A Brief Portrait of Your Ancestors
Welcome to Ancestry.Org, the Internet’s premier ancestry website! We have researched the data that you submitted on your family tree portrait page and have come up with some very special information about your very special family! For a mere $27.95 a month Ancestry.Org has whisked you away on a chariot of personal discovery that will no doubt enrich and fulfill your life. What else could be more exciting?!
NOTHING.
So without further ado, here are some of the relatives our crack team of personal historians have been able to find in your cherished lineage:Name: Dorothy Jean McCarthy
Born 1801 Died 1807
Relationship: Cousin
Biography: Born in the Winchester, Massachusetts Home for the Insane to a mother who was committed therein for suspicion of being possessed by Spanish demons – a common misdiagnosis for venereal disease at the time. Unfortunately died very young of explosive dysentery during the Great Rat Invasion of Boston Harbor. Summarily used as fertilizer for mushroom crops due to lack of livestock feces. Mushrooms sold moderately well at town market.Name: Albert Cockswith Poodimiere
Born 1734 Died 1773
Relationship: Great Great Great Great Grandfather
Biography: Born in Philadelphia to an affluent family of tea importers. Schooled at the celebrated King’s Academy for Boys. At mere age of nineteen ran successful distribution hub of tea at Boston Harbor. Married to Lady Elizabeth Frankendoodle McCarthy. Had five children. Albert was a vocal and active anti-colonial secessionist. Killed by angry mob of colonists in first five minutes of Boston Tea Party attempting to stop them from removing the British flag from his hands. Summarily dragged through the streets of Boston nude. Corpse pelted with rocks and rotten fruit. Inspired the popular revolutionary song of the era, Pelting Poodimiere.Name: Fanny Modest McCarthy
Born 1832 Died 1863
Relationship: Great Great Great Grandmother
Biography: Another New Englander by birth. She became widely known in State of Massachusetts for being one of the few pro-slavery noblewomen of the time. Ran a newspaper advertising the racial superiority of white people despite political pressure to soften the tone of the rhetoric espoused therein. Eventually gang raped to death by a mob of Union Army soldiers who she had taunted as race traitors from the front porch of her lovely mansion up until they apparently had enough. Mansion summarily looted and burned to the ground. A popular McDonald’s restaurant now stands on the location of her mansion, erected 1986.Name: Francis Chastity McCarthy
Born 1832 Died 1884
Relationship: Great Great Great Aunt
Biography: Sister of Fanny. Left home at an early age to make a life with her husband in the western wilderness. Eventually settled in Tuscon, Arizona where her husband, Johnathan Lambego Canterbury, succumbed to tuberculosis after years of fruitless farming. The couple had long tried to turn their desert land into a corn farm, but enjoyed little success. One child stillborn and buried on the property. Left to fend for herself, she turned to prostitution and made a decent living at the most popular saloon in town, The Rooster’s Hen. Reportedly had a bright and bubbly personality and a keen ability to play a hand of poker while masturbating the adjacent player. Died of natural causes. Eulogy given by Wild Bill, one of her best customers. Inspired the popular sing-a-long bar song of the era, Franny Three Hole Don’t Need No Dentures.Name: Singleton “Fritz” Bushman
Born 1908 Died 1944
Relationship: Great Great Uncle
Biography: Singleton was given to an orphanage in central Boston just after birth. Adopted by German immigrants at age seven and raised in the traditional, loveless German manner. Worked at the family bakery while attending school and college. Known for his strong work ethic and curt personality. Earned a degree in German history from Harvard. Moved to Germany as the Third Reich gained power. Joined the SS. Achieved the rank of Major, rising rapidly through the ranks. Widely known for his ability to hunt down Jewish fugitives. Killed while thwarting assassination attempt on Hitler that inspired that Tom Cruise movie that didn’t do very well.Well, we hope you enjoyed your first round of discoveries. As long as you keep your credit card numbers updated, we will keep sending you ancestor reports as we discover them. Like us on Facebook!
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