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In lieu of drafting a letter to the Complaint Department at VH1, I chose this course of action...

VH1, which is a channel on basic cable (for those of you who still think TV is evil and have not purchased one), airs a show called The Greatest which has different themes.  It's a countdown show where they, the writing staff at said network, list the "greatest" moments, bands, videos, etc. in popular culture.  A recent theme was The Forty Greatest Metal Songs. Needless to say, I took issue with VH1's views on the matter.

These shows have celebrity commentators like Hal Sparks, The Beastie Boys, Chris Jericho (who is surprisingly small since the Balco thing), Merv Griffin, and whoever else is bored and could use a few bucks for speaking in an impassioned manner about nothing of any great importance. These are cheap, entertaining shows geared for those of us with short attention spans and, I'll admit, I've watched a few of them- which makes them kind of a dirty little secret for me.  I Love the Eighties tops my list of these shows as I'm sure it does for many others.

Now, as I'm both a fan of metal and of the VH1 countdown show, you'd think that I would have liked The Forty Greatest Metal Songs, wouldn't you?

Wrong.

The morons at VH1 lumped genius in with mediocrity and that pissed me off. As I maintained a forum for my misgivings (this site), I was compelled to write about how disgusted I was. This was originally a four part series, which is now complete and uninterrupted for ya'll.  Enjoy the countdown...

#40- Breaking the Law by Judas Priest: This was a bad one to start this list with as I'll stipulate that this song is not only metal by default but also is not so bad. It was released in an era when metal wasn't a defined genre yet, like when punk-rock first came around. Also, Rob Halford being so obviously gay yet still garnering such a huge meathead following, only to send them into a tizzy of homosexual panic when he came out of the closet, makes me smile.

#39- I'm Eighteen by Alice Cooper: Um, so is David Bowie metal also? Don't get me wrong, I love Bowie and like Cooper neither are metal. Alice may have looked kinda metal but he wasn't. Spinal Tap was, and is, way more metal than Alice Cooper.

#38- Balls to the Wall by Accept: Gayest-Song-Ever.

#37- Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple: For the longest time I thought that this song's opening riff (you know, the one that goes dun-dun-da, dun-dun-da-da') was Cat Scratch Fever which also bores me to tears. This song has never inspired anybody to break anything, other than the accidental shattering of a bong when passing out from taking too many hits before breakfast.

#36- Wait and Bleed by Slipknot: Dude, is there like one (former) jock in this writing team who's also the only guy under age 28?  If so, this is his pick and it blows ass because bands that wear masks can't help but suck. Seriously, prove me wrong.

#35- Metal Health by Quiet Riot: Um, if your mom smiles and taps her foot when a song is playing it's not metal. If your mom used to go to their concerts, blow the bouncer to get backstage and fuck the band in a cocaine induced haze, then it's still not metal unless it's Slayer or Metallica (pre-1991). Also, if itâ's Quiet Riot, it's never EVER EVER EVER going to be metal. It's just crap. If John Coltrane renamed his album Metal Train, would it be metal also?

#34- Paranoid by Black Sabbath: This song came out far before most of the crap on this list and still rules it all, so far. This is metal, early metal but metal regardless. It is also genius.

#33- High N' Dry (Saturday Night) by Def Leppard: Yes, you are reading this correctly, Def-FUCKING-Leppard is higher on the list, and therefore considered better by the people at VH1, than Black Sabbath.  How long is the waiting period on guns again?

#32- Thunder Kiss '65 by White Zombie: Mr. Robert Zombie is a cool cat and all, and I like his band, but if that many strippers are dancing to your song then (guess what?) you aren't playing metal. The litmus test here is that no stripper has ever taken her clothes off to Reign in Blood by Slayer - Though, if she did, I'd watch.

#31- Rock You like a Hurricane by Scorpions: Wow. Scorpions are metal? Is this judgment being handed down by the same culture of people who universally love David Hasselhoff or by some other Germany?

#30- Epic by Faith No More: Mike Patton is the eccentric savant of the heavy music scene. He's proven that he can be heavy, off-tempo, chaotic, melodic and downright weird. Faith No More was certainly his most marketable band, as far as mass-appeal is concerned; Faith No More was also quite good. That said, I don't own any Faith No More albums but I do own a bunch of Mike Patton stuff. I donâ't know why that is, maybe I need to head to the record store? Mike Patton has made metal, don't get me wrong, but I hesitate to label Faith No More as such.

#29- Caught in a Mosh by Anthrax: Oh my lord, a metal song; a straight-forward, full-on, speed-metal song. I can only imagine that this song was chosen by one of the showâ's shirtless and overly tanned grips who was listening in on the writing staff's voting process.

#28- The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson: When Marilyn Manson first broke into the mainstream musical consciousness, I was pretty nonplused. I saw Mr. Manson as just another player in the game of shock-rockery. Now that I've grown up a bit, albeit a slight bit, I'm willing to acquiesce that these types of musicians/performers have an important role in pop-culture. That role is to provide an effective template to emulate in order to annoy and alienate a good portion of the population. Honestly, I don't know what type of music Marilyn Manson makes? It's a derivative of metal, I guess.

#27- Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden: The best part about this song is the prelude that gives Bruce Dickinson an excuse to belt out "RUUUN TOOOOO THAA HEEAAALLLISSS!" Totally metal.

#26- Refuse/Resist by Sepultura- Brilliant Brazilian Brutality.

#25- Cowboys from Hell by Pantera- Ah, the lone jock has spoken again and offered to us his favorite band of all time- which is also, incidentally, his idea of classic rock- for us all to savor. Pantera is quite metalicious, I'll give them that, I can't say I'd ever be caught dead at one of their shows though. Let's just say that there aren't going to be any Nobel Prizes won by that crowd anytime soon.

#24- Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC: What? How, in any small way, is AC/DC a metal band? San Francisco hipsters are always 'discovering' classic rock through this band and San Francisco hipsters wouldn't know metal if it was dangling from their vintage blazers.

#23- Freak on a Leash by Korn: Yeah, I guess Korn is metal, I just don't really like them. They seem like okay guys, I just don't care for their music much. I'd take them over Marilyn Manson though and at least they don't wear masks.

#22- Enter Sandman by Metallica: I can't help but see this song, and the record it was recorded on (Metallica's 'Black Album'), as the sonic equivalent of the Star Wars prequels. I love Star Wars so I'm willing to pick out the good parts of the prequels and do my best to ignore the bad (Jar-Jar, Mannequin Skywalker, etc.). That said, I'm into this record on many levels but I got so burned out on it by age fourteen that I never need to hear it again. My Friend of Misery is the one exception. I love that bass riff.

#21- Paradise City by Guns N' Roses: Much like AC/DC only complete and utter shit.

#20- I Wanna Rock by Twisted Sister: Twisted Sister is the prime example of the phenomena known as 'metal because we say we are.' There's no way that this band existed before they were signed to a major label. Some guy in a white lab-coat came up with them, and their binder-friendly symbol, in order to milk as much allowance from 8th-graders as possible. I bet Marilyn Manson has all their records.

#19- Man in the Box by Alice in Chains: This song shreds your balls. I lov-(ed) Alice in Chains because they rode the grunge-thing into popularity but were just a down-tempo metal band. Awesome.

#18- Slave to the Grind by Skid Row: Alice in Chains wouldn't piss on Skid Row if they were on fire and I wouldn’t either. Science has proven that playing this song during labor will make your child a transsexual.

#17- Live Wire (kick ass '91 remix mix) by Motley Crue: I know you're thinking, that "remix mix" is redundant and stupid and, guess what, you're right! That isn't a typo, that's really how the good people at VH1, and possibly Motley Crue themselves, wrote that song title. Truthfully, I wouldn't know what the real song is called because I'd never heard it before thirty seconds prior to writing this. I can honestly state that my testicles spontaneously began to shed hair during said listening. I'm not sure what this means but I'm pretty sure it means that Motley Crue sucks serious nard.

#16- Walk by Pantera: How can a song that inspires so many people to punch other people be so boring?

#15- Bulls on Parade by Rage Against the Machine: I'd call Rage "metalesque." The metal influence is undeniable but so are their hip-hop and funk influences. So, I guess this means that this song belongs here 1/3. I don't own any RATM because their lead singer, Zack, is a big vagina.

#14- Toxicity by System of a Down: So many people hated this band (when they first hit the radio) that I had to buy their first album. I'll admit that there were a few tracks on there that I thought were pretty good. Despite the wide-spread hatred of this group, their local radio play has been consistently prodigious and dumbfounding. So much so, that I burned out on them quite quickly and haven't listened to them since the first week I had that record (several years ago). This band is/was odd, which is why I liked them. More to the point, they sounded like Schlong who were infinitely better and who I thought were brilliant. Schlong was frantic and heavy so I guess that makes them kinda metal. The same goes for this band.

#13- Rainbow in the Dark by Dio: Dio's music videos are so awesome that they make me want to dress up like a dwarf warrior and hit stuff with a big ax...

Poor Dio. I just can't take any more cheap shots at the guy, as I have thousands of times in the past. I anticipate that after the whole 'Chuck Norris thing,' on the internet, dies down that Dio is gonna take his place. Cheap shots will resume then.

#12- Bring the Noise by Anthrax: Did I miss something? Does Anthrax still have a huge following out there? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Anthrax but, dude, they were really close to full-on suck by this point in their careers. Thank-fucking-Christ for Nirvana, seriously. There's no way Scott Ian would be AT ALL cool today were it not for that band reminding everybody that there wasnâ't anything complicated about making good music.

#11- Peace Sells by Megadeth: Nothing earth-shattering here but it's metal. If I was a teenager in 1986 I would have been WAY into this band. I wasn't though, so they are more of a novelty to me.

#10- Ace of Spades by Motorhead: Okay, fine, Motorhead is the original speed-metal band. Can I never hear this song again now? Please?

#9- Crazy Train by Ozzy Ozbourne: Post-Sabbath Ozzy just makes me sad. Every time I hear some lame-ass in a Mustang blasting this song on his favorite, shitty, "hard rock" station, I die a little inside.

#8- Raining Blood by Slayer: YES!!! Fucking YES! Now we're talking. I canâ't believe they actually knew that Raining Blood was not Rein in Blood, the title of the album on which this song appears. Incredible.

#7- The Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden: I assume that this is metal but I really don't know because almost nobody has ever made it past this song's intro before falling into a deep, deep sleep. Those that have were too high to remember the experience.

#6- Detroit Rock City by Kiss: Okay, fine, Kiss is a metal band. Guess what? So is Rick Springfield and all the other shit bands the mediocre denizens of America embrace in a fanatical and completely dumbfounding manner. I hate humanity.

#5- You've Got Another Thing Coming by Judas Priest: Hey Halford, swab your poop-deck there, sailor. Ahem, where was I? I was just thinking how punk rock Judas Priest is. I have such respect, Mr. Halford.

Call me.

#4- Back in Black by AC/DC: I just don't get why people are so nuts about AC/DC. They play rock 'n' roll. It's the same song over and over again, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but get's really old, really quickly, if you aren't a die hard fan. Not to mention, they've had multiple lead singers and nobody seems to care (that's never a good thing, you hear me, Van Halen?).

Not to harp on the whole "hipster" thing again but it's a fact: hipsters LOVE AC/DC and I HATE hipsters. There was a time when I used to go to bars a lot and, mark my word, at some point in the evening some asshole would always put on one of the three AC/DC songs that exist. Then everybody in the bar could be seen singing along or bobbing their heads as if to say "wow, here's something I haven't heard since an hour ago, excellent choice." The next day I'd go to work and drive around in the ambulance. I'd switch between three different radio stations of supposedly differing formats, alternative rock, classic rock and modern rock. Each and every one of them would play AC/DC at some point in the day. Sometimes, at the same time. It got to the point where, upon hearing an AC/DC song, I'd immediately start switching the presets to see if the other station was playing the same tune. I swear, if I was ever going to write a thesis that would be the topic. I think the title would be something like Shafted, How AC/DC Has Defined Multiple Generations of Morons.

Not metal.

#3- Master of Puppets by Metallica: To continue the whole Metallica/Star Wars analogy, this song and the record it appears on are like The Empire Strikes Back. Rules.

#2- Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses: I'm seriously disgusted and offended by this. I don't know what I can say to dissuade people away from Guns 'N' Roses that shouldn't be instinctive. If you like this band, you suck and nothing will ever change that. If you agree that this band is better than Slayer, Metallica (episodes IV, V and VI), Alice in Chains, Megadeth, Deep Purple, Faith No More, or fucking Scorpions (for that matter) then I urge you to go for a nice dip at Ocean Beach with a nice little anchor tied to your cock.

#1- Iron Man by Black Sabbath: Okay, Dan Silver confession time:

When I was fourteen I traded Black Sabbath's Paranoid for Radiohead's Pablo Honey. To admit this in public makes me question my sexuality. The thing is I'm pretty sure Radiohead fans get way more laid than Sabbath fans, so maybe I was on to something?

Satan forgive me.
 
 
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