Diatribe #1: The Introduction...
Where do I start? See, this whole "internet infamy" thing is new to me, and since I'll be getting all kinds of new
readers now that I'm a part of Dan's neato web site, I'm wondering where the jumping off point should be. So without
much creativity, I'm taking the easy way out; an introduction.
For those new to my writing, and I know much of you are, I'm a regular guy. Really regular. Ask my wife. She says I
spend too much time in the bathroom; if only she knew the half of it. But I digress. Regular; yeah, I'm regular, like
normal only more so. I'm 44 years old; married; have four kids, most of them I love dearly; teach junior high English
(so no fucking comments on my seemingly obsessive use of the comma); and, practice law on the side. Seriously.
Well, I'm not that serious about my law practice, or I'd be able to afford so much more in life. But then I did mention
the four kids, right?
I drink far too much (three words; junior high teacher); gamble even more than I can afford to lose, and I lose a lot;
cuss shitloads when the kids aren't around; read fitness websites obsessively; like free internet porn; like some
reality T.V. shows, especially the ones where some British chef belittles the living daylights out of a bunch of
American pussies looking to get their own free restaurant without working years to get the experience and cooking
acumen to actually run said restaurant; and spend at least five hours a week in the gym lifting moderate amounts of
weight, yet not really gaining the slabs of muscle Charles Atlas promised me. Oh, and I really like sex. With my wife
is preferred. But, if she's not willing, I'm open to compromise. As Rodney Dangerfield once said, "The first time I
had sex, I was scared to death; I was all alone." I think you get the picture.
I'm a registered Democrat, but why get into politics? See, I rarely go down the party lines when it comes to political
issues. I'm more of a pragmatist, if that's possible. My party loves big government; the other side trusts big
business way too much. My party thinks we should pull out of Iraq yesterday; the other side is committed to
"establishing a democracy." Me? I just think we should finish a job we started; then level the holy fuck out of Iran
and North Korea. See, we could solve our illegal immigration problem then as well; we just send all of our "guest
workers" over to those newly formed parking lots to clean up. I hear they do great work. I'm kidding. I kid; it's what
a kidder does. Seriously though, it's a pretty good idea; admit it.
My tastes in music seem to be stuck in 1982 or so. I still listen to old school punk, "classic rock," (whatever the hell
that is) old school rap, metal, exactly three country artists (Johnny Cash, Hank Williams (I, II, III), Dwight Yoakam),
and avoid most of what passes as pop music like the plague. I guess that makes me a lot like any other 44 year old
male with half a fucking brain, and believe me half of my brain is always thinking of fucking; ask my wife. Here's a
preview; one of my next missives will be about my musical awakening this year and how one concert challenged my
preconceived notions.
I play sports. . .badly, for the most part. I play soccer with two left feet. I play softball like the average middle-aged
slob, but with no power. I play basketball like a slow white guy, which is O.K. because I am one. I do have a decent
outside jumper, but goddamn, I'm slow. I can bowl a decent game while drunk. I suck sober. I hate running
because it's pointless. I'm buying a bike because I like to pretend I'm Lance fucking Armstrong leading the Tour de
France, except I have both testicles. I play with my kids because I can dominate them in every sport, no exceptions.
Suckers.
I suppose if you really wanted to know more about whom I am, you can always check (my previous attempt at
internet infamy). Dan has had a link to it on the home page for the past six months [Notice the past tense -Ed], not
that you'd notice; you never notice anything I do.
So, in closing (which I tell my students to never say in their writing) I must thank Dan for my own fuzzy little piece of
his web site. Dan and I have known each other for over a year and have met face-to-face twice. We have much in
common, so this little venture seems a good fit. We'll see how this works out. I'll try my best not to plagiarize too
much.
And so it begins.