Ron reader #8- Christianity is Under Attack
"Fuck milk, got Christ?"
-Quote from a sticker on a biker helmet I saw the other day.
Christianity is under attack. In the media, in public places, in our schools, and by our government, the Nation's
favorite religion is being vilified. It's all true. I know because I read it right here. Pity the Christians. Poor, poor
Christians.
Yeah, must feel like God has run right out and deserted them.
See, certain leaders within the Christian religion have gotten the idea that popular culture and media are mocking
their values. These leaders are also the ones up in arms every time another city says "No" to a nativity scene in a
public park or to renaming the Mayor's Prayer Breakfast the Mayor's Ecumenical Pre-Lunch Meal Open to All
Faiths, But Especially Christians. And, if you remember, they are the ones who declared that Christmas was under
attack just last year.
The actions of these Christian leaders are based on the grand assumption that everyone is Christian, and those
who aren't, should be. Now, let it be said that not all Christians think this way, nor do their leaders. Unfortunately,
those Christians hardly ever say anything because they're pussies. Plus, you can't fill churches unless you give
them a good reason to come in, and telling the parishioners the "liberal media" hates them seems to do the trick.
Are we attacking Christians needlessly, or do they deserve it? Hard to say they don't deserve it just from looking at
what's been happening lately. Seems every time you turn around, another minister is pleading for forgiveness for
his "sins." Ted Haggerty rails kids at "Jesus Camp" into thinking that homosexuality is evil and anyone who
practices it is doomed to an eternity of smoking turds in hell. Right after he's finished with that, he goes off and
pays some dude a hundred bucks or so to suck his dick and spank his ass. I don't know what the fuck the guy was
thinking paying for his gay sex when he could have gone to some big city and gotten his gay jollies for free and
anonymously. I'm sure very few knew of him in West Hollywood, San Francisco, or Palm Springs before the shit hit
the fan. Of course, once you appear in a major documentary telling everyone how vile homos are, the secret would
be out, all your "new friends" you just shared amyl nitrate poppers with would know and a bitch fight would ensue.
The gays really hate hypocrisy; more than most others. So, exhibit one; Christians who hate the gays but can't stop
taking it up the ass = lying, hypocritical bastards. Why are there so many?
Want another reason? How about gay marriage? They hate it because it would "ruin the sanctity of the marriage
ritual." Utter bullshit. (seems like I'm on a gay vs. Christianity bender here, I'll try to bring some variety in, promise)
You know what threatens the sanctity of marriage? Hypocritical gay ministers who lie about their gayosity to their
wives and children, that's who. How about priests who rape and bully altar boys? They're going to tell me who
should and shouldn't get married? Fuck them. Gays want to be married, let 'em. Everyone has a right to be
miserable, why not the gays? While we're at it, give them kids too; lots of kids. Why should Angelina Jolie and
Madonna have all the fun with their little brown children? I'd love to see some gay parents at soccer practice
making all the Christian parents squirm in their minivans. Fact is, if there were more gay parents on soccer teams,
our kids would have kick ass banners and snacks after every game. I'm betting the pizza parties would be
interesting too, serving Chardonnay and Shiraz instead of Michelob Ultra. Yeah, that'd be cool. Exhibit two; they
don't want gays to marry, but think it's OK to hide priests who diddle with little altar boys.
Arrogance. Christians have it in spades. They are all consumed and convinced that they know the way to heaven.
They've put all of their spiritual eggs in one basket and are counting the days until they are all called up to God's
kingdom. Got news for ya; ain't gonna happen, sunshine. Christians go around with bumper stickers and license
plate frames saying things like, "Just Forgiven" and, my personal favorite, "In case of Rapture, cars yours (sic)."
That's right Apu, pray to your six armed goddess all you want, when the trumpet blows, I'll be called to heaven and
you'll be eaten by locusts. Some Christians like to tout their religion's "out clause;" if you die before you accept
Jesus as your savior, you'll have that last chance opportunity right after you die. Sort of like when you're buying a
car and the finance guy goes over the extended warranty and clear coat protection just before you take possession
because he'd hate for you to have to replace the engine control board that costs $1,000 bucks right after the
warranty expires and before you've fully paid off the piece of shit Hyundai. I digress. I just hate Hyundais. A lot.
It's what drove the Christians out into the planet's hinterlands (the arrogance, not the Hyundai); save the souls of
the savages before they die and can't decide for themselves what religion they are. And, while we're at it, we'll
clothe them and give them small pox and. . . oh, they all died. Shoot, and they would have made great slaves. Yes,
Christianity is the epitome of arrogance. It's what spurred the Crusades; most holy wars; and Billy Graham.
Truthfully, how many Buddhists, Hindus, and Zoroastrians do you see running around with cute little catch phrases
and fish stickers on their cars. None, that's how many. Exhibit three; Christians are self-righteous, smug, arrogant
pissants.
How many religions have "Megachurches?" Just our friends the Christians. You might say the Mormons come
close with their temples, but they're just so damn quirky that you just have to love them. C'mon, polygamy? Getting
your own planet after you die? Wearing funny underwear? Unnatural fear of coffee and caffeine? Love me some
LDS. No, Megachurches are ones like these that don't belong to any one denomination, but cater to the lonely, lost,
and spiritually bankrupt. They rake in huge amounts of cash, have thousands of members (Saddleback Church
here in O.C. boasts over 24,000 members-kind of makes the whole shake the hand of the pastor after the service
thing a little difficult when the line is three miles long), and depend on a type of multi-level marketing scheme to
keep the members, and the cash, flowing in. I call them "God, Inc." The message is easy to take and you can
choose traditional or "contemporary" services with "rock" music and a hip young minister (who's probably gay) that
will tell you how cool it is to be Christian, or as they call it, "Down with the JC." Megachurches are the result of
master marketers like Rick Warren. You know this guy. He wrote The Purpose Driven Life and is the founder of
the Saddleback Church. This guy has come out and admitted that it's all in the marketing. He so much as calls the
Bible a marketing tool. He's the tool. Him and his Hawaiian shirts and his "feel good" ministry. Deep down, the
guy's a Southern Baptist, hellfire and brimstone, gay-hating, spread the word and pass the donation plate,
megalomaniac. These people don't care if your soul is saved or if you even believe the message, just as long as
you keep coming to the service at one of our convenient satellite campuses and renew the monthly direct-debit
donation of approximately 10% of your gross annual income, and if you can't make it, w'll e-mail the summary of the
message to you. Oh, and please, sign up for one of our unique, personalized "ministries" such as the single parent
ministry, or the formerly gay, meth-addicted, Prius-driving, soccer-mom ministry. We have an opening!
Exhibit four: Everyone loves having a huge, 24,000 seat auditorium built in their neighborhood to house the throngs
that come to listen to some Zig Ziglar wannabe motivate them to a greater life because theirs is such a shit-can of
despair that this church and only this church can make them stop trying to kill themselves and make the world a
better place.
Finally, Christians hate everyone who's not their denomination. Northern Ireland? Catholics hate the protestants.
The Balkans? Christians hate the Muslims. Middle East? Everyone hates the Jews. Wait, not a good example. I
like the Jews. As a matter of fact, I find Judaism is the only religion that does not offend me in the least. No late
night or early Sunday morning preacher shows; no suicide bombers; no burning crosses; no blaming anyone else
for their problems. As a matter of fact, I like the whole "live and let live" philosophy of the Jews. But I digress, as
always.
See, most Christians hate the Catholics. They go so far as to say Catholics aren't even Christian because they
glorify the saints, confess through a priest rather than directly to the Big JC, and their leader wears a funny hat. (I
made up the last part, but would totally expect Oral Roberts to say something like that) That Rick Warren guy I
talked about? His church considers Catholics to be very un-Christian. Now, I'm not defending Catholics, but c'mon;
they started the whole Christianity thing, right? They're the ones who were being fed to lions, strung up on crosses,
being enslaved, and generally pissed on for about 500 years by the Romans. Then Constantine comes around,
founds the Holy Roman Empire, moves to Istanbul (or was it Constantinople; it's all the same to the Turks) and
says, "Domino, domino, domino; there you're all Christian now, go home!) But now, Catholics are treated as the
ugly step-sister of Christianity while the Baptists, Lutherans, and Presbyterians all dance on Catholicism's grave.
Want to start a fight between Christians? Tell a Lutheran and a Baptist to recite the Lord's Prayer. When they get
to the whole "forgive us our . . ." part, one will say "trespasses" and the other will say, "debts." Then they'll launch
into a philosophical fist-fight over which one Jesus said during the Sermon on the Mount. As if we have the actual
translation to work from. Fucking hilarious. Each denomination also has its own special way of baptizing the
followers; some splash, others dunk; some others use rivers, lakes, or the ocean in an effort to be all "John, the
Baptist" or something. Each tells the other that theirs is invalid and Jesus will kick your sorry, unbaptized ass
straight to hell. No "out clause" for you sucker, hell's a waitin'. They go so far as to say that the Catholic ritual of
baptism soon after birth means nothing because the child had no say in the matter. Have to agree there; what if the
kid wanted to be a Buddhist? Tough shit, you're Catholic, Jimmy. No go play with the other altar boys while Father
Frank is busy "counseling" young Michael.
These Christian religions all have their own set of Bible translations, hymnals, and rituals to set themselves apart.
They can't agree whether you should scare the shit out of the congregation or just make them feel good about
themselves like some Tony Robbins seminar, but without all the teeth and unnaturally large head. And what about
those churches that bring in snakes and speak in tongues? Everyone keeps their distance from them. I have to
admit, when I was in college I joined a Bible study group that would practice speaking in tongues and "baptism by
spirit," which was basically laying hands on the person being baptized and speaking in tongues at the same time. It
was pretty weird, but it got me close to the girl I wanted to go out with, so I went. My speaking in tongues sounded
like Mr. Scott mumbling to Captain James T. Kirk about the warp drive's inability to overcome sever shortages of
lithium crystals in order to give warp speed and fire the photon torpedoes at the same time. Like I said, it was going
to get me the girl. Still, the fact is Christianity can't decide who it likes and dislikes and who it would like to see less
of; the Muslims or the Jews. Most would probably like to see both gone, yesterday.
Exhibit five: They can't decide who's right about Jesus. What would Jesus do? Go to a ball game.
In conclusion, and aren't you glad to see those words, Christianity is a fucked up religion. That doesn't make it any
worse or better than the other fucked up religions out there. (Don't get me restarted on the Muslims) It just seems
that a religion that is based on the teaching of a man who preached "Love thy neighbor as you would yourself" and
"Turn the other cheek," should be, well, more loving and forgiving. Yet, their tolerance is at an all time low. The call
for prayer in school, to display the Ten Commandments, and to allow public Nativity displays has never been
louder. Apparently, Christians consider themselves the new Jews. Only one thing wrong with that; nobody has
killed off the vast majority of their followers; nobody goes around spray painting "Kill Jews" on churches (happened
yesterday in Anaheim); nobody blames them for the wars in the Middle-East (although, if they knew their shit they'd
remember a little something called The Crusades where medieval European soldiers tried to wipe out the Muslims
and reclaim the Holy Land). No, they don't come close to being persecuted. If anything, they're getting what they
deserve; a little humility.