Two years ago a show hit the airwaves and suddenly everybody wouldn't shut the-fuck up about it. It was called: Lost. And you probably think it's the best show ever.
As I was- and am- a knee-jerk, anti-pop crusader, I shunned Lost "from jump" as it were. Much like every other televised over-night sensation, I was extremely skeptical of Lost and figured that it was probably;
A- Gay.
B- Lame.
C- Trite.
D- Contrived.
E- Retarded.
I mean, how could EVERBODY, from all walks of life, unanimously agree- practically overnight- that the show was so damned good? It just didn't make any sense and, as I believed most things that your average person liked (and most people for that matter) sucked balls, in all likelihood their new favorite TV program blew just as much. Right?
Then it happened: my buddy Chris bought me the "season one" DVD of Lost and I feigned interest and gratitude. I relegated the series to the bottom of my "shows to watch" pile and, more or less, forgot about it. But one day, I didn't have anything to watch and curiosity got the best of me. Tonya and I sat down, popped in the first DVD of the season, and watched the pilot. As it turned out, we were hooked "from jump"™ Much to my chagrin (in the rare instance that I am- in fact- wrong, I really hate it), I thought Lost was refreshing, intriguing and, frankly, really cool. Tonya- who also dug the show- and I digested the entire first season in like one week. Then we waited for months and months for the second season to come out on DVD, because we had caught on too late to watch said season during the network run. And we waited. And we waited. And we waited.
And then something weird happened: the spell that Lost had cast upon me began to lift, leaving only mild amusement, moderate artistic respect and COMPLETE BOREDOM in its wake.
Over the last month, Tonya and I have been slowly slogging through the second season. And during this slog, I have come to realize just how fucking maddening it is to be a Lost fan. Seriously, I just can't be tortured by this show anymore. I mean, is there really a demographic of TV viewer who earnestly enjoys;
1- Five minutes of "previously on Lost" catch-up scenes during a twenty-three minute show?
2- Fifteen minutes of character history flashbacks during a twenty-three minute show? (Do we really care about Jack's previous patients? No, we don't. We do, however, care about why a polar bear is on a tropical island but I guess the writing staff gave up on that one already, along with about a hundred other mysteries that are insofar unanswered.)
3- Three minutes of actual plot development- during an on-going series that takes place in a paradise, which is beset with infinite levels of intrigue?
4- A show that features history's most infuriating and annoying female characters who- despite the fact that they live on a hot, sweaty, balmy island- never, ever take off their pants' or change their clothes at all for that matter?
5- A story that features a really bored, really depressed rock-star heroin addict, who has access to an infinite supply of heroin- his favorite thing in life- but is peer pressured into sobriety by a group of fuckups, who he doesn't even know, only to remain tortured, alone and miserable?
The answer: yes. Apparently such an audience does exist; an audience of utter assholes. I, Dan Silver, hereby offer this pledge to the production staff of Lost: I will start watching your show again when you kill pretty much everybody off in terrible, painful ways; everyone but Hurley and that kid who played one of the hobbits. Also, there needs to be a shit-ton of strippers.
And the Predator.
I just made the best show ever.
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