Hey, Tough-Guy, Your Car Sucks.


I've incurred another nickname, another arrow for my quiver of nicknames. It happened at work. I was bestowed with the name "The Silver Devil."

This was intended to refer to my name, duh, and to the fact that I am always playing the devil's advocate in most situations (or it's a totally bigoted devil-Jew joke but that's kinda funny so I'm cool with it). There are many reasons why I do this. First off, I have an uncanny ability to find fault in things. Second, I enjoy fucking with other people. Third, I enjoy the word "the." So, you see, it makes perfect sense.

Nicknames generally come from significant events in life that bring out certain personality quirks in us. For instance, I was once nicknamed "Hannibal" after I bit a guy's ear. I understand that this isn't comic genius but it was funny and appropriate at the time.

This brings me to my main point: If you own a Ford Mustang, I probably don't like you.

It's unfortunate that ownership a vehicle, which so many love and cherish, automatically qualifies you to be a complete dickasaurus. It's true though. How many times have you seen some asshat cruise by you at night, in the rain, going about seventy miles an hour on city streets? I'm sure you've seen it quite a bit. Now, think back. Said asshat was driving a Mustang with custom exhausts (and a sticker in the rear window denoting the make of said exhaust), wasn't he? Yes, he was.

It's not that everybody who owns a Mustang is a bad person, it's that the car is like ruling a communist country, it corrupts - Always. All races, creeds and colors of retards are attracted to the Mustang. It lives in peoples' minds as an icon of masculine automobiles. People feel compelled to buy them, to trick them out and baby them. People who also, apparently, do not feel at all compelled to adhere to basic principles of driving; such as smooth braking, gentle acceleration, using the turn signal to switch lanes and operating at a speed deemed legal and safe by the California (or wherever you are) Vehicle Code. Female Mustang owners are just as bad as men. I can only speculate that this is because instead of compensating for having a small penis (as male Mustang owners are doing), the women are trying to gain some power over losing their virginity, at far to young an age, in the cramped back seat of a... Ford Mustang.

So, I’ve decided to come up with a term for Mustang owners, a blanket nickname of sorts. I'm thinking: Poon-stang. I like this term because it combines the words "poon" (slang for the vajay) and "Mustang" (dumbest car ever) to make an appropriate amalgamation of the two. Please start using it as often as possible, Mustang owners are usually not the brightest folks on Earth and it'll take them a while to catch on.

Also, if you own a Humvee, go die.
 
 
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