Often and when short on time, I start an article or review by writing down a title or one line theme in MS Word and saving it to my computer. Then, later, I reopen the document and start writing about whatever the title is. That's not always the case, though. Sometimes, I either forget to revisit the document or lose whatever inspiration I had in the first place.
Recently, I decided to clean out "My Documents" and found a few long-forgotten topics fading away into obscurity. Suddenly, I was inspired: I would write an article about all of those titles, the written equivalent of one of those annoying-as-hell flashback episodes that sitcom writers produce when they're hung over. (Even better, I am now, currently, hung over. Perfect.) On with the show...
Idea #1- You would think that the retarded would be better at bagging groceries by now.
After two separate experiences in my local grocery store in which the special bagger failed to include several items that I had purchased, Dan Silver decided to take action! If by "action!" you mean I was to bitch, bitch, bitch about the poor retarded kid and post mean-spirited ravings on my website. Needless to say, I calmed down and, in the interest of not coming across as a complete asshole, I never wrote the article. I'm not entirely sure about the "complete asshole" thing though. I mean, have you read this yet?
Idea #2- Two hundred and fifty million dollars of nothing.
This is it: the title that spawned the realization that I needed to be slightly less existential when taking notes. I've repeatedly revisited this document and used the internet to try and figure out what, exactly, the hell I was talking about. No dice. I learned that David Beckham got paid 250 million dollars to play in LA, but that doesn't really light any fire in my comedic mind. I reckon this shall remain unsolved.
But fuck David Beckham, while we're talking about it. Soccer is lame. And, if you are one of those American's who likes soccer, you're lame. Soccer is for foreigners. Real Americans watch NASCAR... and reruns of American Gladiators on ESPN Classic. Because, you know, people still get hankerins to see Lazer shoot some scrambling, frantic idiot with the tennis ball cannon.
Idea #3- Kim Deal from The Pixies got really fat.
She did, seriously. And it's so, so depressing - even though I was never a huge Pixies fan. Actually, I was never a Pixies fan. I only had one of their records, ever. The only reason I owned that one was because there was a topless woman on the cover and I had that song that goes "With your feet on the air and head in the bar. Your balls are going to float. Your shoes in your face and you ask yourself: Where is my mind" stuck in my head. Oh, and I also like that song about the monkey going to heaven, but that's it.
Recently, The Pixies did a reunion tour, and it was televised on HBO or something. And there was Kim Deal looking huge and swollen and slovenly, just like the lead singer, Frank Black. It's hard to be a fatty and rock. It's even harder to watch a rocker get fat. I saw The Avengers the other night and their lead singer turned into a lard-ass also. She used to be so hot and now: fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat.
We spend so much time trying to get rock stars off drugs, and so little time trying to get them off cake. This needs to change.
Idea #4- Ah, date rape. Don't you miss the eighties?
This article was supposed to be a sad commentary on the rampant misogyny and sexism portrayed in the movies of the 1980's. Instead, it's just a really, really confusing line in bold typeface.
I'm pretty sure the article was gonna be brilliant though, wrought with journalistic integrity.
Idea #5- Michael Richards, we hardly knew ye!
Hey, here's a revolutionary topic: Michael Richards - crazy "nigger"-laden tirade! I'm so glad I didn't write this article. I'll simply note that I think Michael Richards and Kramer are different people entirely. Just like Billy Dee Williams and Lando - but not black.
Obviously.
Idea #6- Silly woman, you're in no way qualified to do the voice over for an upcoming movie's televised trailer.
Okay, why is it that Hollywood seems to think women are incapable of voicing movie trailers? Herein layeth the glass ceiling in filmmaking. Men have cornered the market on the movie trailer voice over, and it's annoying. I've gotten into that nature series Planet Earth lately, and that's voiced by Sigourney Weaver. She does a great job too, and that's an hour-long program not a forty second teaser.
Bottom line: I would still go see a movie if a chick did the trailer's narrative; provided she shut up at some point.
Maybe that's why they use dudes.
That's all I'm saying. |
