| You can totally tell what these movies are about just by looking at the DVD cover. Don't believe me? Here you go... |
At a glance: Troy is about a man in a short mini-skirt with a big sword. The
skirted man get's really passionate about something and then decides that sweating
will help the situation. Skirted man then makes millions of dollars despite repeated,
disastrous, career decisions and sucking big donkey-dick at dramatic roles.
skirted man get's really passionate about something and then decides that sweating
will help the situation. Skirted man then makes millions of dollars despite repeated,
disastrous, career decisions and sucking big donkey-dick at dramatic roles.
At a glance: Backdraft is about a man who, despite repeated warnings to the
contrary, walks into flaming buildings in an effort to look cool for nearby
photographers. Luckily our hero can't see the stairs in front of him because of the
blinding light produced by the fire. Hero then trips over said stairs, falls to the
ground, breaks his neck, and lives the rest of his life as a disabled man trying to
learn to paint with his left foot. This movie probably has a cameo by Jennifer Jason
Leigh, thereby making it totally un-watchable.
contrary, walks into flaming buildings in an effort to look cool for nearby
photographers. Luckily our hero can't see the stairs in front of him because of the
blinding light produced by the fire. Hero then trips over said stairs, falls to the
ground, breaks his neck, and lives the rest of his life as a disabled man trying to
learn to paint with his left foot. This movie probably has a cameo by Jennifer Jason
Leigh, thereby making it totally un-watchable.
At a glance: This film is actually capable of shrinking your testicles as you watch
it. Therefore, don't.
it. Therefore, don't.
At a glance: Andy Gibb's directorial debut, prior to his death. A heart warming
tale about one man's struggle with living a normal, nuclear, family life by day and
roaming the streets at night as a transvestite cab driver.
tale about one man's struggle with living a normal, nuclear, family life by day and
roaming the streets at night as a transvestite cab driver.
At a glance: Yet another film that should have shower scene, after shower scene,
after shower scene. Or maybe Jeff Goldblum turning into a giant man-fly thing
and killing a bunch of people. It, however, has neither. Instead it has a script that
somehow managed to make it through the entire production process without
anybody actually reading it.
after shower scene. Or maybe Jeff Goldblum turning into a giant man-fly thing
and killing a bunch of people. It, however, has neither. Instead it has a script that
somehow managed to make it through the entire production process without
anybody actually reading it.
At a glance: Sean Connery plays a pimp who's stable of regular, Asian, whores
has run away to Alcatraz. As a result of this situation, he decides to regulate a
little, busts out the boom-stick and recruits two of his most regular (and in-debt)
customers to lug his extra ammo around. Fortunately, the Asian hookers enlist
the help of John Woo to make a far superior action movie that doesn't involve
retarded, predictable, Nicholas Cage banter.
has run away to Alcatraz. As a result of this situation, he decides to regulate a
little, busts out the boom-stick and recruits two of his most regular (and in-debt)
customers to lug his extra ammo around. Fortunately, the Asian hookers enlist
the help of John Woo to make a far superior action movie that doesn't involve
retarded, predictable, Nicholas Cage banter.
At a glance: Bill Cosby has a whole bunch of unprotected sex with women of
varying skin tone.
varying skin tone.
At a glance: One woman's trip to Mandalay Bay, no swimsuits, fourteen
Kamikaze shots and one huge mistake.
Kamikaze shots and one huge mistake.
At a glance: Genius.
At a glance: One Fisherman's trip to Mandalay Bay, no lifeboats, fourteen
Kamikaze shots, and one huge mistake.
Kamikaze shots, and one huge mistake.
At a glance: A big-ass boat filled with dumb-ass, cheeseball, romance being
piloted by a man who, because he directed The Terminator, seems to think that
he is capable of making anything worth watching that doesn't invlove a
semi-truck crashing into a police car, or through a concrete barrier.
James Cameron is to The Terminator what Sting is to The Police.
piloted by a man who, because he directed The Terminator, seems to think that
he is capable of making anything worth watching that doesn't invlove a
semi-truck crashing into a police car, or through a concrete barrier.
James Cameron is to The Terminator what Sting is to The Police.
At a glance: Jodi Foster is so sick of Matthew McConaughey's smug,
self-importance that she decides to drown him out with a variety of premium
satellite cable channels, rivaled only by members of the Saudi Royal Family. She
lives a happy life knowing that The L-Word will always be available.
self-importance that she decides to drown him out with a variety of premium
satellite cable channels, rivaled only by members of the Saudi Royal Family. She
lives a happy life knowing that The L-Word will always be available.
Scroll down for updates.
At a glance: Josh Harnett stars in the best movie ever that doesn't have ONE
chick in it.
chick in it.
At a glance: Pierce Brosnan is forced to kill time between James Bond flicks
by hanging out with some total has-been actress who we all don't care about
one bit.
by hanging out with some total has-been actress who we all don't care about
one bit.
At a glance: Nicolas Cage, in a moment of what can only be described as
'clarity,' runs Angelina Jolie over with a 73 Camaro and consequently saves us
all from having to watch a prime piece of ass turn in to Joan Crawford.
'clarity,' runs Angelina Jolie over with a 73 Camaro and consequently saves us
all from having to watch a prime piece of ass turn in to Joan Crawford.
At a glance: A young pilot struggles with the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy of the
US Military. His only confidant, a fag-hag lunch lady from the local high-school
for "special" children, helps him with life's major issues, such as guys, genital
warts and what kind of retarded denim outfit he will look best on the floor of
some bear's apartment.
US Military. His only confidant, a fag-hag lunch lady from the local high-school
for "special" children, helps him with life's major issues, such as guys, genital
warts and what kind of retarded denim outfit he will look best on the floor of
some bear's apartment.
At a glance: A bald Kung-Fu master, pretending to be a monk, really pisses off
two chicks who both buy the line "just this once I'll break my vow of celibacy."
two chicks who both buy the line "just this once I'll break my vow of celibacy."
At a glance: Michael J. Fox is a doctor who, apparently, is a hit with the ladies
because he owns a cool red convertable. Woody Harrelson, how do I put this,
likes to watch and sometimes...
Jerk off.
Parental guidance is recommended.
because he owns a cool red convertable. Woody Harrelson, how do I put this,
likes to watch and sometimes...
Jerk off.
Parental guidance is recommended.
At a glance: Stephen Segal shoots himself. The movie lasts thirty seconds.
The world rejoices. The chick is just there so his one fan doesn't feel bad
knowing he dies alone.
So alone.
The world rejoices. The chick is just there so his one fan doesn't feel bad
knowing he dies alone.
So alone.
At a glance: Julia Roberts finds herself torn between two lovers who are, oddly
enough, more or less the same person- only with differing lengths of facial hair.
Hilarity ensues.
But only for a second, then it's just boring as fuck for an hour and a half.
enough, more or less the same person- only with differing lengths of facial hair.
Hilarity ensues.
But only for a second, then it's just boring as fuck for an hour and a half.
At a glance: A high-school freshman tries to figure out a name for his band that
simultaneously captures their "edgy" sound and will look cool written on a binder.
simultaneously captures their "edgy" sound and will look cool written on a binder.
At a glance: Soft-core pornography made entirely to play late at night on
Cinemax, to those of us who really want to order those Girls Gone Wild vids but
don't want to walk all the way over to the phone.
Cinemax, to those of us who really want to order those Girls Gone Wild vids but
don't want to walk all the way over to the phone.
At a glance: Similar to the first one but with half the budget, one quarter of
the star power and ten percent of the ass worth unbuttoning the pants for.
the star power and ten percent of the ass worth unbuttoning the pants for.
At a glance: A pair of young lovers get stuck in their in-laws' cabin and
forced to watch vacation slide-shows until they all go to bed at like six-thirty.
They then try to have quiet sex but, mysteriously, the chick has a "headache"
which totally kills the mood. The male young lover winds up falling asleep in
the middle of the "talk" they are having and suffers a sexual drought which
lasts until far after they leave the cabin. Ironically enough, the in-laws totally
bone the whole time the kids are visiting which accounts for why they go to
bed so early.
forced to watch vacation slide-shows until they all go to bed at like six-thirty.
They then try to have quiet sex but, mysteriously, the chick has a "headache"
which totally kills the mood. The male young lover winds up falling asleep in
the middle of the "talk" they are having and suffers a sexual drought which
lasts until far after they leave the cabin. Ironically enough, the in-laws totally
bone the whole time the kids are visiting which accounts for why they go to
bed so early.
At a glance: The sequel to, what was critically acclaimed as, the best movie
about a sword-wielding, black, vampire-hunter with a NFL star (circa 1989)
haircut.
about a sword-wielding, black, vampire-hunter with a NFL star (circa 1989)
haircut.
At a glance: A documentary about the mud-people of Guana, who's primary
form of currency is shark teeth. Oddly enough, most Guananians (?) choose
to blow most of their shark teeth on pictures, movies and live appearances
of white chicks with big titties.
form of currency is shark teeth. Oddly enough, most Guananians (?) choose
to blow most of their shark teeth on pictures, movies and live appearances
of white chicks with big titties.
At a glance: Um, there's planets and pretty white people and, er, other shit.
At a glance: A collection of concert footage, made by ex-members of the
band GWAR, who have now toned-down their image and started an
electronic performance collective (i.e.- there's no more blood). They're
currently all the rage in Germany.
band GWAR, who have now toned-down their image and started an
electronic performance collective (i.e.- there's no more blood). They're
currently all the rage in Germany.
At a glance: A goth girl struggles to erase all memory of her ex-boyfriend,
who had a penchant for retarded tattoos inspired by the airbrushed crap on
the sides of lowriders.
who had a penchant for retarded tattoos inspired by the airbrushed crap on
the sides of lowriders.
At a glance: Joss Whedon runs out of ideas and, like the rest of Hollywood,
decides to make a movie out of a cancelled TV series.
decides to make a movie out of a cancelled TV series.
At a glance: A work of brilliance and also, incidentally, a very good litmus
test to figure out which girls are worth calling back after the first time you
screw.
test to figure out which girls are worth calling back after the first time you
screw.
At a glance: A heartbreaking story of redemption in which no good deed
goes unpunished... with Nazis.
So, in other words, skip it and rent Romper Stomper instead. That's got
Russell Crowe pre-steroids and really graphic sex scenes. Not only that but
the Nazis get their asses kicked which makes my Jew-half happy.
goes unpunished... with Nazis.
So, in other words, skip it and rent Romper Stomper instead. That's got
Russell Crowe pre-steroids and really graphic sex scenes. Not only that but
the Nazis get their asses kicked which makes my Jew-half happy.
At a glance: Ralph Fines is pissed because he keeps having this totally
awesome dream (in which he meets this super-hot girl and flies a sea-plane
over the desert) but the fucking guy with the leafblower, next door, keeps
waking his ass up before he can ever "close the deal."
awesome dream (in which he meets this super-hot girl and flies a sea-plane
over the desert) but the fucking guy with the leafblower, next door, keeps
waking his ass up before he can ever "close the deal."
At a glance: An Austrian indy-flick, which is banned in the United States but
coveted by ACLU members because it features heavy sexual overtones and
nudity between an old man (who likes to play "dress-up," if you get my
meaning) and his violin student.
Very few children were harmed in the making of this movie.
coveted by ACLU members because it features heavy sexual overtones and
nudity between an old man (who likes to play "dress-up," if you get my
meaning) and his violin student.
Very few children were harmed in the making of this movie.
At a glance: Bruce Willis is still way pissed that he was the only major
Hollywood actor not included in the cast of Blackhawk Down.
Hollywood actor not included in the cast of Blackhawk Down.
At a glance: The story of your caucasian friend (the one who took Karate
lessons for like three months but insists on the proper Japanese
pronunciations for the moves) who only dates Asian chicks but denies his
obvious fetish, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary... As told
by the other side.
lessons for like three months but insists on the proper Japanese
pronunciations for the moves) who only dates Asian chicks but denies his
obvious fetish, despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary... As told
by the other side.
At a glance: The gayest movie ever made... Wait a minute, Nicolas Cage is in
this one also?
Pick me up off the floor.
this one also?
Pick me up off the floor.
At a glance: What should have just been a re-make of Beastmaster but,
instead, was just a major motion picture studio's effort to cash in on the
unemployed nerds that seem to dictate American cinema over the last few
years.
Harry Potter will be butt-raped in prison one day, mark my word.
instead, was just a major motion picture studio's effort to cash in on the
unemployed nerds that seem to dictate American cinema over the last few
years.
Harry Potter will be butt-raped in prison one day, mark my word.
At a glance: The heartbreaking story of an actor (who begins his career
starring in one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever and ends up only
able to find work in various piles of crap shat out by directors like Wes
Craven) and his descent into alcoholism.
starring in one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever and ends up only
able to find work in various piles of crap shat out by directors like Wes
Craven) and his descent into alcoholism.
At a glance: The sequel to the previously described documentary that deals
with the same actor's struggle with his disturbing penchant to be fellated
b... Is that a fucking Scottish guy?
with the same actor's struggle with his disturbing penchant to be fellated
b... Is that a fucking Scottish guy?
At a glance: The remake of the two, previously described
documentaries. This one, for some reason, stars Natalie Portman and
'Thing' from the Adams Family.
documentaries. This one, for some reason, stars Natalie Portman and
'Thing' from the Adams Family.
At a glance: The unedited version where, at the end, Thing somehow
winds up in Ms. Portman's vagina. I'm not sure why they cut this part
out of the theatrical release as it's tastefully done. Kinda.
winds up in Ms. Portman's vagina. I'm not sure why they cut this part
out of the theatrical release as it's tastefully done. Kinda.
At a glance: Jason Lee proves that, he too, can be totally mediocre...
Right up to the point where Thing, somehow, winds up in his vagina.
It's a weird show.
Right up to the point where Thing, somehow, winds up in his vagina.
It's a weird show.