Wow, another jackass with a website has decided to grace the world with his thoughts about this fresh and exciting topic. I understand your reluctance to delve deeply into such an article as this subject has been done to death. However, I have decided not to review a specific game or console. Rather I've chose to compile a list of rules, accepted practices and notes about video gaming. I'm not doing this so much as a public service; I just need something to get me away from the TV for a while because in the last three days all I've done is veg out and shoot digital Nazis in Europe or digital terrorists in Las Vegas. On with the list:
1- It is perfectly acceptable to call in sick to work after staying up too late playing a video game. It is not, I repeat NOT, acceptable to do the same if one has stayed up too late participating in a role playing game campaign like Dungeons and Dragons. But, if you do stay up too late playing D&D, you probably don't have to worry about calling in sick to work because there is no way that your nerd-ass has a job. Pretty much all the average D&D player has to worry about is his mom waking him up too early with the vacuum and making him one of those little 'egg in the middle of a piece of toast' things for breakfast.
2- Playing 'first person shooter' type games online with people from around the world is acceptable and encouraged. Forming teams to do so, having scheduled practices and actually competing for cash and prizes is teetering on the edge of rampant gayness. Taking said team online to rip the shit out of average Joes and twelve year old kids is the only way to engage in professional, organized gaming and still retain one's testicles.
3- Perving out on female video game characters is always good times. Consequently, so is pressing the pause button or maneuvering the character in such a manner so as to see down her shirt or up her skirt. She doesn't mind. She isn't real. Have a blast. Just don't let any real women know that you do this.
4- Gamers who are over the age of twenty-one automatically get a handicap against those gamers who are not of legal drinking age, regardless of whether or not they are actually drinking at the time they are gaming. However, if one is over the age of twenty-one, playing a game and drinking a soda, milk or juice, one is a total pussy. Coffee and water are neutral. Tea is a little more on the fem side.
5- If a person starts playing video games first thing in the morning, the day shall be officially declared a 'bust.' Any and all productive activities- exercise, chores, errands, or putting pants on for example- that take place thereafter in behalf of the gamer earn him or her triple the amount of gratitude and respect normally given out by the roommates, parents, wife, etc.
6- When playing cooperatively, one five minute break is allowed per hour. This time is the designated period in which one is allowed to urinate, get a snack, grab another beer or check on the baby to make sure it's still breathing. At the conclusion of this period, the game will be un-paused and continued regardless of the current readiness of the break using party (be they pooping, eating, or giving an infant mouth-to-mouth).
7- When gaming, dogs are allowed on the couch. Friends are not necessarily so allowed.
8- No matter how painful and terrible it may be, you must play at least one game-hour (fifty-five minutes because of the previously mentioned break) of a shitty game so you have a factual basis for your hatred and can effectively warn others about how much it blows.
9- Games based on movies will always suck.
10- Comic books based on video games will probably suck.
11- Video games based on comics are hit and miss.
12- Movies based on games will not necessarily suck but you should still be embarrassed about seeing them. You may only own two gaming consoles of the same generation at once. A one for one borrow/swap is permitted with a friend but only two current consoles are allowed in the house at the same time. Computers do not count as gaming consoles. Consider this a freebee.
13- If playing a Nintendo Wii exhausts you, you are a pussy of such gigantic magnitude that you are banned from gaming until your fat, out of shape ass can run a very modest nine minute mile, perform five consecutive pull-ups, thirty consecutive pushups and forty consecutive situps.
14- Don't ever purchase any console title containing the following words: poker, Superman, extreme, Matrix, animal, dragon, final, fantasy, Final Fantasy, or Luigi.
15- If you're the type of person that plays a game on the PC and then plays it again when it's released on a console, you're a retard. Seriously, bro, branch out.
16- Excepting the staff involved in its production, nobody has ever read an entire article in a video game magazine. Furthermore, there is nothing in a game magazine that cannot be digested in the average time used by a pooping session. It will only take three such sessions to make it through the whole text.
17- Friendly fire is not only kosher, it's hysterical.
18- If you are a game designer who makes a game that does not feature a 'jump' button- in order to use things like fences, curbs, rocks, a line of metal lunch boxes, etc. as boundaries for the level- you deserve to die a horrible death. The same goes for those of you who include a jump button but make it inoperable in certain situations and/or for certain obstacles. That is equally maddening. Either I can jump on a three foot crate or I can't. That whole 'immersion' thing is a little difficult to pull off if the character can't effectively negotiate a fire hydrant.
19- If you are a game designer who makes a game that has regimented save points (also known as checkpoints) in a game, you had better make damn sure that there are a shitload of them on every level. Otherwise, just leave the saves up to the player. Is there anybody on this planet who thinks that it's fun to replay the same half an hour over and over again trying to get past a certain obstacle or challenge? No, there isn't. Not in the non-OCD suffering populous. You, Mr. Nosave Designer, also seek death at the gnawing mouths of a million rodents.
20- You don't 'grow out' of video games. You just give up on life and become an utter bore. It's like what happens when your good buddy becomes a born-again or gets really into jazz.
21- It's okay to use cover to your advantage while sending your AI squad to shoot it out with the enemy -- if you have a vagina. Be a man. Lead from the front.
22- Attention makers of driving, snowboarding and really any racing game of any kind: if I wanted to hear the same ricockulous song over and over again I'd just pick a song randomly from your Ipod and hit 'repeat.' Seriously, enough with the terrible techno, hip-hop and emo crap. It's either Slayer or nothing.
23- Human greed never ceases to amaze me. I spend $500.00+ on a new system and I still have to pay twelve dollars to download and play Galaga. It's like going to a four star resort in Maui, dropping a few grand to be there, and still paying twenty dollars for a cheeseburger by the pool. I hereby declare this against the rules. Dumb games from years passed, which possess only a limited amount of entertainment value, are now freebees. Commence, Xbox Live.
24- Games based on anime will always suck but for some reason will still be bought and played by the lowest common denominator. This ends now. Only you can stop the cycle of shitty game production.
25- Handheld game systems are never worth the money or fun for more than a day.
26- Violence is not the fault of video gaming; violence is the fault of assholes. That's all I'm going to say about this because it's not a funny subject.
27- He who owns next-gen console but does not own a high-definition TV has poor prioritization skills and a childish grasp of technological advances.
28- As most new consoles have the ability to access the internet for content updates, online play and other downloads, it's silly if one can't browse the web as well. Especially when it's a Microsoft product that can interface with my PC's Media Center. Bottom line: I want to look at internet porn on my big-screen.
29- If a game is causing you to contemplate violence against your property and/or loved ones, it's time to take a break.
30- If a game is ridiculously easy most of the time and then suddenly impossible- this usually happens in the 'boss' battle areas- the game blows.
31- Games now routinely feature swearing and gratuitous violence. Where are the glorious, abundant bare breasts?
32- Good online play does not a substitute for a coherent one-player experience make.
33- No matter how large one's TV is, split screen cooperative play is always a pain in the ass.
34- When playing a cooperative campaign, it is expected that one person will be better than the other. It is further expected that the lesser skilled of the two parties shall not complain when the more skilled player occasionally fires a couple of shots into the lesser skilled player so as to remind him or her who is boss.
35- There is never any need to purchase a custom controller. Unless it's in the shape of a guitar. Like in Guitar Hero. That game looks like a kick in the ass.
36- In World War II, members of your squad really want you to shoot them in the back.
37- Pistols are apparently just as accurate as long guns.
38- Driving is really hard.
39- Nobody is so morally scrupulous that they are above exploiting an advantageous flaw in a game.
40- Fuck sniper rifles. Seriously. You guys cheat so hard. |
