Don't go see Clerks II...
Unless you aren't a big vagina.
So, I finally went and saw a movie in the theater. It had been over a year since such an event
occurred but I pulled myself away from my precious pay-per-view in order to actually contribute
to the box office earnings of a movie, which I have been anxiously awaiting the release of for
some time now. I was sort-of planning to catch this flick during the theater run but the news
about Joel Siegel walking out on it really cinched the decision for me. He's a tool and whatever
films he raves about I usually can't stand.
I can't recall the last film I saw in the theater, prior to this one, with any certainty but it was likely
Serenity. And, like the ever-loving nerd I am, I attended that film on opening night. I did not,
however, go in costume like my dork-ass friend Brett. Even I'm not that lame.
I digress.
Clerks II was great; more than great in fact. It was brilliant; hysterical; perfect. It's a worthy
sequel to one of my all time favorites. Where else can you see a movie about ass-to-mouth,
donkey shows and the eternal bonds of friendship? See why I was impressed? Do yourself a
favor and go see it, make sure that a strong message is sent to Kevin Smith to continue this
type of film production. Also, to further press the point, bring a copy of Jersey Girl with you and
set it on fire during the closing credits. Trust me; you'll have plenty of time.
Now, to nit-pick at the film's few flaws I have to sink pretty low. Luckily, I'm rather proficient at
sinking low and nit-picking so, here goes:
1- Other bloggers (God, I hate that word), reviewers and even Kevin Smith himself have
touched on this topic but I feel it hasn't been beaten to death yet: absent Bill Gates-worthy
bribery, there is no way on earth that Rosario Dawson's character would ever date Dante (the
lead character). I'll stipulate that, if this was the original film (which featured a much younger
and far less swollen-looking Dante), the aforementioned bribe would not need to be nearly as
generous but it would still need to be significant. Rosario Dawson is so hot that my wife won't
even shut up about her.
2- You can't run a fast food place with only three employees and a manager. I realize that it's a
movie and so a certain level of disbelief needs to be suspended in the interest of continuity and
ease of plot development. However, it probably wouldn't have killed Miramax to hire some
extras. Kevin Smith probably could have gotten all the extras he desired to work for free for the
simple fact that he is Kevin Smith, a fanboy god, and that Rosario Dawson (and that rack of
hers) is also in the picture.
3- Kevin Smith's wife is weird looking as a blond. I had a good amount of trouble keeping my
focus on what she was saying as opposed to her scary, albino arms and oddly hued lips. The
scene in which she flashed the camera is now, permanently, burned into my mind and has
made regular appearances in my nightmares since. Sandwich girl, sandwich.
4- Jason Lee is on screen for like twenty seconds. We all know how gay I am for him...
I was devastated.
Unless you aren't a big vagina.
So, I finally went and saw a movie in the theater. It had been over a year since such an event
occurred but I pulled myself away from my precious pay-per-view in order to actually contribute
to the box office earnings of a movie, which I have been anxiously awaiting the release of for
some time now. I was sort-of planning to catch this flick during the theater run but the news
about Joel Siegel walking out on it really cinched the decision for me. He's a tool and whatever
films he raves about I usually can't stand.
I can't recall the last film I saw in the theater, prior to this one, with any certainty but it was likely
Serenity. And, like the ever-loving nerd I am, I attended that film on opening night. I did not,
however, go in costume like my dork-ass friend Brett. Even I'm not that lame.
I digress.
Clerks II was great; more than great in fact. It was brilliant; hysterical; perfect. It's a worthy
sequel to one of my all time favorites. Where else can you see a movie about ass-to-mouth,
donkey shows and the eternal bonds of friendship? See why I was impressed? Do yourself a
favor and go see it, make sure that a strong message is sent to Kevin Smith to continue this
type of film production. Also, to further press the point, bring a copy of Jersey Girl with you and
set it on fire during the closing credits. Trust me; you'll have plenty of time.
Now, to nit-pick at the film's few flaws I have to sink pretty low. Luckily, I'm rather proficient at
sinking low and nit-picking so, here goes:
1- Other bloggers (God, I hate that word), reviewers and even Kevin Smith himself have
touched on this topic but I feel it hasn't been beaten to death yet: absent Bill Gates-worthy
bribery, there is no way on earth that Rosario Dawson's character would ever date Dante (the
lead character). I'll stipulate that, if this was the original film (which featured a much younger
and far less swollen-looking Dante), the aforementioned bribe would not need to be nearly as
generous but it would still need to be significant. Rosario Dawson is so hot that my wife won't
even shut up about her.
2- You can't run a fast food place with only three employees and a manager. I realize that it's a
movie and so a certain level of disbelief needs to be suspended in the interest of continuity and
ease of plot development. However, it probably wouldn't have killed Miramax to hire some
extras. Kevin Smith probably could have gotten all the extras he desired to work for free for the
simple fact that he is Kevin Smith, a fanboy god, and that Rosario Dawson (and that rack of
hers) is also in the picture.
3- Kevin Smith's wife is weird looking as a blond. I had a good amount of trouble keeping my
focus on what she was saying as opposed to her scary, albino arms and oddly hued lips. The
scene in which she flashed the camera is now, permanently, burned into my mind and has
made regular appearances in my nightmares since. Sandwich girl, sandwich.
4- Jason Lee is on screen for like twenty seconds. We all know how gay I am for him...
I was devastated.
