1- No more ridiculous double standards for men and women: our sisters can be shirtless as well, should they so choose.
The glass ceiling is, and will always be, firmly in place until this is corrected. They're just boobs, California. They won't hurt anybody. Get over it. Let the puppies out.
Just remember to sunscreen-up, ladies.
2- If you own a bar and want to keep it open 24/7, feel free.
I seriously do not understand why California's citizenry feels compelled to flood its streets with drunken drivers between the hours of 0115 and 0200 every Friday and Saturday nights. Why this needs to change:
A. If we kept the bars open all night, people who were going to drive drunk would at least not all be on the road at the same time.
B. As there would be no rush to get those last drinks in before closing, I think that binge drinking would decrease as well. Violent crime would decrease, as would alcohol-related ER visits.
C. Those that do shift-work would not have to race to meet friends for drinks before last call.
D. The economy would be stimulated (booze costs money; people would give that money to bar employees in exchange for the booze of which I speak).
3- Slot machines! Slot machines! Slot machines!
Slot machines are awesome. They are fun. Case in point: the State of Nevada. Nevada is cool. Ever been to a grocery store in Nevada? There are slot machines in there. Ever been to a bar in Nevada? Slot machines. Public pool? You know it. Church? Slots and video poker. Retirement villa? Yep. Any school grades K through 12? Bam.
Go grocery shopping in California: boring as hell.
Nevada is three times less boring than California, and there are two reasons for it: the bars stay open all night (see point #2), and you can gamble pretty much anywhere.
4- Immediate institution of my cutting edge Slingshots for Kids program.
It's all part of a grand sociological experiment I have in mind. Trust me on this one.
5- No more morning radio.
I -- along with anyone who has a soul -- hate morning radio with a wild, burning passion. I refuse to believe that commuters, who are on their respective ways to work and therefore pissed, have any desire to hear a rowdy bunch of buffoons talk ad nauseam about celebrity gossip such as Lindsay Lohan's latest trip to rehab or whatnot. Nor is there any chance in hell that listening to fat, pathetic forty-somethings narrate their viewings of bag-eyed, groggy strippers removing their undergarments could be appealing.
Morning radio is the perfect example of the opposite of the principle of supply and demand. I'll elaborate: For some reason, some schmuck who had a radio station once heard DJs Spanky and Gaytard (or Wildman and The Cheeze; you get the idea) making crank calls on his rival's morning program and decided to find a Spanky and Gaytard of his own. Then, another radio station owner saw that two stations had lame morning shows. Said owner figured he'd better get with the times... and VIOLA! No more music. We get to hear people who only have to work for four hours a day (and by "work" I mean "not work at all really" flaunt their minor celebrity in our poorly-caffeinated faces. Well, we are mad as hell, and aren't going to take it anymore.
6- You can buy beer at age eighteen. You buy guns at twenty-one.
I think it's self-explanatory to the bulk of society why this would make more sense. Unless, of course, you're one of those NRA people who thinks that one man and his .50 caliber rifle are going to be able to fend off the two and a half million soldiers in the Chinese armed forces.
7- If you commit a felony in my home town, you go to jail until you debt to society is paid. If you come from another place specifically to commit a felony in my city, the police are allowed to kick the crap out of you - then they seize your assets and distribute them to victim(s) of your crime - then you go to jail, as do your children.
Ever walk through the Tenderloin area of San Francisco? No? Well, it's a shithole. There are -- at any given time and without exaggeration -- hundreds of crimes taking place every hour in the Tenderloin. This wouldn't be such an issue, as every city has a "skid row," were said district not directly next to the hub of San Francisco's tourism: Union Square.
The real kicker is that most of the violent thugs and/or crack dealers in the area are from Richmond or Oakland, not SF. People who come to my home (country, state or town) specifically to screw it up really, really piss me off. So, as Governor of California and with this in mind, said traveling criminals shall face gratuitous pimp-slapping, asset seizure and imprisonment.
And so will their children. Phhbbbtttt.
8- If shall be harder to become a parent then to be a licensed driver.
Again, I'm either preaching to the choir about this or you're cursing me to eternal damnation.
Either way, I'm sill right.
9- Get a job.
You needn't be a doctor, CEO or a state senator; just get a goddamn job please. Mop a floor; wash a dish; do something, anything. Contribute. Stop taking and give back a bit. Would it kill you?
What's that? It would? Well, have a nice trip to TJ, son, because we are instituting a body-for-body swap program with Mexico for people who don't mind working for a living. If you fail to establish employment after five years of living on the dole, you get shipped off south of the border and an eager Latino or Latina gets your home, car, cash and my sincere, heartfelt welcome.
10- No hippies.
Also to be swapped for hard-working Mexican nationals. |