| Picture this, little one, picture: a house. |
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This house is located in a very nice street, rich with history, called Mediterranean Lane. Some believe that this house is the most special house of all and the place where all houses, like the one currently being referenced, originated. When the house on Mediterranean Lane was first constructed, rudimentary though it was at the time, only two families lived there. One family was named Jacob and the other Peterson. These families believed in different interpretations of the same God but agreed that Mediterranean Lane was where both their religions started (isn't that neat?). Both families had controlling interests in the property but neither owned it. For years, outside forces often took control of the affairs of the Jacobs and the Petersons, for differing periods of time, issuing decrees and doctrines governing the day to day lives of both families. These forces changed names and levels of influence but were eventually thrown into turmoil by the arrival of a third family, distant relatives of the Jacobs, the Christiensens.
The Jacob family grew large and began to move to the areas north and west but still maintained deep ties to their original home and often returned to visit, en mass. The Petersons thrived as well and began to move north, south and east but, for the most part, stayed closer to the house than the Jacobs. The Christiensen family grew the fastest and the largest, moving out in all directions.
As time passed, the Petersons became the largest family in the house on Mediterranean Lane but the Jacob family still had many members residing there. Dark times came to pass in the world, causing the Jacobs to seek refuge at their original home or face extinction. However, to the Jacobs' surprise, they weren't welcomed back and could only return in small increments, a few people at a time. They also found that the Petersons, and other neighbors, didn't really want them there anymore. Because of this, the Jacobs were often forced to sneak back in and crash on the couches of the family members who still were on the house's lease.
Eventually, the dark times grew darker and it came to pass that SIX MILLION members of the Jacob family were tortured, raped and/or murdered by power hungry denizens of a nearby town, governed by an evil megalomaniac. This place was called Germysmarmland. With the help of a coalition of neighbors, this man was eventually defeated and reconstruction began. However, one of the neighbors, Brittonwood, who had assisted the Jacobs in the war against the Germysmarms, now barred their re-entry into the house. Luckily, internal changes in the government of Brittonwood, pressure by Brittonwood's peers, and protests by the Jacob family soon reversed that decision and it came to pass that the Jacobs would be allowed to own a portion of the house.
The aforementioned peers, who were very big and powerful people, formed a council- established in the wake of the conflict that saved the Jacob family- and this council decreed that the house on Mediterranean Lane would be split into two parts, one owned by the Jacobs and one by the Petersons. The council thought that this was a fair idea and the Jacobs agreed but the Petersons hated it because the Jacobs would be getting four-hundred percent more square-footage then they previously had.
The Petersons hated the agreement so much that they began to call upon their extended family members to assist them in an organized campaign of violence against the Jacobs. The Jacob family, who had just lost SIX MILLION members, decided that enough was enough, formed organized militias and fought back. Luckily, as was typical of the extended Peterson family, many members had differing ideas about how, and why, the war against the Jacobs should be fought and became widely ineffective. Some of the Petersons even thought that the Jacobs weren't so bad but felt compelled to help out because of blood loyalty to the family.
As is the dirty business of war, both families began to do terrible and violent things to each other but, eventually, the Jacob family "won" the initial conflict- even though Brittonwood was helping the Petersons- and formally declared their own half of the house on Mediterranean Lane as Jacobville. The Petersons, whose name has since become synonymous with the term "sore loser," refused to accept defeat. For nearly sixty years different towns controlled by the Petersons and their relatives, challenged Jacobville's Defense Force (also called the JDF) to war. Time and time again, the Peterson's would be soundly defeated by the Jacobs, who grew very proficient in the business of national defense. The Jacobs also began to retain more and more of the house on Mediterranean Lane for their own use, for a tactical advantage, and, likely, to deter the Petersons from further acts of aggression. Unfortunately, these incursions (that means something like "travels into") continued to provoke the ire of the Petersons.
Despite having several powerful, allied neighbors, no town came to the direct aid of the Jacob family, who were all but surrounded by violent enemies that were directly supported by extremely powerful peers and neighbors of their own. Radical factions of Petersons soon began to strap bombs to their bodies and detonate them in crowded cafes and transit busses in the Jacobs' part of the house on Mediterranean Lane. Other Petersons hijacked commercial airliners, filled with people from different families, and crashed them into the ground or blew them out of the sky. The Petersons did this because they thought a continued campaign of terror would drive the Jacob family out. They were wrong.
Soon, relatives of the Petersons began to hate a particularly powerful peer of the Jacob family, the Ambearacain States (a large collection of towns containing families from all over the world, located far across a giant ocean to the west). The Jacobs warned the Ambearacains of how dangerous the Petersons could be, but the Ambearicans never really listened (despite being attacked by the Petersons a few times) until relatives of the Petersons slammed some commercial airliners into the Great Big Twin Buildings, the Octagon and a field near Pencilville. In response, the Ambearacains attacked the town where the Peterson relatives, who were responsible for the hijackings, resided. This attack lost steam though, for an unknown reason, and the Ambearacains' attention was diverted to some different Peterson relatives who were arguably the least threatening of all Peterson relatives in the general area and who didn't have anything to do with the plane-attack thing. This is a different story all together though.
Though many people sympathize with the plight of the original members of the Peterson family- who have been displaced from their rooms in the house on Mediterranean Lane- the fact still remains that one can only feel so sorry for somebody who has millions of extremely rich and powerful peers and relatives; relatives who could be providing homes, food and medicine for said Petersons, rather than providing them with guns and missiles. Also, recently some Petersons to the direct north of Jacobville abducted some members of the Jacob family. This was, obviously, a mistake as the Jacobs are more than willing to trounce the Peterson family and have done so, in formal wars, about six times to date. But the Petersons abducted some JDF soldiers and were generously given three, whole days to return them. Unfortunately for them, the Petersons failed to heed the warnings given and are now, once again, in the process of being blown to high hell by the military might and tactical superiority of the JDF.
Despite this, the Petersons still, for some reason, keep getting back up after being knocked out like some pathetic blind child repeatedly slamming his face into the same tether-ball pole over and over again- at first you can't help but feel a little bad for the kid but, after a while, you wonder when the fuck he's gonna learn that the pole isn't going anywhere and find a new place to play; or at least run in a different direction.
Surprisingly, people from all over the towns, all across the world, seem to still feel sorry for the Petersons, even in Ambearica! These people are very angry at the actions of the JDF, feel that Jacobville has no right to exist, and seem to have completely forgotten about the SIX MILLION Jacob family members that were raped, tortured and murdered by a rogue state, not so long ago. These same Ambearicans wave the flag of the Petersons on college campuses and in their towns in demonstrations against Jacobville defending itself and its people. They broadcast slogans like, "Jacobville out of Petersonville now" via loudspeakers, which were made in a country that, around the same time that Jacobville was established, had just finished instituting the demise of millions of people (they fail to understand the irony). A good number of these people, though they would deny it, simply hate the Jacobs.
Some of these Ambearicans write books with titles like Blaming the Victims about how big and mean the little town of Jacobville is and how it has no right to defend itself against the people who abduct and murder its citizens- and people all over the world- because, make no mistake, they don't only want some rooms back in the house on Mediterranean Lane, they want the whole damn thing for their own.
And they want to finish the job that Germysmarmland started.
Furthermore, these same people fail to recognize that if Jacobville falls, the last bastion of reason on Mediterranean Lane will be plunged into chaos and darkness and, perhaps, so will the rest of the world.
The end. |
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