Comics for the comic impaired.
There's a good chance that you, dear reader, are not currently visiting
your comic shop on a regular basis. Consequently, you have no idea why
Wednesday is a day to rejoice upon, or you think that Solomon Grundy is
a nursery rhyme. For this, you should be ashamed. Many people I know
never got into comic books because they thought they were for kids;
uber-dork kids. More, still, collected comics when they were younger
but stopped around the time boobs took the place of toys as a primary
interest in life. I pity both categories.
No matter who you are, or what you like, there's a comic out there for
you. Comics paint a picture of right and wrong that is very helpful, ney,
required in today's world. Popular culture would have you believe that we
(somewhat) successful and law-abiding folks are responsible for the
actions of those who seek to victimize us because we have failed to fail.
Comics do not subscribe to this garbage and those that touch upon the
subject make it clear what a backwards and suicidalist way of thinking
this is, not by dogma but by putting a bad-guy up against a good-guy and
watching the results. Comics remind us that it's okay to punch a guy a
few times for robbing somebody, something the ACLU is apparently
opposed to.
I know that you probably aren't going to church on Sunday and that you
likely don't believe in the teachings of some book that was written, by
people you never met, thousands of years ago. A comic book takes all the
good stuff from those books and cuts out all the crap (like
homosexuality is evil and pork is bad). In short, comics rule and you need
to motivate your ass into your local comic shop post-haste.
Once you arrive you will be greeted by a warm and welcoming mumble
from a slightly overweight and poorly complexioned salesperson. This
person will serve as your guide into the world of wonder and intrigue
that awaits you. Approach this person who may, or may not, be watching
re-runs of Charles in Charge on his I-POD, while broadcasting JUST
THE AUDIO, over the store's stereo system. Using your arms and legs,
perform random and spastic movements, like you're having a standing
seizure or trying to play a chess simulator on the upcoming Nintendo Wii,
and shout "EXCUSE ME!" Two to three minutes of this should be
sufficient to tear dude away from the riveting adventures of Scott Baio.
Once you have the salesperson's attention, ask him, or her, what the
must-haves are. This is when the adventure will start as nerds are like
pets- some of us are obsessive about tennis balls and some of us just
want to sit around and lick ourselves. No, I don't mean this literally
(except the latter part). What I'm trying to say is that, depending on
the prevailing winds of the comic world, you could be directed (by a
dismissive wave of the hand) to the current run of Astonishing X-Men
(which is written by none other than Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire
Slayer and Firefly/Serenity fame), anything by Brian Azzarello (the
current Quentin Tarantino of comics) or some obscure black and white
indie book about two young people seated in a coffee shop, talking about
popcorn and smoking clove cigarettes.
This variance in taste is quite age and subculture dependant. You really
can't go wrong by starting with the Big Guns from the Marvel or DC
universes such as The Avengers, X-Men, Spiderman, Batman or
Superman. Select a few of these titles and then head over to the
register to pay for your sublimely affordable delights. This process
should take about five to ten minutes as, inevitably, the sales-guy takes
a while to work the credit card machine (this may be because he's
distracted by some witty thing that ol' Charles said or because he's way
stoned -- or both). Also, you'll probably be asked if you want "bags and
boards." Don't worry, this is much cleaner and less intimidating than it
sounds. What you are being asked is if you would like protective plastic
bags and comic-sized pieces of cardboard, to keep the comics from
wrinkling, to safeguard your new treasures from the ravages of time.
You should say yes if you don't have any of these at home, in bulk, like I
do (I'm a prepared dork). Properly protected comics will make sure
they appreciate in value like gold and wine. In fact, some rare editions
are worth almost eleven dollars today! Wow! (Bags and boards incur a
nominal surcharge that will only test your patience, rather than your
finances, as it will invariably require further credit card machine
complications.)
Now comes the part that I still don't understand. Your comics are
placed into a plastic bag and then, out of the blue, the salesperson will
slip in a small, comic-sized, newspaper. This newspaper is called CSN or
Comic Shop News. It is, apparently, a publication about the current buzz
in the world of (you guessed it!) comics. It is also, definitely, useless. To
my knowledge, nobody has ever read an entire CSN, or made it more
than three paragraphs into each issue. In fact, I'm still not sure that
this is a freebee from the store, rather than said store trying to clear
up the recycling pile. Surprisingly, I think this is a weekly publication,
which is dumbfounding and implies that there is more than one person
employed by this publication which, in turn, implies that some company
advertises in it- so that said publication can make money- which, in turn,
means that there's somebody getting paid to write about comics when
I'm here doing it for free.
Fucking shit.
But it's all down hill from here. Go home, crack a brew and get ready to
immerse yourself in a world of fantasy. Sit yourself down, turn on a
reading light and have at it. And, remember: if you open up the comic and
see that it's in the middle of a multi-issue story arch, or a massive
summer cross-over event, keep reading for a while. I'm confident that
you'll figure out what's going on in a few pages or after reading the
opening summary --
It's a comic book folks, not Dostoevsky.
There's a good chance that you, dear reader, are not currently visiting
your comic shop on a regular basis. Consequently, you have no idea why
Wednesday is a day to rejoice upon, or you think that Solomon Grundy is
a nursery rhyme. For this, you should be ashamed. Many people I know
never got into comic books because they thought they were for kids;
uber-dork kids. More, still, collected comics when they were younger
but stopped around the time boobs took the place of toys as a primary
interest in life. I pity both categories.
No matter who you are, or what you like, there's a comic out there for
you. Comics paint a picture of right and wrong that is very helpful, ney,
required in today's world. Popular culture would have you believe that we
(somewhat) successful and law-abiding folks are responsible for the
actions of those who seek to victimize us because we have failed to fail.
Comics do not subscribe to this garbage and those that touch upon the
subject make it clear what a backwards and suicidalist way of thinking
this is, not by dogma but by putting a bad-guy up against a good-guy and
watching the results. Comics remind us that it's okay to punch a guy a
few times for robbing somebody, something the ACLU is apparently
opposed to.
I know that you probably aren't going to church on Sunday and that you
likely don't believe in the teachings of some book that was written, by
people you never met, thousands of years ago. A comic book takes all the
good stuff from those books and cuts out all the crap (like
homosexuality is evil and pork is bad). In short, comics rule and you need
to motivate your ass into your local comic shop post-haste.
Once you arrive you will be greeted by a warm and welcoming mumble
from a slightly overweight and poorly complexioned salesperson. This
person will serve as your guide into the world of wonder and intrigue
that awaits you. Approach this person who may, or may not, be watching
re-runs of Charles in Charge on his I-POD, while broadcasting JUST
THE AUDIO, over the store's stereo system. Using your arms and legs,
perform random and spastic movements, like you're having a standing
seizure or trying to play a chess simulator on the upcoming Nintendo Wii,
and shout "EXCUSE ME!" Two to three minutes of this should be
sufficient to tear dude away from the riveting adventures of Scott Baio.
Once you have the salesperson's attention, ask him, or her, what the
must-haves are. This is when the adventure will start as nerds are like
pets- some of us are obsessive about tennis balls and some of us just
want to sit around and lick ourselves. No, I don't mean this literally
(except the latter part). What I'm trying to say is that, depending on
the prevailing winds of the comic world, you could be directed (by a
dismissive wave of the hand) to the current run of Astonishing X-Men
(which is written by none other than Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire
Slayer and Firefly/Serenity fame), anything by Brian Azzarello (the
current Quentin Tarantino of comics) or some obscure black and white
indie book about two young people seated in a coffee shop, talking about
popcorn and smoking clove cigarettes.
This variance in taste is quite age and subculture dependant. You really
can't go wrong by starting with the Big Guns from the Marvel or DC
universes such as The Avengers, X-Men, Spiderman, Batman or
Superman. Select a few of these titles and then head over to the
register to pay for your sublimely affordable delights. This process
should take about five to ten minutes as, inevitably, the sales-guy takes
a while to work the credit card machine (this may be because he's
distracted by some witty thing that ol' Charles said or because he's way
stoned -- or both). Also, you'll probably be asked if you want "bags and
boards." Don't worry, this is much cleaner and less intimidating than it
sounds. What you are being asked is if you would like protective plastic
bags and comic-sized pieces of cardboard, to keep the comics from
wrinkling, to safeguard your new treasures from the ravages of time.
You should say yes if you don't have any of these at home, in bulk, like I
do (I'm a prepared dork). Properly protected comics will make sure
they appreciate in value like gold and wine. In fact, some rare editions
are worth almost eleven dollars today! Wow! (Bags and boards incur a
nominal surcharge that will only test your patience, rather than your
finances, as it will invariably require further credit card machine
complications.)
Now comes the part that I still don't understand. Your comics are
placed into a plastic bag and then, out of the blue, the salesperson will
slip in a small, comic-sized, newspaper. This newspaper is called CSN or
Comic Shop News. It is, apparently, a publication about the current buzz
in the world of (you guessed it!) comics. It is also, definitely, useless. To
my knowledge, nobody has ever read an entire CSN, or made it more
than three paragraphs into each issue. In fact, I'm still not sure that
this is a freebee from the store, rather than said store trying to clear
up the recycling pile. Surprisingly, I think this is a weekly publication,
which is dumbfounding and implies that there is more than one person
employed by this publication which, in turn, implies that some company
advertises in it- so that said publication can make money- which, in turn,
means that there's somebody getting paid to write about comics when
I'm here doing it for free.
Fucking shit.
But it's all down hill from here. Go home, crack a brew and get ready to
immerse yourself in a world of fantasy. Sit yourself down, turn on a
reading light and have at it. And, remember: if you open up the comic and
see that it's in the middle of a multi-issue story arch, or a massive
summer cross-over event, keep reading for a while. I'm confident that
you'll figure out what's going on in a few pages or after reading the
opening summary --
It's a comic book folks, not Dostoevsky.
