. They blowed them up real good. So, the Chinese have nuclear (or is it nucular?) fusion. They also have cured cancer, invented time travel, and found Jimmy Hoffa. He was at a place called Lee Ho Fook's; eating a big dish of beef chow mein (apologies to Warren Zevon). Yes, the Chinese will save us all from ourselves. They wouldn't lie to us, would they? Speaking of Asians, how 'bout some Asian porn? Back to business. How about my new found hyperlink talent? I think it makes things a little more interesting, don't you? It also points out just how big of a hack writer I am when you see the pros do their job. A paper called The O.C. Weekly has a regular feature called Ask a Mexican. It's hilarious and makes me look like a bigger hack than I already know I am. Amazing how people can be so funny, yet make it seem so effortless. Believe me, I am trying my ass off here. I hope you appreciate it. I'm going gambling and boozing next weekend. It costs me too much money, the drive is miserable, the hotel is a shit hole, and the weather will suck. I couldn't be happier. The machines pay out sometimes, the booze is free, and the freaks plentiful (not counting me). In other words, heaven on earth. I probably had more to say, but I started watching TV and my train of thought was derailed. Well, I promise to be better next time. |