Let's Talk, David Fincher
Man, have you lost your mind? Have you run out of inspiration? Is it all the weed? You know, Robert Downey Jr. says marijuana is the greatest duller of sharp edges out there. I’m just saying, if you need help, I can steer you in the right direction. I know of a local N.A. meeting that is filled with people who aren’t TOTALLY creepy. Sure, some of them might be convicted sex offenders or the kind of heroin addicts who used up all of the good veins and were forced to use that one on the top of their wieners that gets all ugly and distended when the ol’ spinnaker catches the wind. But that’s only Jeff, and he’s mostly harmless if you remember to wash your hands after he hugs you.
Jeff is kinda grabby. FYI.
I’m off track here – look, dude, I love your work. Mostly. Let’s go over your motion picture director’s catalogue for a moment.
Alien 3: Good.
Se7en: Badass.
The Game: Badass… even though Sean Penn was in it.
Fight Club: Super-duper awesome.
Panic Room: Um, moving on…
Zodiac: Badass.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Didn’t see it. Didn’t really want to. I hear it’s okay though.
This brings us to your latest release, due to drop upon the world’s big screens in a few short days: The Social Network.
Okay, here’s the thing, Dave, I’m not saying that there isn’t drama in the riveting tale of two nerds arguing about who invented the world’s most popular social networking website. I’m sure people who are really, really into the intricacies of computer programming will be very interested in the character study of smart college kids, one of whom made lots of money and the other who sued the first one for lots of money. I recognize that there is historical significance to this, as social networking is a phenomenon of the modern era.
I’m just saying, I, me, Dan Silver – I don’t give a shit. And I know I’m not alone.
Yeah, sure, Zodiac was a study of people in extraordinary circumstances with no clear end or summation of the mystery. It’s widely believed that Arthur Lee Allen was the Zodiac killer, who terrorized the Bay Area in the late Sixties. Nobody knows for sure though, because Allen died before he could be brought in and interrogated. The case remains technically unsolved, and legions of the paranoid and the insane still insist that their step-fathers who were mean to them at Thanksgiving one year were, in fact, the Zodiac.
But your Zodiac film was also a study of the era, and the general mood and climate of society at the time. The Facebook movie might have been made with the same intent; I recognize that. And, still, SNORE!
Let’s do a quick side by side comparison:
The Zodiac Killer: Killed innocent victims at random. Wrote coded messages to major Bay Area newspapers, some of which have never been broken. Wore a crazy super-villain outfit. Claimed to have killed thirty-seven people, though only five could be conclusively proven. It’s believed that the Zodiac also had victims in Stateline, Riverside, and Lompoc. Said he was going to call in on a major talk show and speak to TV personality, Jim Dunbar. Kept a swatch of a victim’s shirt and mailed it to The Chronicle. Threatened to kill Chronicle reporter, Paul Avery, in a letter. Prompted a fashion trend of people wearing buttons that said, “I am not Paul Avery.” Bragged that the police would never find him. Bragged that they almost did. Claimed to have killed a police sergeant. Might have. Prompted countless articles, books, and films.
Facebook: Invented by Harvard students in the early-mid 2000s. Currently has 500 million users. Women really like it. Men like it because women do. Useful because it helps decrease banal female chattiness as it is currently available as an application on most smart-phones. Basically a pacifier for drunk chicks in that regard. Summarized best by Entertainment Weekly: "How on earth did we stalk our exes, remember our co-workers' birthdays, bug our friends, and play a rousing game of Scrabulous before Facebook?”
Do you see the disparity here, Dave? I can’t be the only one who takes issue with this. You might as well have made a movie about Twitter or something. Hell, at least Twitter recently killed a guy, a famous guy. Famous Hollywood plastic surgeon to the stars, Frank Ryan, drove his car off a cliff while Tweeting that he was driving on a cliff-side road in his highly-douchey Maserati or whatever.
Look, I’m not trying to rein in your creativity. Nor do I think all movies need to be the same. Nor do I think you aren’t very talented. Nor do I think you don’t deserve the freedom that you currently have to make movies that you are interested in. Nor do I think that Heidi Montag has anything less than the world’s scariest vagina.
I simply believe, and earnestly, that you should consider the feelings of people like me before you accept projects like The Social Network. I may be a difficult to please cinema nerd. I may be picky. I may even be overly critical of movies. Hell, I just saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World last night, and thought it was about four times longer than The Lord of the Rings. I am rather curious if any studio head actually watched that movie before it was released. That skinny Jewish kid had SEVEN evil exes to defeat. He fought one about every half hour or so. See the problem here?
I digress. I may be blah blah blah blah. So feel free to ignore what I have to say. Just consider this one thing before you dismiss my banter as the mad ramblings of a random blogger: I own a rifle. I know you grew up in Ashland, Oregon. And I am very, very certain there is a clock-tower there. Use this information as you see fit.
Consider yourself on notice.
"Why do guys like you and I know what a duvet is? Is this
an essential tool for survival in the hunter-gatherer sense of
the word?"
-Tyler Durden