I haven't been to many funerals but the ones I've attended have left me with lasting impressions as to how I would like, or rather wouldn't like, my own funeral to go. You see, I think that the gentle, sincere, and faux-heartfelt crap at most funerals is really dumb. Furthermore, funerals are boring as shit. So, I've come up with some guidelines for my own Big Day, whenever that should be:
1- Do not, under any circumstances, display my dead-ass body to the public in the event that I'm all torn up. If they need to slather me with makeup and putty, then just close the damn casket. Or, display my dead-ass body to the public in all its gory glory, minus the makeup and putty.
2- I'm cool with having the thing in a church. However, no references to Jesus or heaven will be tolerated - Hell is cool though.
3- I'll note that my ideal location is in one of those places where they do Laser Floyd. One of those big, domed, rooms with all the stars on the roof. Turn out the lights, turn on the stars and play this line from 2010 when the room falls silent. Then just illuminate my dead-ass in the middle, rock some Old Man Gloom on the stereo, cue the lasers and kick back. If you want to light one up, whatever. I'm dead and won't smell that crap.
4- Only play music that I like, the heavy and depressing stuff. NO JAMES TAYLOR.
5- Serve drinks.
6- Let everybody know that they don't have to whisper.
7- Save the stories for the big, blow-out wake after I'm buried. We're trying to keep this thing short.
8- Scantily-clad dancing girls!
9- Comfortable chairs.
10- Eating is not only allowed but encouraged. The same goes with farting.
11- My coffin SHALL have cool stuff painted on it, like skulls and superheroes and crap.
12- Do not, under any circumstances, give any of my stuff away. That all get's buried with me. It'll be like a time capsule only more selfish and way more funny when it's opened a few thousand years from now. "Hey look, old comics from the turn of the century...OH MY GOD A BODY!"
That should cover the ceremony. I also, surprise, have some preferences for the wake. I know it won't be feasible to have all this stuff happen but I'm brain-storming here, so don't ruin it...
1- Halo tournament.
2- Open bar with good booze. Still tip the bartender please.
3- Only a five-dollar cover!
4- Fifteen if I thought you were a dick.
5- If you pay the fifteen dollars (and I thought you were a dick) you have to pay for your drinks also (which will keep them free for the people I liked). No open bar for you.
6- Barbequed brisket in abundance.
7- An adult sized jumper.
8- Oil wrestling in said jumper.
9- No dudes allowed in said jumper.
10- Scantily-clad dancing girls, part II!
11- Screen my favorite films in a nearby room.
12- Zach Galifianakis does live stand-up.
13- Nobody may make mention of the stupid things I have done. Only stories of my heroism, my biting wit, my enormous cock, and my sexual prowess shall be permitted.
14- Tonya takes a drunken public pledge to never even look at another naked man, let alone touch one.
So, we have some basic guidelines here. I think that they're all pretty fair and reasonable. The point is, funerals are lame and need to be less lame. I don't want to be remembered as some rotting corpse in a cheap suit. I'd much rather be remembered as a man who died saving hundreds of children from a burning orphanage, directly after having sex with my wife and all of her friend -- at once. |
