Plot Outline for the “Real Housewives of Medford, Oregon” Thanksgiving Special
Scene 1 – Jane cooking Thanksgiving dinner early in the morning. Her son, Eric, and daughter, Sarah, assist her in the kitchen. Eric is really high on meth, but Jane doesn’t know this because she is already stoned out of her mind on Valium and has already started to drink white wine from a box out of an older souvenir cup from an Oregon Ducks game. Jane is in the sweat suit she always wears. Sarah should be wearing one of her normal micro-skirts. (Note: talk to Standards and Practices about legality of showing some butt cheek even though she is sixteen. I don’t think it will be a problem. We will make sure she is wearing a thong.)
Scene 2 – Wyatt and Kenneth, the two closeted homosexuals who insist they are just roommates still, are hunting in the woods. Show lots of phallic imagery like tall trees and breakfast sausage. Wyatt uses a bow and Kenneth a shotgun. Wyatt taunts Kenneth about the fact that he only has a .20 gauge shotgun, but Kenneth says Wyatt can “suck my dick” if he thinks it’s too small. Both pause and stare at one another wantonly, then call one another fags and continue hunting.
Scene 3 – Jane’s husband Eric Sr. sits on the couch intently watching the Green Bay vs. Detroit game. He wears a Green Bay jersey and a Green Bay ball cap, though he has never been to Wisconsin in his life and furthermore last season said that he would NEVER go there because of “all the blacks.”
Scene 4 – Missy May, wife of logging company manager, Dale, who she cherishes and adores because of all the money he makes, takes time out of her Thanksgiving dinner prep to phone the Goldbergs and tell them to “enjoy your Chinese food or whatever it is y’all do on Turkey Day.” Cut to their son Steven who prefers to be called “Raven” putting on eyeliner in his room while listening to Elliot Smith and singing along to “Mad World.”
Scene 5 – Eric, now completely spun out of his mind and speaking nonsense, runs out of the house, down the street, and begins to throw rocks at the Goldberg residence while shouting that he is the living embodiment of the “Archangel Danzig.” Cut to Sarah making out with her cousin in her room. Kenny Chesney plays in the background.
Scene 6 – Jane, now thoroughly intoxicated, throws a baking sheet at her husband, and says his “cold hearted, good-for-nothing ass” doesn’t appreciate her or what she does around the house. In response, Eric Sr. casually glances over his shoulder and with a smile on his face says, “Shut that whore mouth before I shut it for you.” Jane storms back into the kitchen and begins breaking dishes.
Scene 7 – Wyatt accidentally lands an arrow in Kenneth’s thigh and immediately runs to his aid. Wyatt cuts off Kenneth’s pants with a Bowie knife, removes the arrow after a three count, and then begins to “suck out the poison.” Kenneth does not protest. (Note: to our knowledge, Wyatt will not actually be using poison arrows as we warned him about this after last year’s unfortunate incident at the pre-school.)
Scene 8 – Eric sprints naked through a nearby park with the Medford PD hot on his tail! Eric is covered in self-inflicted stab wounds and eventually apprehended after he collides with the glass door of a 7-11, falls to the ground, and is repeatedly struck with taser darts.
Scene 9 – Jane’s turkey is pretty much on fire. She screams for someone to call 911. Eric Sr., elated at a Green Bay touchdown, starts to shoot his revolver out the window in celebration. It’s not even half time yet and that god awful band Nickelback has not yet played. Cut to Sarah and her cousin clearly having unprotected anal sex. (Note: they will be under the covers, so it should be okay. Also, the cousin is 34.)
Scene 10 – Missy May is struck in the cheek by one of Eric Sr.’s stray bullets. The bullet severs her tongue causing her to run around the kitchen bleeding everywhere and screaming “MMMMRRRRRGGGGGGGFFFFFF!!” Cut to her son on the phone stating, “Mom is singing again. Oh my god; please shoot me.”
Scene 11 – Exterior shot of Jane and Eric Sr.’s house. The Medford PD SWAT team has the place surrounded. Smoke billows into the sky from the rear of the house. Fire trucks are standing by. Cut to Jane likely dead from smoke inhalation and/or overdose and Eric Sr. still doing a celebration dance in front of the TV unaware of anything amiss. Sarah and her cousin are still having unprotected anal sex.
Scene 12 – A sniper shoots Eric Sr. after an officer spots Eric Sr. waving a revolver around amid reports that there was a female victim seen motionless on the kitchen floor through the smoke.
Scene 13 – Missy May bleeds out. Minutes later, her husband comes home, removes a gun from a paper bag, walks into the kitchen and finds her there, dead. He doesn’t seem overly concerned. He puts the gun back in the bag and walks out the front door with a weird smile on his face. Raven’s voice from upstairs yells, “Mom, when is dinner?”
Scene 14 – Sarah and her cousin still having unprotected anal sex (she is really a trooper) while the Fire Department douses the house with water.
Scene 15 – Kenneth bleeds out, no doubt aided by Wyatt’s poor choice of first aid methods. Wyatt commits suicide with Kenneth’s shotgun and collapses on top of his “roommate’s” body.
Scene 16 – The Goldbergs at PF Chang’s celebrate another Thanksgiving with the “traditional holiday food of our people.”
This should be one hell of an episode - ratings wise! Don’t forget to work in product placement for Vitamin Water, because white trash loves that stuff. They actually think it’s good for them! Can you believe that? It’s water with sugar in it, right?
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