It's long been understood, by even the least self-aware people, that everybody thinks they are better than everyone else... always. Everybody believes that they are smarter, that they are more emotionally complicated, that they appreciate things in a different and more profound way, that they are unique snowflakes and that they are diamonds in the rough of idiots that make up the bulk of society. In my most honest moments, I'll admit to the occasional feeling of intellectual superiority.
That's occasional folks, relax.
Now, I know that this isn't a rational or humble thought process but it is human nature, right? We are self-absorbed because we are the most aware of ourselves. Was that too existential? I'll rephrase: See, it's not possible to know other people more than you know yourself - unless you are Dennis Quaid in Inner Space (I fucking love that movie - hey, that gives me an idea). Though you may think you know somebody, you can't read their minds and you can't see what they do behind closed doors; nor would it be a desirable thing to do so in many cases (read: flossing).
Mark my word though, there's always somebody smarter, better looking, better smelling, funnier, stronger, faster, etc. than you. The competitive nature of my workout program demonstrates my physical deficiencies when compared to the truly "fit" on a regular basis. However, up until this stupid idea, spawned by boredom, I really never had a litmus test for how I stack up against others in the mental world (other than superficial things like owning a non-humongous vehicle that costs $100.00 to fill up... and that I haven't died bungee jumping, or in some other moronic activity). So, in the spirit of science and introspection, I set out taking as many IQ tests as I could find via Google. Actually, that's not true. The internet is chock full of IQ tests, many of them free, and I only took ten in total, which is not including the two I took previously. Here's what I discovered:
1- My IQ scores were, from lowest to highest, 86, 96, 114, 117, 124, 130, 130, 131 & 136.
2- When getting close to drunk (okay, I was more than "close to" drunk), with quality TV on and Tonya talking to me, my time management and brains go out the window. That's when I got my second lowest score of 96, which is about three points above retarded (okay, eleven points above, 85 or lower is considered 'special'). Some would argue these folks were being too generous. (It was a timed test.)
3- In the afternoon I'm brilliant: With decreased sleep the previous evening, three cups of coffee on-board and the TV off (plus I wasn't intoxicated and watching South Park with one eye), I took a test from the High IQ Society, which was timed and annoying. Though I thought I totally bombed this one I pulled a 136. This score made me qualified to join the High IQ Society. I declined to do so because I am a cheap bastard but I have the option of joining later, if I find myself with $110.00 extra that I don't want to spend on comics and booze. (I was rather hoping, however, to join the Low IQ Society after my 96 score. I can only speculate said society doesn't exist because the rest of the qualified members are too stupid to organize anything but a fantasy football game.)
4- I had previously taken the same test as the one that qualified me for the High IQ Society but at the end of the day, with the TV on, and while having a beer. I scored 124 at that time which was two points shy of any cool memberships. I was pissed and vowed to get smarter.
5- The test I paid ten dollars for, taken with the TV on and Tonya home (and talking to me), but without any beverage, scored me at 114 (timed test). I was still having my morning coffee during this one. While I was in the 99th percentile in many subjects my "time management IQ" was 47, which killed my score. I blame Law and Order's riveting scripts for this average showing.
6- Only one of these tests (IQ 117) showed me what the correct answers were to the questions I answered incorrectly. This one wasn't timed but it was very heavy with number puzzles (lots of internal counting, which I suck at).
7- My brain really hurt by this point and I still needed to do at least one more test for this article. Would a Queens of the Stone Age CD playing in the background make me smarter?
8- They did -- 130. (Timed test.) But that damn 96 was still killing my average. I was thinking that I may have to go for a rematch - though I had intended on quitting much sooner and incorporating some of my first online IQ test results.
9- I got 28 "poang" on a test written entirely in Swedish. I was very confused as to what this meant, much like I was during the bulk of the test which was in a language that, apparently, was invented for Star Trek. I thought "Whoa, dude, does that mean my Swedish IQ is 28? -- I was pretty sure that if my IQ were that low I wouldn't have been navigating a website; I'd be crawling on the floor trying to stick my fingers in an electrical socket and eating wood glue. Then I realized that "poang" meant "correct." Using the handy graph at the bottom of the test, I was able to find that I still escaped being developmentally disabled by ONE POINT BABY! That's right, I have a Swedish IQ of 86.
Booyah. I wonder how my Klingon is?
10- The "Densa" test was supposed to be the last one I took. It was advertised to test how "dumb" I was. I was intrigued. I thought all IQ tests did that- if you are a 'glass-half-empty' type of guy, which I am. I then realized that this test was made up of all "trick" questions, which were all "dumb." That said, I only got nine out of twelve correct which made me "normal but distracted." Fucking Queens of the Stone Age, where were you on that one?
11- The Rematch (with my non-Swedish low score). I had a plan, folks. A foolproof (rimshot!) plan that was proven by science to work. First, I put on John Coltrane's Blue Train because smart people like jazz. Secondly, I made sure I put on the vinyl version of Blue Train because smart people also are often vinyl snobs. Last, I poured myself a glass of Merlot, my first one of the evening mind you, as smart people also dig wine.
I had a plan.
AND IT FUCKING WORKED.
Looks like the verdict is in, everybody: I have too much time on my hands. But if I've inspired just one of you to share in the misery that was my ENTIRE WEEKEND (more or less), spent researching and writing this article, then I know my misery is shared and that's good...
Because even if I'm not brilliant, I'm still better than you. |
