Finally the Film Industry is Receiving the Recognition it so Justly Deserves
Alright, folks, it is film industry award season again. No doubt, you were already keenly aware of this. No doubt you have had your respective digital recording devices long set to tape the Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild Awards, and Academy Awards. I mean, who wouldn’t? What unappreciative fucktard would think of missing even one iota of one of said award shows? Not one among you; I am confident.
Lots of films are made every year. And only a select few among them – like forty percent or so – ever get nominated for one of these prestigious awards… or seven. I have total faith that you’ve already seen every important movie released this year. I mean, movies are so affordable these days and not at all time consuming – we all have so much free time, us working folk! So truly it would be redundant for me to mention what films were nominated, right?
What I always feel this time of year is an earnest and heartfelt thanks to the film industry - especially to the actors, producers and directors – for making the lives of little people like me slightly less dull and horrible. I feel thanks for them blessing me with their unimaginable gifts of talent and visual poetry. I mean, one only need seeCate Blanchett’s performance in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to know how incredible acting can be, how memorable and realistic. It was almost like she was a sickly, dying old lady! But she’s not in reality! She’s quite young! Wow!
Yes, I know that film is from a few years ago, but it really stuck with me because of how memorable Cate’s performance was. Just wow. FYI: there was no way they could have actually cast an old lady in that role, because all actresses are under the age of thirty unless your last name is Streep. And if your last name is Streep, you will win an Academy Award every two years. This has nothing to do with the preferential casting you get, and everything with your God-given mastery of the craft of actifying.
And that’s the perfect example of why only one awards show is just too few. We really need as many as we can fit into the busy lives of our celebrities. How else could we properly shower said famous folk with the affection and attention they so richly deserve? Think of all they have done for us. And the fashion – don’t get me started. How wonderful is the fashion? Don’t you just die looking at all those beautiful people strutting down the red carpets in their sassy outfits? How exciting is it to see Joan Rivers – who looks so great for her age – and Kelly Osborn – who so deserves her celebrity and has a lovely and authentic English accent that happened by God’s hand to grace her at age nineteen – speak for hours in catty terms about who was hottest or whatnot?
I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Here’s what I want to say about film awards ceremonies. Let’s cut the shit:
- Kelly Osborn is an unattractive, uninteresting and shallow sphincter boil who I hope rear ends a semi-truck in a sports car traveling over one hundred miles per hour with the rotten, overdosed corpse of Joan Rivers in the trunk. Fake English accents don’t make people interesting or sexy. Only one accent does that. It’s the one spoken by hot chicks in ex-Soviet provinces who work in high-class brothels. That one is sexy, and so is the South American Spanish accent. But that’s it. If all goes as planned, Kelly Osborn is exactly five years away from choking to death on a bag of Chips Ahoy washed down with Noveau. That’s not sexy and an incredibly fitting death for her.
- Seriously. People have Academy Awards parties? Let’s think on this further; people watch the Academy Awards? Do they know how long it is? Do they know that the concept of picking the best piece of art is ridiculous as art is entirely subjective and not set to any standardized system of benchmarks? It’s not like motherfucking Michael Mann can send in a kicker in the third act to boot an Oscar-winning field goal. Neither can John Harbaugh now that I think of it but that’s another story all together. (Oh, Ravens. Sad.)
- Does anybody but me find it truly offensive that rich people who play pretend for a living and exist merely in a fantasy world surrounded by camera and contract-wielding leeches telling them how awesome they are all the time have ONE, let alone MANY, different awards shows all contemporaneous in happening to one another? I hope so, because I find it to be extremely offensive. And it isn’t because a film is being recognized for being exceptional. It’s because millionaires are telling other millionaires how awesome they are. And let us be frank about this. Let’s pick an example of how overrated and silly the BULK of these actors are: Gwyneth Paltrow is not a brilliant artist. She is a somewhat pretty face who can memorize a few minutes worth of dialogue, say it again in a somewhat human manner, and probably listens very carefully to what the director tells her to do. But that’s it. She got lucky. She is no more talented than that girl from your high school who was always the lead female in the yearly musical performance of Showboat or whatnot. The difference is that the one you know went to college and/or got a job and/or knocked up, and Paltrow probably had rich parents who were friends with a talent agent and could afford to send her to Julliard and then put her up in a nice apartment in West Hollywood for years until she landed a good roll. She may be a perfectly nice person, but just because she was in a bunch of movies doesn’t mean that she is qualified to tell anybody how to live their life or cook their food. Yes, she has a cookbook out.
- I admit that there are exceptional actors. I just don’t give a shit. The unexceptional ones are far more prevalent in popular media. For every Daniel Day Lewis there is a Johnny Depp. You can easily identify the latter, because they are just attractive and charismatic and we all want to fuck them so it doesn’t matter that they basically play themselves over and over again in every movie they are cast in (read - George Clooney; that chick from the new Tron movie; etc.).
- Stop watching these awards shows. Recognize that they are boring and stupid. Recognize that they are giant advertisements by major film production companies for you to watch whatever heavy-handed and over-dramatic ridiculousness that they crap out onto the silver screen. If these awards shows had any bit of credibility, there would never be a “best visual effects” category, nor would one actor or actress be able to win best actor or best actress in the same year in multiple awards shows. That is case in point of the fact that the same small group of gullible suck-ups are doing the voting. People who apparently don’t have jobs as they have time to see all these shitty movies in the first place.
- The new Transformers movie will be showed at Cannes. Just like the last two.
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