That feels kind of like an admission of alcoholism at an AA meeting, but it's the truth. In the recent history of me as of the time I wrote this; not as of when I actually will post this, because I am notoriously late for my own non-existent deadlines -- I got up early after a night of moderate drinking; left my coworkers, who were on the business trip with me in the hotel room; and walked my ass over from the Courtyard Marriot to the main gates of the Magic Kindom, and its boring, awkward cousin, California Adventure.
I did not get laid or drunk, but I had about as much fun as one can have. I went on all the major rides, which I will review for you now, as sort of a Dan Silver Disney Travel Guide. I'll go in order of how I rode them too, because it's easier for me that way and I'm forcing you to care. Look, at least I don't have kids so you don't have to suffer through pictures of them.
And, being me, despite how much fun I had, I can find fault in anything. Ratings are on a ten-scale.
1- Pirates of the Caribbean: Used to be my favorite ride. Now it's filled with gaytardedness.
Have I told you how much I despise the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movies that proved how stupid humans are via their ridiculous box-office earnings? Well, I do. So, so bad. Don't understand how anybody can sit through more than ten minutes of anything with the Knightley/Bloom combination. Barf. Well, the geniuses at Disney decided to remodel the POTC ride and throw in a bunch of stuff from the movie, stuff that doesn't really make too much sense and seems contrived -- because it is. This ride gets a 5... and Orlando Bloom should die.
2- Haunted Mansion: Couldn't ride it because it broke down after I waited for twenty minutes. This gets an incomplete. I'll note that they remodeled/redecorated the ride for Christmas in the theme of Tim Burton’s, The Nightmare Before Christmas. We all know how I feel about Tim Burton (he's an ass), so it's probably best that I didn't go.
3- Coffee Stand: Okay, not actually a ride, but the cup of coffee only cost me like eight dollars, and I was hung over. This gets a solid 7.
4- Space Mountain: Rad. 9. Would be a 10 if somebody added a loop or a corkscrew in there.
5- Splash Mountain: Arguably filled with the most annoying songs and animatronics ever. Yet, I had to go on it twice to get the picture from the big plunge just right. Fun enough - horrible songs aside - but would have been better without the shivering and chafing for the rest of the day. 6.
6- Big Thunder Railroad: Not really all that fun, but it crashed recently, and I heard somebody died, which added an extra little je ne sais quoi. Plus, it's the first coaster I ever went on when I was like two. This made it as least as fun as Coffee Stand. 7.
I then walked over to California Adventure. This park was inexplicable in its randomness. First off, there were about four people total in the park, which made it kinda eerie. I kept expecting to find out I was the last man on earth, and find the overly-wide streets littered with mummified, mouse ear-adorned corpses status-post nuclear fallout or something. Instead, I found an amusement park that seemed to have been an attempt to replicate Knots Berry Farm in its general malaise and feeling of incompleteness. Even the beer garden was empty and uncomfortable. How is that possible?
But, then I found three rides that almost made me forget how sad and dreary California Adventure is:
7- California Screamin': So goddamn smooth. Not an ounce of chiropractic adjustment needed and big thrills. It even has a loop. 10.
8- This Thing That Shoots You About A Mile Into the Air At Four Hundred Miles Per Hour And Has A Puke Shield Built Into The Harness: I screamed profanity the likes of I've never heard when that thing shot up. Example: "Pussycockdoglickerfuckinghell!" Totally fun. 10.
9- Tower of Terror: I don't know what made Tower of Terror so awesome, but it was. It could have been the immaculate decor during the line to the ride itself. That certainly had a bit to do with it. Then there were the actors/ride attendants, who played along with the schtick very nicely. And, of course, let's not forget the ride: a turbulent elevator simulation complete with impressive light and sound effects. There's a big surprise in there too, when the elevator hits the "top floor" and the riders can see out across both of Disney's sprawling parks. If you go to Disneyland in the near future, go on his ride. Also, bring a friend who screams like a girl. Or, if you know anyone who is prone to pant-wetting -- You get the idea -- it'll be doubly awesome. This one went to 11.
Walked back over to the main park.
10- Indiana Jones: I can't remember why I liked this ride so much before. It's probably because I was much younger when I first rode it. It's fun, I guess. The decorations and ambiance are both pretty cool, as are the animatronics. But the guy who does the voice of Indiana Jones sounds nothing like Harrison Ford -- nothing. Decor/mood aside, honestly, this ride is pretty much just like driving with one of my stupid friends during a night on the town. Not even that fun really, because you aren't allowed to throw beer cans out of the window and/or give nearby cars a sample of the old "pressed ham." 6. |
