Things That Were Awesome About the New Fantastic Four Movie
A- The title.
B- The brief moment when Jessica Alba as Sue Richards is dead.
C- Brian Posehn and Stan Lee have cameos.
And that's it.
Why?
Because it sucked so bad that I don't even know if I can be funny; I'm just way, way to angry.
This movie seemed to promise that it was about the epic odyssey of Marvel's most tortured,
interesting and ambiguously aligned super-powered, err, Marvel, the Silver Surfer. Yet, he was in it
for about six minutes, as opposed to Jessica Alba, who was in every scene trying to act her way out
of a - goshdarn - paper bag... and failing.
Hence: it totally blew.
However - via what can only be explained by a blood oath to Satan - it was critically fellated by Mick
Lasalle who, if you aren't familiar with His Worshipfulness, is a reviewer for the San Francisco
Chronicle. He is also, apparently, out of his goddamn mind. Read his review here and you'll see
what I'm talking about.
The thing about comic book movies, and what makes them so fun, is that the audience is already
prepared to suspend disbelief. Yet, incredibly, the creative Tour de Crap that threw this travesty
together still managed to make me, somebody who once actually tried to reason his way into liking
the first Star Wars prequel, want to blow my brains out. Here are just a few, small examples of what
I'm talking about:
1- Galactus is a CLOUD!
2- The film makers somehow failed to realize that action movies aren't generally best started by hour
long wedding preparation sequences.
3- A de-powered Thing - played by Michael Chiklis - races to help the Human Torch by ascending a
1000 foot construction crane in maybe, MAYBE, forty seconds. We are, I guess, to believe that the
portly Mr. Chiklis does tons and tons of cardio. He then uses said crane, which he somehow knows
how to operate with uncanny precision - while not at all out of breath, mind you - to knock Dr. Doom
across the night sky.
4- Though it is a big surprise to the rest of his team, Reed Richards summons his experimental
aircraft to transport the team to an appropriate day-saving location. And, upon arrival of said craft,
the entire team knows how to fly it, though they have had no prior time doing so. Furthermore, it's
covered in Dodge logos and some writer actually had the audacity to have Johnny Storm ask Dr.
Richards, "Does that thing have a Hemi?"
Seriously.
I'm gonna let that sink in for a while longer.
Yeah.
Seriously, screw Hollywood so, so hard. Save me Rifftrax.
A- The title.
B- The brief moment when Jessica Alba as Sue Richards is dead.
C- Brian Posehn and Stan Lee have cameos.
And that's it.
Why?
Because it sucked so bad that I don't even know if I can be funny; I'm just way, way to angry.
This movie seemed to promise that it was about the epic odyssey of Marvel's most tortured,
interesting and ambiguously aligned super-powered, err, Marvel, the Silver Surfer. Yet, he was in it
for about six minutes, as opposed to Jessica Alba, who was in every scene trying to act her way out
of a - goshdarn - paper bag... and failing.
Hence: it totally blew.
However - via what can only be explained by a blood oath to Satan - it was critically fellated by Mick
Lasalle who, if you aren't familiar with His Worshipfulness, is a reviewer for the San Francisco
Chronicle. He is also, apparently, out of his goddamn mind. Read his review here and you'll see
what I'm talking about.
The thing about comic book movies, and what makes them so fun, is that the audience is already
prepared to suspend disbelief. Yet, incredibly, the creative Tour de Crap that threw this travesty
together still managed to make me, somebody who once actually tried to reason his way into liking
the first Star Wars prequel, want to blow my brains out. Here are just a few, small examples of what
I'm talking about:
1- Galactus is a CLOUD!
2- The film makers somehow failed to realize that action movies aren't generally best started by hour
long wedding preparation sequences.
3- A de-powered Thing - played by Michael Chiklis - races to help the Human Torch by ascending a
1000 foot construction crane in maybe, MAYBE, forty seconds. We are, I guess, to believe that the
portly Mr. Chiklis does tons and tons of cardio. He then uses said crane, which he somehow knows
how to operate with uncanny precision - while not at all out of breath, mind you - to knock Dr. Doom
across the night sky.
4- Though it is a big surprise to the rest of his team, Reed Richards summons his experimental
aircraft to transport the team to an appropriate day-saving location. And, upon arrival of said craft,
the entire team knows how to fly it, though they have had no prior time doing so. Furthermore, it's
covered in Dodge logos and some writer actually had the audacity to have Johnny Storm ask Dr.
Richards, "Does that thing have a Hemi?"
Seriously.
I'm gonna let that sink in for a while longer.
Yeah.
Seriously, screw Hollywood so, so hard. Save me Rifftrax.
This is about all you get to see of him, sorry.