Gladiator
Unlike my dumb review of Brokeback Mountain, which was so noteworthy because I never
actually saw the film, I have seen Gladiator... a number of times. I've just never seen it from
start to finish in one viewing. Nor, for that matter, have I completely pieced together the
continuity in my head, because I only seem to catch the flick when it's on cable in
twenty-or-so minute segments. So, I'm not entirely sure what the story is about. It seems to
be a very complicated script. Here's what I've pieced together about it so far:
Russell Crowe plays a slave named, Max Headroom.
Max lives in the Roman Empire, a few thousand years ago.
Max doesnt own a shirt.
Max's beard doesn't ever get past about four days of growth, despite what I assume was far
lesser shaving technology available in Rome. Back then, they were probably still on the
'Turbo' series razor, significantly behind the currency 'Mach' crop.
Max has a token black friend, and is also pals with the Russian guy who Rocky fought in
Rocky III. (Wait, was it IV? The one where he fights the Russian guy who wears the Red,
White and Blue trunks - the guy with the big afro - and then he lifts logs in a barn after taking
out a whole squad of National Guardsmen; that's the one I'm talking about. Seen that? Not
bad.)
Max used to be somebody; he used to be a contender.
A lady got run over by a horse, which was dramatic.
Max stabs a whiney, annoying Joaquin Phoenix to death in what can only be described as
the greatest thing to ever happen to the character portrayed by Mr. Phoenix.
Max fights a giant tiger that's pulling a chariot carting be-speared pygmies of foul, foul
temperament.
Max meets Joaquin Phoenix's wife. She is quite attractive and into S&M.
I'm pretty sure they hump for like hours and hours, but it's edited down to not actually being
depicted at all.
Romans think Max is cool, so cool that they build a stadium in his honor called The
Thunderdome. The stupid name makes Max mad. Hence, the many sequels showcasing his
future nickname.
Joaquin Phoenix's wife's son (Did that make any sense?) thinks Max is cool too. He is later
left alone during the Christmas holiday season by accident. Hilarity ensues when Joe Pesci
and Daniel Stern try to break in his house.
Joaquin Phoenix's wife's son is trampled to death by horses also. There's a lot of that in this
movie.
Two different warring factions of frogmen duke it out under the seas over the control and
ownership of a rogue nuclear warhead.
Max is disemboweled by the minions of the evil King of England. His last utterance is a
tortured, Adriaaaaaaaaannn!!!
The end.
I like Russell Crowe, but I'm pretty sure I could hate him easily. He does seem to be heading
down the dark road paved by Mel Gibson, his nutty Aussie pal. Think there's something in
the water down there pushing Australia's most famous cinematic exports over the brink.
Oh, yeah. It's booze.
Booze seems to affect Australian members of the film business in a horrible, evil way. One
need not look any further than Yahoo Serious to illustrate this point. Who was that guy, and
why did somebody feel compelled to put him in major motion pictures? Was the singer of
Men at Work not available the week they were casting Young Einstein. And on that note:
damn that cursed movie for corrupting my childhood knowledge of the history of New
Zealand's greatest scientist!
Somewhat on topic: if the Bored of the Rings Trilogy is any indicator, the water in that part
of the world is thirty percent THC. Now that I re-read the above description, Gladiator
makes no sense whatsoever. I like it though.
Tigers must pay.
Unlike my dumb review of Brokeback Mountain, which was so noteworthy because I never
actually saw the film, I have seen Gladiator... a number of times. I've just never seen it from
start to finish in one viewing. Nor, for that matter, have I completely pieced together the
continuity in my head, because I only seem to catch the flick when it's on cable in
twenty-or-so minute segments. So, I'm not entirely sure what the story is about. It seems to
be a very complicated script. Here's what I've pieced together about it so far:
Russell Crowe plays a slave named, Max Headroom.
Max lives in the Roman Empire, a few thousand years ago.
Max doesnt own a shirt.
Max's beard doesn't ever get past about four days of growth, despite what I assume was far
lesser shaving technology available in Rome. Back then, they were probably still on the
'Turbo' series razor, significantly behind the currency 'Mach' crop.
Max has a token black friend, and is also pals with the Russian guy who Rocky fought in
Rocky III. (Wait, was it IV? The one where he fights the Russian guy who wears the Red,
White and Blue trunks - the guy with the big afro - and then he lifts logs in a barn after taking
out a whole squad of National Guardsmen; that's the one I'm talking about. Seen that? Not
bad.)
Max used to be somebody; he used to be a contender.
A lady got run over by a horse, which was dramatic.
Max stabs a whiney, annoying Joaquin Phoenix to death in what can only be described as
the greatest thing to ever happen to the character portrayed by Mr. Phoenix.
Max fights a giant tiger that's pulling a chariot carting be-speared pygmies of foul, foul
temperament.
Max meets Joaquin Phoenix's wife. She is quite attractive and into S&M.
I'm pretty sure they hump for like hours and hours, but it's edited down to not actually being
depicted at all.
Romans think Max is cool, so cool that they build a stadium in his honor called The
Thunderdome. The stupid name makes Max mad. Hence, the many sequels showcasing his
future nickname.
Joaquin Phoenix's wife's son (Did that make any sense?) thinks Max is cool too. He is later
left alone during the Christmas holiday season by accident. Hilarity ensues when Joe Pesci
and Daniel Stern try to break in his house.
Joaquin Phoenix's wife's son is trampled to death by horses also. There's a lot of that in this
movie.
Two different warring factions of frogmen duke it out under the seas over the control and
ownership of a rogue nuclear warhead.
Max is disemboweled by the minions of the evil King of England. His last utterance is a
tortured, Adriaaaaaaaaannn!!!
The end.
I like Russell Crowe, but I'm pretty sure I could hate him easily. He does seem to be heading
down the dark road paved by Mel Gibson, his nutty Aussie pal. Think there's something in
the water down there pushing Australia's most famous cinematic exports over the brink.
Oh, yeah. It's booze.
Booze seems to affect Australian members of the film business in a horrible, evil way. One
need not look any further than Yahoo Serious to illustrate this point. Who was that guy, and
why did somebody feel compelled to put him in major motion pictures? Was the singer of
Men at Work not available the week they were casting Young Einstein. And on that note:
damn that cursed movie for corrupting my childhood knowledge of the history of New
Zealand's greatest scientist!
Somewhat on topic: if the Bored of the Rings Trilogy is any indicator, the water in that part
of the world is thirty percent THC. Now that I re-read the above description, Gladiator
makes no sense whatsoever. I like it though.
Tigers must pay.
