Tired of Halloween?
Truthfully, I don't care what you think about Halloween because you are probably just like every other asshole in this world and you think that Halloween is just peachy. You are, for lack of a better word, retarded because of that. As Halloween sucks so much, I have come up with a six-point plan to abolish Halloween from popular society. Here goes:
1- Give out shitty candy, like Whoppers or arsenic.
2- Carve the following words into your pumpkin- "I love children and not in a friendly way."
3- Answer the door for trick-or-treaters with your fly down and sans underpants.
4- Throw as many Halloween parties as possible. Once everybody is there, announce that it's time to discuss the difference Jesus has made in your life.
5- Publish the abundance of evidence linking diets high in sugar to cancer, heart disease, diabetes (duh), personality disorders, tooth decay, the formation of blood clots (i.e.- stroke, pulmonary emboli, etc.) the exacerbation of asthma and hypertension and the growth of gallstones. Oh, wait, those studies are already all over the US and freely available from the internet or library and yet, for some reason, we still allow our children to eat sugar all day, every day, in the form of juice, soda, "sports drinks," breakfast cereals, baked deserts and candy.
6- I take that back. Hide all that literature regarding the profound impact on healthy living that diets high in sugar cause. Instead, publish the exact opposite. Tell everybody how great sugar is so all you fat, lazy, decadent, sugar-inhaling lame-asses will just fucking die already and take your shitty holiday with you. |
