I Designed Family Bumper Stickers!

Those of you who have ever driven in a car with me – which is an honor, so count yourself blessed – know that there are few things I hate more than annoying bumper stickers. And by “bumper stickers” I refer to just about any sort of ornament or decal that one uses to display some sort of annoying message to other motorists. Though I am a pretty liberal guy, some of the worst offenders seem to be the lefties. You know who I am talking about: the going-gray, bespectacled Prius drivers whose vehicles are about thirty percent covered in trite, manufactured political statements like, “Think Globally – Act Locally” and “Meat is Murder” and “Nader 2008” (fuck you very much for that, Ralph) and “Godess Bless” and so on and so on and so on.

Then you have your right wing and proud crowd, the guys in giant gas guzzlers who still feel the need to let the world know that they voted for Bush and Cheney, watch Sarah Palin’s ridiculous show about river rafting and how the president is a Muslim, and are NRA members. You see these people every once in a while in the Bay Area, rare though they may be. Generally, they are pretty reserved. But venture farther into the interior of California, east of the Coastal Range and boy-howdy does that quickly turn into some serious fire-breathing about illegal immigrants, abortion, homos getting married and the legitimacy of Obama’s birth certificate.

But far more insidious and horrible than any decal stating “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” or “Palin 2012” is the inexplicable popularity of the stick figure family decal that seems to always be in the lower right hand corner of the rear windshield these days. You know the ones, they look like this:

They must issue these things at hospitals now, because it seems that it’s required of any working to upper middle class family to have one of these obnoxious, idealized, overly wholesome images on the minivan or SUV. Dad, Mom, Sis, Bro, Baby and Dog are all depicted on the vehicle, holding hands and smiling – or maybe displaying a prop such as a computer or baseball bat to let other drivers know important information, such as that Little Damien is in little league or AYSO or some other nonsense that nobody gives a crap about on the commute home from work.

So, being me, and having a satire website, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to make some graphics reflecting the family life that people don’t want you to know about, but is most certainly there. Because behind the squeaky clean, white picket fences of suburbia often lays discontent, dysfunctionality and some plain ol’ messed up shit. Enjoy.

Did she kiss a girl and like it? Did she get knocked up? Only I know!

In his defense, you did tell Daddy that you were going to take complete care of him when you convinced him to let you have the puppy. In that regard, you failed. Daddy giveth…

Sometimes choices can come back to bite you in the ass.

Seriously, you really think she was okay with just once a month? She didn’t buy those boobies for you, buddy.

I hope you enjoyed my first foray into bumper sticker design. I think I might have to print up some of these because I am so proud of them. In an age where shows like Jersey Shore and Intervention are so popular, these probably won’t get looked at with any raised eyebrows, right?

 [5/10/11 - NOW you can buy the stickers at my zazzle store! See display on left OR click here.]

HOME